Nothing like waiting 2 years for an update...

Okay, so I really didn't think it would take 2 whole years for me to finally be updating my blog, and to start writing again. Oops! But here goes.. 2 years of updates. Life has been..well, interesting these last 2 years.

As in my previous post, I mentioned that Jeff and I were finally pregnant. Well, I gave birth to a beautiful, bouncy baby girl on December 16th, 2013. She was a week early, and I had to have a c-section to evict her. She decided to be stubborn, flip around breech, and refused to flip back, even when we tried to manually force her lol. She just kicked the doctor's hand and stayed put. Sassy from the womb, I tell you. And it definitely shows now that she is here. She is now 20 months old, and a ball of energy. She is so smart, and so ahead of her time. She is crazy, and outgoing, and beautiful, and as much as she drives me insane (yay touch of the terrible twos!), I can't get enough of her. I thought I loved her so much while I was pregnant with her, but that doesn't touch the love I feel for her now, and every other day.

Jeff and I are doing well. We've had some serious downs this last year. In 2014, we ended up losing the house we were in (no thanks to our landlords for raising our rent some more and making it completely impossible to afford. I'm still upset with them...even after over a year), and had to move in with my mother in law. Unfortunately, that was one of the worst decisions we ever made in our lives. I was completely miserable, basically locked in a basement with my infant daughter by myself while Jeff worked, only getting out on the weekends. The stress got to our marriage like no other, and we got to the point of actually talking divorce - something neither of us believe in. Yeah, it was that bad. His mother and I had it out (actually, a year ago, give or take a few days), and I went off. So that relationship - non existent at this point. But we moved out, and are now renting a house right next door to one of my best friends, and it's better. We've had a few fights.. some that have really been bad, but we worked through them and now we're good. :)

We are currently saving money to take Monkey to Disney World again (we took her last year in September, when she was 9 months.. it was amazing!) next year, and we are also trying to save up to move down to Florida. Last October, Jeff actually got a job at WDW, but after trying to make it work, we decided not to move down there. I wish the timing was better, but it wasn't, so we just have to wait for our next go around. We are actually planning on moving in 2017. So two years here, save up, and out of NJ we go. I'm beyond ready to go. I'm ready to start a new life somewhere different, and give our daughter the life she deserves. Plus my addiction to Disney would have some satisfaction lol. But I am excited to go to Disney again, and to see Monkey take it all in, this time, at 2 years old. It's going to be wonderful!

What else? Oh, I am currently on the 21 day fix. I did gain back the weight I lost in 2012, and then after having the baby, I weighed my lightest, but didn't stick with what I needed to, and gained weight back. I'm not at my heaviest, and actually wasn't too close to it, thank goodness! But since I can't get to the gym anymore, home workouts are best. I'm on day 15, and my last day ends on my birthday, so I'm hoping to give myself an awesome bday gift and get some good results! I love all of the workouts, and feel amazing afterwards. I'm changed. I'm happier.. I'm finally feeling like ME again. Which has been a feeling lost for a long time. I'm excited to see my results from this first round this weekend. And Jeff and I are running the Color Run this Saturday with Monkey to celebrate my birthday weekend! Its his first color run, so I'm excited to experience that with him. :)

A lot has happened in the last 2 years, and of course, I can't put it all here.. I'd be here all night. And I have dinner to cook, and a kid to bathe lol. But I will say a lot of what happened has been lessons learned. I'm ready to finish out 2015 with a positive outlook, and bring in 2016 the same way. I also hope it doesn't take me another 2 years to update this. It feels good to blog again. (Yay finally having internet again!)

Alrighty.. on to giving Monkey a snack and getting dinner prepped!

Til next time! <3 p="">oxoxo.

..it's definitely been a while..

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I've made an entry on this blog. Last time I updated, it was November and I was in the middle of losing weight, getting healthy - but most importantly, training for my first ever half marathon!

