4 dozen freshly baked chocolate chip cookies later...

and I still have so much to do. I still have to bake 3 loaves of pumpkin bread, and a pumpkin pie, which I will be saving for tomorrow. The turkey is finally in the fridge, and will be in the sink tomorrow night. I'm getting all of my ingredients together to make sure I have every single thing I need. My Christmas tree is up and ready for ornaments, but not until after everyone goes home Thanksgiving night. But it looks gorgeous. The living room is clean, and the dining room needs to be rearranged. 3 loads of laundry are done and ready to be brought upstairs. And I am happily listening to Christmas music. For everything that needs to get done, this is what makes the holidays for me. The house smells yummy... the music is so wonderful.. I can't wait to entertain my guests. And yes, I do have a lot to do, but I am really relaxed about it. So I really wouldn't have it any other way.=)

Day 2 of Provera.. felt cramping this morning when I was in bed. So I'm hoping AF gets here soon after the last pill, which is Thanksgiving. Maybe she'll make a grand Black Friday appearance. We shall see.

It's so rainy and cold outside.. I'm waiting for the sun to break out with blue skies. Hopefully it will at some point this week. But the weather isn't getting me down. I love this time of year!!

Alright.. back to laundry and getting my stuff together.

Til next time, kids.=)

So I've decided that since Thanksgiving is less than a week away, I'm going to do a new post on what I'm thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for my husband. He's my best friend, and I don't know where I would be without him. Some days, I really wonder why he chose me. Then to top it off, how he has the strength to be going through this hell with me. I've realized over the year, especially after our first attempt at the IUI didn't work, that he loves me more than I ever knew. And though our attempt ended in a horrific BFN, the good part of it was, I fell in love with my husband again. He was there for me the entire time.. so supportive. He cried when I did, he held me when I needed it. He was blunt and truthful, but pretty sensitive at the same time. My ultimate goal is to make him a daddy. But I know that no matter what, he loves me.. and that's not going to change.

I'm thankful for my family. For understanding me, and supporting me through this. Especially my mom and my sister. They've been there every step of the way, helping me see the good in the bad outcomes. The encouragement and the shoulder to cry on all at the same time has really, really helped me. Without them, who knows. They keep positive, even when I feel like I've hit rock bottom and nothing will ever get better. They keep me from falling. And man, do I love them for that. They give me my strength. And that's more than I could ever ask for.

I'm thankful for my oh-so-far-away bestie, Erin. She's amazing. Yeah, we haven't met in real life (though we will.. at some point lol), but she's been there for me.. even if it's been through a computer screen. She never let me give up on myself. She's always there to listen to me, even when I have to bitch about the stupidest things. I'm thankful that she was blessed with an amazing husband, and a gorgeous, vivacious little boy. I'm thankful for the things she has done for me, and I hope she knows I'll always do the same for her.

I'm thankful for my SC girlies. They are the best. I don't know where I would be if I never found that site. I wouldn't know what I know now. And the support on my threads is overwhelmingly amazing. I love every one of those girls. Through our struggles, we see the best in everything. I know when I have my bad days, they are there to listen and cheer me up. On my good days, they're laughing along with me. Another part of my strength that I am so grateful to have.

I'm thankful for my friends. The ones who know what I'm dealing with. The ones who are there to make me laugh and forget that it's really a bad road. The ones who shove cake in my face, and up my nose.. and then take kissy pictures with me. The ones who drink it up and don't regret a thing. The ones who can't wait for me to get that BFP, but are also there when I get those damn BFNs. For the hugs, and the laughs.. and those drunken nights watching and playing beer pong. The cake fights, the jager shots, the nachos (Karen<3)... they make me forget all the seriousness sometimes.. all of the stress. They let me be me, and just have fun. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

And last by certainly not least, I am thankful (somewhat) for PCOS. For the fact that it's so common, yet no one really knows about it. But I'm thankful that there is a diagnosis out there. There is a reason, a cause for all of this hell. There are answers. I'm not stranded trying to figure out what I have. And though PCOS is a major bitch and a half, I'm thankful for it. Because if I didn't have it, I wouldn't be able to share my experiences with my little sister who, unfortunately, has it too. I would've never known about it. I wouldn't have been able to teach people about PCOS, and the effects. And the most important one.. I would've never gotten the chance to meet an amazing group of women. Their strengths get me through. Their struggles-turned-success give me motivation; hope that it will happen one day. And if it's not.. I cry over the keyboard.. but I know when I need it, they'll be there.