All I can say is it was one of the most torturous, painful, and amazing experiences in my life! I trained for 6-7 months, and even training didn't prepare me for that race. I was training mostly in the fall and winter, so I was used to cold weather and we definitely didn't have that in Florida lol. It was 88% humidity, with 85-90 degree temps.. it was a lot to take on. But it was so exciting! Jeff and I completed the 5k and he earned his first medal, which was awesome! We also got to visit Epcot a little since that was one of the parks we weren't hitting recreationally since we only had a couple of days to visit the parks. But the entire weekend was so incredible!! There were VERY early mornings, and definite lack of sleep.. but the costumes, the support, and races were so worth it! The 5k was pretty easy, as we walked most of it- it wasn't timed, and we wanted to enjoy the scenery and what was going on around us. We did run a few times, but all in all, it was a relaxing race since the next day, I was running 13.1 miles.

The 1/2 was an experience in itself I will never forget. From the start line to FINALLY seeing the finish line, and every minute in between. I had my moments where I wanted to quit. I wanted to stop and turn around and be done, like I could do in training if I wanted. I didn't care if the buses swept me. I was at that point, but something kept telling me to go. Seeing Jeff every now and then definitely helped. His support and encouragement helped me the entire way, and he was so proud of me at the end.. and I was proud of me. I had an entourage screaming for me at the finish line and it was so awesome! I love my fellow princesses, and of course, my Prince Charming! It was humid as anything, and my entire body was swollen. I was in so much pain and trying to catch my breath.. but I did it. I got that gorgeous medal around my neck...and for the first time in a long time, I accomplished a goal that I set out for myself. But of course, it would've never happened if it wasn't for Jeff pushing me every training day, and the support I had from my princesses, my family, and my friends. It was such an unbelievable day. And the days following (about 2) of being in pain were worth every moment. Wearing that medal around my neck reminded me constantly of what I just endured, and completed. I intend on going back in 2018 and kicking butt! I plan on training better and harder so I can move up in corrals and beat my time. But, still... 6 months later (tomorrow will be 6 months since I ran the Princess! WOW!!!), I am so proud of myself for getting out there and doing it. :)

Of course, while all of this was going on, the conversation of trying to have a baby popped up, and Jeff and I agreed that after I was done the races, and life got back to normal once we were back home, we would start trying again. I ended up having a consultation with Dr. VanDeerlin on the 19th (2 days before we left for Disney), and I was given scripts for Provera, Metformin, Vitafol, and Tamoxifen, and was told to start the Provera on the 25th of February (the day after the 1/2 marathon.. that way I didn't have to worry about it messing with me during the race). So I did just that, but I started the Metformin and Vitafol on the 20th, so my body could get used to it again. After we came home from Disney, I received a phone call from the dr's office saying that my insurance wasn't covering ANYTHING anymore.. not even the IUIs, which they covered in 2009. I guess because I wasn't technically "diagnosed" according to the insurance company in 2009, they covered it. It was a complete bummer.

We started looking into adoption, and realized it wasn't for us. We went back to see Dr. VanDeerlin and he was very stern on not giving up. He told me that there are more options, but the first one is to take into my own hands.. that I was going to monitor myself. So I ended up buying a thermometer and OPKs and waited. It took about 10 days for the Provera to kick in..and kick my ass. It was one of the worst cycles I've ever experienced. It lasted 10 full days, never giving me a break. I kept telling myself that it was my body getting ready for something.. or at least catching up with itself since I only had one natural cycle during my weight loss. After that, it was onto monitoring. That was of course, after starting the 5 days of Tamoxifen.

After 3 weeks of the OPKs, I realized they weren't working for me, which I wasn't surprised because I was forewarned that PCOS patients sometimes have problems using them. But I did temp every morning like it was going out of style. Then April 18th, Jeff ended up in the hospital with an infection and ended up staying until the 21st. It was crazy, and at that point, I had stopped temping and didn't even think twice about the cycle. He came home on a Sunday night, and I took him to Red Lobster for dinner. I stopped at CVS because I remembered I needed to take a pregancy test to let the dr's office know if I needed more medication, or another appointment to see what's next. So the next morning, I woke up at 7:30 like I always do, and just took a test. I mean, honestly - 7 years of this crap.. I should've taken stock in HPTs. I can't tell you how many I've taken over the years.. and the amount of money - sheesh. But I digress lol. So I'm 1/2 asleep.. waiting for the negative to pop up so I can go back to sleep, and then call the dr when I get up again to make an appointment to come in and get more medication. In less than a minute... not one... but TWO LINES popped up. Mind you, I'm still half asleep looking at this thing... until I realized what I was looking at. I started crying and saying "Oh my God.. Oh my God" about 15 times lol. I took the test.. and went into the bedroom, jumped on the bed, and poor Jeff - lol.. I was like "DO YOU SEE THIS!? SERIOUSLY, DO YOU SEE THIS?!" It took him a minute since he was asleep too lol.. and then he saw it.. I started crying even more.. and he started crying - and I immediately called the dr's office.. in the middle of hyperventilating, of course.. and told them. We got up, and I never got dressed so fast hahaha. I went in for bloodwork, and then needed to wait until about 3pm that afternoon for a call back.

All I can say is THANK GOODNESS for same day results. At 1:48pm on April 22nd, I got a phone call from South Jersey Fertility... CONFIRMING the positive pregnancy test! That's right!! 7 years of utter hell, depression, testing, failure.. ugh.. so much.. and the first time we start trying again - IT WORKED! We were pregnant!! :)

So now I sit here, 23 weeks pregnant come Monday and I'm still just as ecstatic as I was the day we found out! It's gone by so quickly, and we have gone through so much. We ended up moving in June (technically started renting in May..), a week later, I lost my job.. and in July, we lost Jeff's dad to his battle with cancer. It's been an emotional summer so far, but all in all, we are getting by. We found out on August 10th during our gender reveal party/birthday BBQ that we are expecting a little girl! She is due December 23rd.. a Christmas baby of all things lol. She is growing into a bouncy, healthy baby and is constantly moving and kicking me. It's an amazing feeling! I felt her for the first time August 3rd.. and felt her kick my hand this past Sunday. Today, Jeff and I watched her move around in my belly and Jeff felt her for the first time. It's unreal. We are so excited, and can't wait to meet this little princess! We did name her, but we aren't telling anyone until the day she is born. We do have to keep something a secret lol. :)

It's been a crazy year, and to think a year ago.. I was working my butt off to lose weight and train for my first half. A year ago, I signed up for the Princess. This year, another dream of mine finally came true. It's a whirlwind of so much, but I wouldn't change a thing. I fall in love with her more and more everyday.. and feeling her move around makes me so happy. I can't believe I'm a week away from being 6 months. Already. Everyone is so excited - my mom screamed and cried so much when we told her.. and she is so happy she's getting a granddaughter. She kept telling me it would be a girl lol.

As long as this little peanut keeps growing the way she is, I'm happy. I can't wait to meet her, but I can.. we need her to keep growing healthy.. and we've waited this long. What's a few more months? And at this rate, it'll be here before we know it. It still feels like yesterday that we just found out we were finally pregnant, and I can't believe we only have a little over 4 months to go (fingers crossed that everything stays the way it is). She's our little princess already, and there are so many people ready to meet her and spoil the crap out of her lol.

And finally after all of these years, I feel complete. My heart is full. It was always missing something, and I knew that. This was it. :)

Okay, I'm done rambling lol.. it's getting late, and Jeff should be home from work soon so we can all finally go to bed! :) I hope I remember to write more.. my mind has officially gone to pregnancy brain.. so we'll see lol.

Until next time, loves.
oxoxoxoxoxo.

**UPDATE**  I completely forgot that I wrote about my pregnancy in the previous post - but I didn't publish it being that it was 2 days after we found out and we hadn't told anyone yet.. oops! hahaha.

2013... The Year of Dreams Come True :)

Well hello 2013. And hello, fellow bloggers. I know I haven't touched this blog in a long time. I'm sorry for that. The last time I wrote, I said something about training for my first half marathon. Well Dream #1 of 2013 came true on February 24th, at 6:17am. I ran, and completed my first ever half marathon. I rocked my tiara and tutu, ran through the happiest place on Earth with a smile on my face and a swollen body, Wreck It Ralph hands included. But 13.1 miles and 3 hours later, I had that medal around my neck. After the pain FINALLY subsided, it was the absolute best feeling in the world! To know I trained for something for so long, and made my dream come true, that I accomplished my goal is a really incredible feeling. I was in pain. I considered quitting. I was done. But something kept me going. Jeff.. my family.. my friends... myself. There's a strength within ourselves we really don't know exist until we hit a very hard moment in our lives. It came out of me like no other thing. I plan on running it again in 5 years, during the next anniversary. I plan on doing better, of course, but for now.. I'm basking in the moment of kicking butt. :)

After the race, and on our way back home from Florida (we drove down), we decided to make time to visit Ripley's Believe It or Not to see the fertility statues. Jeff and I discussed going back to SJF to start treatment again. On February 19th, we had a consultation with Dr. VanDeerlin, who was amazing. He knew my history, and was ready for attack. Provera, prenatal vitamins, and Tamoxifen were prescribed to me, along with Metformin. Forward to the day we were leaving Orlando, we figured visiting the fertility statues wouldn't hurt, since they were very well known to work. Needless to say, I pretty much fondled the crap out of the thing, and Jeff did the same (but not as much as me lol). We headed out and on our way back home.