I'm thankful for so much more than that, but I don't want to go on forever. :)

Thank you to those who have been there. Those who have taken the time out to reach out to me. Those who have been there to support me. You know who you are. <3

oxoxoxo.

Giveway!

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CD69. Almost a record for me.

Except for when I was in high school and it decided to disappear every 4-6 months. But that'll soon change. Thursday is coming up, and I'm actually pretty excited about going on bcps. It's going to be different, but at least I won't just be sitting here waiting for something to happen, and wondering what my body is going to do next. And I'm happy that Jeff is backing me up with this. Bring on Thursday, already. Well, my appointment lol.

I'm still listening to Christmas music. And I'm still loving it. Jeff brought the Christmas stuff up that was in the basement. Now, he's just gotta get into the attic, and get the rest of it.=) I would like to have my tree up by Thanksgiving. Just up, not decorated. And yes, that means that my Christmas tree is fake. My daddy isn't too happy about that, but oh well. Jeff and I found it the first Christmas we spent together.. and had to buy it. There's no other like it.. seriously. If you look in the stores now after seeing it, you would agree.=)

Backing up to Thanksgiving.. I can't believe it's a week away. Of course, I'm going to be a stressed (kinda) mess. I have to make sure everything is as perfect as possible, so next week is dedicated to that. This week... getting the house clean and relaxing. I still have to go to the grocery store and pick up some things I forgot to get before, and I will definitely be going this week. There is no way in hell you'll catch me in Shoprite Thanksgiving week.. lol. I'm not that stupid. I'll probably go Friday night after work. I just need a few things. I'm actually excited to be doing Thanksgiving dinner. It's just Jeff's parents, Jeff and I. Nice and intimate, and I don't have to go all out (though if you know me around the holidays.. I always do lol). This is my first year making true sides.. like green bean casserole, and sweet potato casserole. I'm hoping they come out like I picture. Jeff and I went to Ikea (that place = pure love<3) to look at tables.. and buy some chairs. I only had money to buy two.. so we'll be going back Saturday.. woohoo! Then we have to go to the farm and go sweet potato pickin! I'm so excited! Though I'm not getting my table for Thanksgiving, I should have it by Christmas Eve. Our table and chair set has taken a beating. We got it at a store.. I don't want to call it a consignment shop, because it's really not that.. it's difficult to explain. And if you're not from around here, and by that, I mean Gloucester County, or surrounding counties, there's no sense in trying to explain it lol. But anyways.. we got it when we moved into our old apartment.. over 5 years ago. Since then, the chairs have been falling apart and such, and the table isn't much better. But we know the table will at least hold out through Thanksgiving. We need the chairs. And I'm excited that I got to buy the chairs I wanted.. and they're sooooo comfy! We went to Bed Bath and Beyond (another absolute LOVE of mine!) and got holiday seat covers to match our tablecloth. I want my table to be pretty elegant. So we'll see how it turns out. My next concern is the turkey.. I don't want it to come out dry, so after this, I'll be searching like crazy for tips lol. And if you have any, and would like to share, I greatly appreciate it! :)

Okay, so I think I blabbed on enough, hehe. I'll go look for those Thanksgiving tips now! And maybe a few gift ideas for the hubby. I love the holidays!!

Yep.. I'm in the mood for Christmas. I'm listening to Christmas music, and I secretly wish that the rain was snow. I have something to look forward to with Christmas. Decorating and being with all of my family are my favorites. I can't wait. I know it's still the beginning (for like another 2 days, mind you) of November, but I like to think I'm exempt. I have to look at Christmas ornaments starting in July .. though this year, they were late and came in September. But still. I love Christmas.. and I can't wait.=)

On the TTC front - I'll be getting my BCPs next week.. but I'll ask Jackie for a HPT first.. I want to test before I start popping pills, just in case.. then we'll see.=) Cycle day 65.. I'm not liking it. I know I have Provera in my medicine cabinet, but I figure if I wait a week, I'll be on the BCPs, so there's really no point.. it's alright. Hopefully being on the pill will help regulate me a little. We'll have to see.