I started my cycle March 6th, after about 6 days of Provera.. and this cycle kicked my ass. It lasted 10 full days, and did not let up for anything in the world. I was cramping, having backaches, the whole nine yards. I just figured it was really the cycle to clean me out, so to say. I haven't had a period since the last one on my own in Sept 2012. But nonetheless, I knew it would be worth it. After finding out that our insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING anymore, not even bloodwork or ultrasounds (since I was officially diagnosed per the insurance company), we went back to see Dr. VanDeerlin, who was ready to fight back. He had me start Tamoxifen on my own, with temping and using OPKs and charting. He wanted me to do it for 3 cycles. So for about 3 weeks, I was waking up early, taking my temperature, using an OPK, and charting everything. We tried to BD along with my chart, though it was kind of confusing. This was like starting all over again for us, and I never charted before.

After getting my chart looked at by one of my fellow PCOSers, it seemed like I ovulated between April 1st and 3rd. So my fingers were crossed and it was all just a waiting game.

Through all of the loving baby stuff, I snagged myself a new job, thank goodness. I'm seasonal, but it's a job, and its money. So I'm not going to complain too much, though I'm not caring for the fact that I work EVERY FREAKING WEEKEND. That's getting old, very quickly. I know it's money, but it's a lot of hours in one day to be standing there. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks though.

On the home front, we came back from Florida to some letters in the mail basically saying that the foreclosure is going quicker than we thought it would. So that forced us to start looking for places to live. After finding out we wouldn't be able to get a new mortgage for a few years due to the bankruptcy, we settled on finding a place to rent. After weeks of searching (well more like almost a year since realtor.com is an app on my phone lol), we found the perfect place in Williamstown. It's a tad out of our price range, but it'll even out. I'm excited. The house is smaller than this one, but its cozy. It's got a fenced in yard, and accepts pets. It's a quiet neighborhood, and we'll have our own driveway lol. It's the small things we enjoy. It's in between both of our parents, which Jeff's mom isn't too happy about.

That moves me to the next portion of this.. the not so good portion. Earlier this year, Jeff's dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and also a form of bone cancer. He started treatment in February, and after 12 weeks of treatment, we found out that the chemo isn't working, and all existing tumors are bigger. So they are trying a different medicine. The only thing is is that Jeff takes his parents over to Philly for his dad's treatments, and right now, we are only literally 2 minutes away from his parents' house. When we move to Williamstown, we'll be over 30 minutes away. It's a big change, and we really don't know if Jeff's dad is going to make it through the year. At this point, prayers are going out to see if this medicine will work, and I just pray he doesn't suffer.. and that he's not in pain.

I also want him around to see at least his first grandchild. He deserves that much. We've been trying for so long, and I don't want anyone to not be able to meet our baby. He is a wonderful father, and an amazing father in law. And I know he'll be a great grandfather.

And he only has to wait about 8 more months. That's right. I saved the best for last. I am finally writing on this blog with a smile on my face.. and excited to say that we are officially having a baby!!

I found out Monday morning at 7am .. and it was confirmed by bloodwork at 1:45pm. I think I'm a little over 5 weeks now, and my numbers so far are good. I do need progesterone supplements, and will be on them for 10 weeks. We haven't told anyone yet (minus my job, since I do lift things), and I am waiting. I don't want to tell anyone until we tell our parents, which will be... ready for this?... Mother's Day weekend. :) I always wanted to announce it on a holiday or someone's birthday. Now that dream has come true.

I'm extremely excited, but equally nervous. I just want my numbers to keep going up, and this baby to keep growing into a little bean. :) Jeff is so happy, and equally anxious. We've just waited so long, that we are praying everything is okay and stays okay.

I'm exhausted and my boobs are killing me. I'm bloated and there's little cramps here and there. I had a little nausea spell last night at work. But I will take me feeling like crap as the best thing in the world, and I keep welcoming it with open arms. :)

Alright...time for me to get back to the real world. This is staying on here as a secret until after Mother's Day.. then maybe I'll make this post public afterwards.

I hope that I don't stay away from this blog for so long again. Until then, fellow bloggers.

oxoxoxoxoxo.

a year later..

Well it's been over a year since I touched this blog, and unfortunately, not much as changed.

I lost 40 lbs this year, but gained back 15. I quit my job after an attempted robbery. We went through bankruptcy. I cut my hair. Those are the changes.. but what hasn't changed - I'm still not a mom.

After Bandit passed away last year, we had our trip to Disney. It was amazing. I'm beyond addicted to that place now, and actually will be going back twice in 2013. I am running Disney's Princess Half Marathon in February, and then Jeff and I are going back in November with my mom and my brother. I'm excited for that, since that was the one place where Jeff and I were both happy. We didn't have a care in the world. It was wonderful, and I can't wait to have that feeling back again.

In late September, a friend of mine found out she was pregnant, and decided she couldn't raise the baby, so she had asked Jeff and I if we wanted to adopt it. We jumped on board, and I was excited to finally get the chance to be a mom. However, in the middle of October, she found out she lost the baby, and my world was shattered again. And this all happened right as my best friend announced to the world that she was pregnant with baby #3. I lost it. I freaked out on her, and almost lost her. It was just overwhelming, and got to be way too much for me.

I found out earlier this year that my lawsuit fell through, and was a complete washout. They denied everything, and even my lawyer said there was no reason to fight back or appeal. So we dropped it.

In February of this year, we claimed bankruptcy and surrendered the house. As of now, we're just living here until the foreclosure goes through, and they tell us to get out. We're looking to move to Williamstown, which is closer to my parents, and honestly - right in the middle of our two families. But that move won't be happening until May of 2014, so I sit here trying to make it through not freaking out on my neighbors.

In June of this year, I put my 2 weeks into work. I was completely unhappy, stressed, and had days of chest pains. Not good for a (at the time) 25 year old. The night before my last night, a guy came in and tried to rob the pharmacy. I now refuse to work retail, I still don't feel safe in my own house, and I've lost sleep. PTSD has taken over my life, and I have yet to see anyone about it. Don't ask me why.

So now I sit here, on a Wednesday afternoon. My husband is at work, and I hardly ever see him. And when I do, we're fighting. My marriage is non existent. I don't see anyone. I'm in this house 24/7, with no life.. at the age of 26.

I feel like a complete failure. My marriage isn't happy. I'm not happy. I'm unemployed. I can't keep my Tastefully Simple business going. I can't have a baby. I feel like I'm failing in every aspect of my life, and I just don't know what to do.

I've been occupying myself with this 1/2 marathon, and running. That's the only good thing that is going on in my life right now. Everything seems like it's in shambles. I really don't know what to do anymore. This is definitely not where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I pictured myself with a career, at least one baby by now, in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.. happy with my husband and my child. I don't have any of that. I have a roommate who keeps a roof over my head. I have a crappy house that is falling apart in a shitty neighborhood full of jackasses. I quit my job before I had another one lined up, and I'm struggling to find another one. Going back to school is a joke since I have no money, and the freaking government doesn't help for anything. And the one thing I wanted the most is the farthest away from me.

But I keep smiling. I keep pushing on. Hoping, praying, and wishing that something changes. That it gets better. Waiting and working towards a better life. I'm at a stand still right now. I'm beyond the point of giving up, yet I refuse to. I don't know what it is inside to me that keeps telling me to keep going .. that I need to for some reason, but I don't know what that reason is.

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like a failure. I'm better than that, yet I can't prove it to myself. I just keep trying to stay positive, because somehow, it helps me get through the day. Though I'm alone, and have nothing to do but think all day, looking at the bright side of things has really helped me. I still have a roof over my head. I still have food in my stomach. I still have my family and some friends. My life may not be what I want it to be right now, but I'll get there. I don't know how long it'll take, or how much more I can take, but I'll keep going to make my dreams come true, until I physically cannot do it anymore.