Cycle Day 60.

Do I have anything to show for it?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, that makes me hate PCOS even more. Stupid bitch.

Finally...

I have something to look forward to.

With the FB crap, and the stress of everything else, I finally have ONE thing to look forward to.

The Poconos.<3

Christmas in the Poconos.. I cannot wait. I'll be away from here. Away from people. Away from real life. Away from freaking Facebook and my computer. Just me, my husband, and my entire family. You can't go wrong with that combination. I knew I had something coming that was good, and though I have to wait another 2 months for it, I don't care. Its something I can look forward to and I know will be here before I know it.

Only downside.. we can't bring the dog. He's too much lol. But hopefully my in-laws can take him and he'll be good to go. I'm going to have Christmas Eve here with them, and then Christmas Day, when Jeff gets home from work (I'm really, really hoping he can get off, but I highly doubt he can), we'll be headed to the snowy mountains of the Poconos. Just thinking about it is so relaxing to me. I can't wait for it. I can't wait to find out details, which should be soon. =)

On the TTC front .. surprise surprise.. nothing to report. However, I do think I'll be going on birth control for a while. We'll see. I'm still up in the air about it. But I figure we're on a forced break anyways, and I need something to regulate me. The only thing that did it was Tamoxifen. Jeff is fine with it either way. And we're not preventing anything anyways, but it's not like something's going to happen. We haven't prevented since freaking 2004, and nothing has come close to happening. So I think being on birth control will hopefully just regulate me. But I've never been on it, so I don't know where to start. I'll have to see my ob.

Alright.. back to cleaning.. and maybe baking a few batches of cookies. Car show/Pumpkin run tomorrow.. definitely looking forward to that too.

I want to know when the hell it's supposed to get better.

I want to know when the hell it's all supposed to work itself out.

I keep hearing it. I keep hearing that things will get better. Guess what? It hasn't happened yet.

I can't keep doing this. I'm stressed, and all I want to do right now is cry. But surprise, surprise, I have no one to cry to. And I'm getting to be very okay with that. With knowing that the only person I have in my life worth counting on is my husband. And that suits me rather well. Him and my family.

But I can't take that he's doing this on his own anymore. I lost my job last Christmas, and one year is coming ..fast. And all I have to show for it is a pile of unemployment stubs, and a very, very part time job that gives me maybe $40 a week.

I'm waiting for that letter to come in the mail. I'm waiting to officially lose our home. I'm waiting for things to shut off. I'm waiting for us to run out of food. I'm waiting for it to hit complete rock bottom, but unfortunately, it feels that way already.

I feel like I should start packing up. I feel like this is it. This is what's going to tear us apart. The fact that this is all going down the drain. And I have to resort to finding a job where I used to live. And that means living with my parents 85% of the time. That means not being here. Not being with him. Not being here to clean or cook for him. Not being here for the animals. And I can hear it now.. that I left him alone up here. That I shouldn't leave my husband. But what else am I supposed to do? There's nothing up here. I've looked. I've applied to countless places with no response. I effed up the first potential job I could've had. I had a friend try to get me a job only to never talk to me so I can figure out wtf is going on.

And of course, I would love to move, but I know that's just not possible. There's no way. It would make it a hell of a lot easier, though. I can find more potential than I can here. But he works up here. And this house.. we're not moving out of it anytime soon. Unless we get foreclosed on. *sighs*

I just want to know when it all went down to shit. When did it get so bad?

I just want it to get better. It needs to get better.

So I noticed that I haven't been on to give you all the update.

Really, because there hasn't been one. But yes, I did POAS. And yes, as I expected (because I am never wrong when it comes to this, it seems), it was negative.

Am I upset? No.

Am I bummed? No.