I just need to keep going.. and keep fighting for what I know I deserve.. I'll get there. One step at a time.. I know it'll all be worth it in the end..

in the life of infertile myrtle... :)

So I guess it's time for another update in the life of the infertile myrtle.

I know last time I posted, it was about my dog, Bandit. I miss him everyday. He was practically my life, and my everything. He was the one thing that no matter what, could put a smile on my face. I am happy, though, that he's in a better place, and no longer suffering. And some of you may not believe in this sort of thing, but I know he's here. He leaves me little hints to let me know he's around. I miss you, Bubba. Keep watching over us. We'll see you later. <3

Now to the other aspects of my life..

The jobfront. One word = sucks. Ugh. I can't stand my job. I'm so tired of being the one who catches all of the crap that doctors and insurance companies do. It's not my fault that you don't have a job, and that my taxes are paying for you to be on Oxycontin because you're "in pain", and that the insurance company won't cover you earlier than 30 days, because that's the LAW. Ugh. I need to find a new job. Like, now. The stress and crap just isn't worth it anymore. I'm not happy when I go in, and I'm not happy when I leave. It's just not fair to have to live like that. I'm trying my best to get the hell out of there. It's just a little difficult right now. *sighs*

On the infertile myrtle front, things are slowly moving along. I got an email July 11th from my lawyer stating that he finally sent the papers to the sheriff's department to be served to NJ Transit. The lawyer said he would expect them to serve the papers within that week, and that it shouldn't be too difficult, since the sheriff's office is literally right next door to NJ Transit's main office in Newark. And of course, they have 35 days to contest. However, my lawyer said he thinks they're not going to take the full 35 days since it's a lawsuit against such a big company. We just don't know how they're going to respond. I'm hoping they settle, but I have a feeling it's not going to be that easy, especially with the way things have been going for Jeff and I lately. I don't think we're going to catch a break on this at all. I think they'll fight that they're exempt, and blah blah. I still have the letters that I had a few people write for me on why they think I should be covered. So we'll see. I counted 35 days to be around August 19th. So I'm hoping to hear a response sooner than that. I'm catching baby fever again, and I'm trying not to. I was on birth control in June for like 2 weeks, and took myself off it. I had AF for 2 weeks straight, and with everything that happened with Bandit, and my body stressing out, and acting weird, it just wasn't the right time. I actually tested earlier this afternoon after I had been spotting for a few days (it stopped 2 days ago) and had a few things going on, and it came out negative. I expected it, but with all of the bad stuff going on, I was just wishing that something good would finally pop up. I know in time, I'll get my dream. But Jeff and I did talk, and we decided that we're giving it until he turns 40. We had a plan of either being pregnant or already having a baby by the time I was 25. I'll be 25 in a month and 3 days, so obviously that's not happening. Heh. So we'll see.

Other than that.. we're just trying to staying afloat. My car took a crap June 21st- how do I know the date so well? That was the day I got my oil change at Mazda. 2 hours later, my car started acting up. We've already spent over $300 on a new tensioner and labor to put that in, only to find out that wasn't the problem. So a month later, we finally figured out that my variable valve timing actuator is crapped out. So thats another $350 + labor. And I need a new battery, new brakes, and new tires. Yay for all this stuff happening all at once, and having like NO money for it all. Can you see now why I was looking for the positive pregnancy test? I can't handle all of this bad news. Ugh. We just need to get it fixed asap. I want my car back.

I miss driving her and well.. we sort of need her...

....because in 23 days.. just 23 lovely days.. Jeff and I will be driving down to DISNEY!!!!!

I'm so excited!! It's one good thing that I've been looking forward to this trip since last October! Neither of us have ever been there, and I'm beyond excited. My dining room table has now become the Disney table. I have everything we need for the trip on there, and more. I have about 3 checklists in my disney notebook, with everything we need. And actually, we'll be having our last meeting to talk about the specifics of the road trip with my best friend and her husband. We're going down with them and their 2 girls. They've all been there before, with the exception of Morgan (she's only 2). Jim's really excited for it being Morgan's first time, and we're all excited to be going. We've been having meetings to discuss everything over the past few months, and now this is our last meeting. Can't wait to go over the itinerary and the specifics of actually driving down there. Jim got walkie talkies for him and Jeff to use while driving, since we're driving at night. They don't want to have to worry about waking Karen and the girls up, or me. We'll be following them down with my car, and that's why she needs to be fixed completely before we leave. It's approximately a 1,000 mile drive. So we need to make sure everything is pristine and ready to go. I've been counting down since October 22nd, and I cannot wait! Karen is doing my hair Wednesday the 24th, and I'll be getting a pedicure. Thursday, the 25th, we'll be dropping Bella off to Jeff's parent's house for the week. Friday, the 26th, I'm going to get up in the morning, and do everything around the house while Jeff sleeps all day, since he's the one thats driving overnight. Then around 8pm, we'll be meeting with Jim and Karen off of 295, and we'll start heading down. We figure we'll stop around 7am and get breakfast, then switch out, so Karen and I will drive, and the guys can snooze for the rest of the drive in. It is such an understatement about how excited I am over this trip. It's so needed, and soo wanted. We usually take a few vacations yearly, but because we're going to Disney this year, we didn't take any, so it's desperately needed. Ahhhhh. Check for pictures (especially if you're my friend on Facebook). I got a new memory card just for Disney itself, and it can hold at least 2,400 pictures. Yay! :)

Alright, I guess that's enough blabbing for me. If you've read this entire thing, thank you for loving me lol.

I'll probably put in another update after we get back from Florida. Until next time! :)

oxoxo.

To the absolutely, best, greatest, most wonderful, amazing, incredible, extraordinary, perfect dog ever....

I am posting sooner than expected..

to share with you the unfortunate news. Bandit was put to rest at 11:55am yesterday morning.

He wasn't doing too well as of Friday night, took a turn for the worse Sunday night, and it just went downhill from there.

Yesterday morning, we found him in the front room. He'd gotten sick and was bleeding from the groin, as he was Sunday night. Jeff tried getting him up to go outside, and he wouldn't move. He didn't have the strength anymore, so we carried him to the truck, and headed to hospital. Jeff's dad met us there, and we had to roll him in on a stretcher. They took him in the back, and had us wait in a room. The vet came in about 5 minutes later and just shook her head. She said all of the money in the world couldn't help him, it was his time. So I signed the papers tearfully, and I don't even know if I got my signature on the line. The nurses rolled him in, and he was so out of it. The vet said as they were rolling him in, they were going. Then she started the injections.. my hand was on his chest and I was holding his paw. He stared right at me as it was happening.. looking at me like "help me please" ..which is now a picture I can't get out of my head. And within not even the vet finishing the first injection, I felt him stop breathing and his heart stop. I looked at Jeff..balled my eyes out and shook my head. He was gone. It was the absolute hardest decision we ever had to make, and we really didn't have a choice. He's no longer in pain, and that's what I have to keep thinking.

He lived a great life, and was with us for 11 years and 5 days. He was the best. You seriously couldn't ask for a better dog. He was perfect. I am honored and so blessed to have been able to be his mommy, and to have named him, and spent so much time with him. He's got my heart, and he always will.

He's being cremated, and when he's ready, he'll be coming back home to his house to rest in peace where he belongs.

I miss him so much, and my heart feels so heavy and hurts. My eyes are swollen and my head is pounding. Jeff is being so strong. Thank god for him, because he's been my rock. And I am really grateful for him..

Bella (our 1 year old boxer) is taking it hard too. She's usually a huge ball of energy, and she hasnt left our/my side since last night. She's just laying around sleeping. She whimpers here and there. I know she knows Bandit's gone. She laid in the kitchen where he laid Sunday night, then laid on his bed. She won't leave my side, and I really don't mind it. I'm thankful to have her, because I don't know what I would do.

Thank you to those who have sent their condolences and support to Jeff and I, and our family. We really appreciate it. He's in a better place, and no longer in pain. And thats all that matters.

Bandit,

We miss and love you so much. We hope you're okay, and you're that happy energetic dog we've always known. We'll be okay down here. Just have to shed a few more (thousand) tears. We know you'll be with us always. I love you so much, Bubba. Rest easy..we got it from here. Watch over Bella and play forever. I better see you at the gates with that tail wagging. You're the best and no one will ever, ever, ever come close to you. Give em hell and show em who's the best. Daddy and I miss you sooooo much, and love you even more. See you soon, Bandit. <3

RIP

6.15.2000-6.20-2011

Only God takes the best...<3

So here I am..