I literally looked at it.. turned it to the light to make sure I was seeing things right, threw it in

the trash, washed my hands and got back to whatever it was I was doing.

It really is horrible when you've been trying for so long and you just become immune to it all. Over 3 years with nothing, and it's gotten to the point where I am emotionless. And I don't mind it.

But what I can't seem to understand is how my stomach drops and my heart sinks when I see updates or posts on Facebook of my friends being pregnant. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because it seems a hell of a lot easier for them to get pregnant than it does me. I'm not just talking about my friends who don't have PCOS. I'm talking about the ones who do. The ones who seemed to get pregnant with no problems. I'm sorry to seem like such a brat, and I know a lot of them read this. But it's the truth. It seems like with their stories (and I know them quite well. It's what happens when you all relate by having this dreaded syndrome), and what they've gone through.. it was pretty easy to get pregnant. Now, for the record, I am NOT saying that they didn't struggle. I'm not saying that they had failed whatever. I'm just saying that in my own opinion, it was easier for them than it is me.

I know I have a lot to do with it. A lot. I need to stop making excuses and get my ass to the gym. Right now, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I'm so embarassed, there's no way I'm going to give my weight on here. I know if I lost weight, it would help me somewhat. I know I don't make the right food choices. I know I need to lose a lot of weight. I know all of it. And somehow, it seems like easier said than done to the point where I don't have the motivation for any of it. And I need to. I know that I lost a few pounds back in August. And there were 3 weeks.. only 3 (because 5 weeks is my maximum for my motivation to be like..hell yeah, then it goes down the drain for some reason) where I lost weight. I was eating nothing but fruit and veggies... and yogurt. And drinking water. That was it. Now.. it's completely changed. And I know why that week was the easiest for me. Because it was my husband's birthday. And we made A LOT of fruit salad, and I cut up so many vegetables. That's why. And we had a lot left over, so that's all I was snacking on. And damnit, I feel like I need to do that again. Just to get started. I gave up breads. I gave up soda, candy.. all of that junk. And I was doing good. 3 weeks. That's it. I got a gym membership (that still takes out of our checking account.. go figure) the ONE day I went. I haven't been back since. They have classes there that would be free to me and I would love to take them. My excuse? I don't have a sports bra. Because I don't. I'm a very big girl in the chest area, and I go through sports bra quick. And I think it's also because I'm home. I don't work. I hate it, and I can't find a job.. and I think that's getting to me too. There's just a lot going on. And to put the cherry on top of it all, Facebook slaps me in the face with all of these updates. And all I want to say is.. "yes, I'm happy for you. but now, I'm over it". It's horrible. Just the way I feel, though.

I've also been considering going on birth control. I've never been on it before, so I wouldn't know where to begin, but it seems like a good option that would help me regulate (hopefully). I haven't talked to Jeff about it though. Only because we're on a break. But the thing is, I don't know how long that break is going to last, though I know it's going to be a long time. We're struggling so much right now, and it's not getting any better. But I don't know how he would feel about it. I don't know if that would help maintain my weight or whatever, though I could just start up my Metformin again. I stopped it after my cycle was cancelled, but I guess I should start it up to see if it helps with my weight again. I don't know. Just a lot to think about, on top of trying to find a job. I'm in desperate need. It's getting really, really, really bad. :(

Okay, let me bring up the happiness level at least to a semi-smile. This weekend was so much fun. Everyone loved our Halloween costumes, and I got so wasted, it was ridiculous lol. But I had a lot of fun. I just sat back and enjoyed myself, my husband and my friends. And made a little money too. I mean, who isn't going to vote for the costume that actually dispenses liquor? Yep, Jeff's costume did just that. It was pretty awesome.

Alrighty.. I leave you with a picture... back to watching the Phillies kick NY's ass! GO PHILLIES!!!

xoxoxo.

Okay... so I LOVE the way I'm looking.. except for the double chin face.. ughh. But my legs look FANTASTIC.. and I've been told I look like I've lost 50lbs instantly. So this is my motivation. I want to look like this for real..not just sucking it in for a picture lmao.=)