It's been a while, I know. Just haven't really had the interest to write. But I don't have much to do now, so I'd figure I'd update you on what's been going on in my world..

Still at CVS, and I have no idea why. I hate my job so much, but I know I can't leave it until I find a new job. But.. that is a feat in itself, and I am so tired of putting myself out there. And I know it's probably a waste, since summer literally (officially, by calendar only, of course) starts next week. And everyone's out of school. So I'm just going to push through and bite my tongue. Let's just hope I don't give myself a self-piercing. (I think I've come pretty close sometimes).

I haven't posted since, but I am now a Tastefully Simple consultant. I signed up the last week of February, and have been working since. I absolutely love it. To be able to share food and whatnot and have fun with different people is really great. I've started out slow (only 3 parties so far), but I'm having a wonderful time, nonetheless. Throwing it out there - if you're interested in having a party, or ordering, contact me (facebook.com/kotazbabiigurl143 or hhubbs9686@gmail.com).

Another upside - I'm down 21lbs. I should be down more than that at this point, but I've kept the weight off after falling off the wagon quite a few times. I did have a bet going on with my mom to see if I could lose 60 lbs by August 1st, and she would give me money. However, I know I'm not going to reach that goal, but my mom also just recently had surgery and is out of work until further notice, so I'm not expecting money at all. So I have a mini goal for myself, 240lbs by August 26th...

Why that date??

Because thats when (another good thing to post about, thank God!) we head to our first trip to Disney!!!! I'm so freaking excited, it's ridiculous. I think we have like 73 days, 4 hours, and 22 minutes or something like that. (I only know that because of the Disney widget I have on my Droid and my computer lol). We're going with my best friend, her husband, and their two daughters. Jeff and I have never been, at all, and we've been talking about going to Disney for years. We're making it our overdue honeymoon/5th anniversary gift. I cannot wait to go. I think Jeff and I both need to get away from the stress and hell we've been dealing with for the last few months. And I think it's more than appropriate to say that we're ready to escape reality. We booked in October of last year, and have been waiting since then, and though to me, on some days it can't come soon enough, it really is going by quickly. Before we know it, Jeff will be on his first week of vacation (we're going on his second week) and I'll be scurring to get everything done. I really can't wait though.

Alright, now to one of the not so good things going on right now. Our 10 year old (soon to be 11..actually tomorrow..) dog, Bandit isn't doing so well. A few weeks ago, we noticed his neck became very swollen, and he was very lethargic. We took him to the animal hospital and the vet said it could be one of two things : an infection (which we hoped for), or lymphoma (the most common type of cancer found in dogs). However, with his symptoms, and the quickness of how it all happened, the vet was pushing more towards cancer than anything. Bandit has been on prednisone for the past 2 weeks, and just finished his antibiotic yesterday. He's been getting sick some days, and others he's been pretty good. Normal good and bad days that cancer patients have, unfortunately. We've also noticed that his body has thinned out majorly, and seemed to happen overnight. We took him back to the hospital yesterday, and although he was showing some improvements, he keeps going downhill. His thinning out is what I feared - weightloss. He weighed in at 91lbs. He usually is around 110-120lbs. He hasn't been under 100 since he was a puppy. You can see his skull, and his backbone, and it's frightening. The vet said that it's the cancer eating away at his muscle mass. We haven't had the testing done to officially diagnose him yet, since the funds aren't there, but we also have to wait for him to finish out the prednisone to see if/when his throat flairs back up again, and once that does, then we go for the biopsy and x-rays to see exactly what it is, and if its spreading. Then we have to figure out if we go through with chemo, or if it's just better to put him down. The vet said that if we wait for him to pass naturally, it won't be quiet and calm. He'll be in distress, and in pain, and have trouble breathing. I don't want him to suffer. So right now, it's just a waiting game, which is something I know too well, and of course absolutely dread. So we'll see. And sadly enough, my mother in law and I both have said to each other that we have a feeling we'll only be dropping Bella off when we go to Disney... not two dogs. I don't want to think of that at all, but I can't help it. I just pray that if it does have to happen, he'll let us know sooner than later, so he doesn't have to be in pain for too long.

Okay, I think I'm done. I am numb from all of these bad things going on around me. Hopefully I'll have a good thing to post about next time.