So I'm down 4lbs! Wooohoo! Only 6 more to go by my birthday, and 36lbs more to go until January 14th! I'm so excited.. determination really is working for me. I hope I can keep this up and I don't plateau.. woohoo!

I know with this weight loss, it's my last option to help me get pregnant. So right now, I'm not really even worried about getting pregnant. But I was talking to some of my girls on SC, and it's crazy how much TTC has taken over my life. I was literally addicted to it. Obsessed with it. But now not really paying attention to this, or scheduling that.. it makes me sit back and think.. well this should be my ovulation day. And if we were trying.. it would be this day that we would do this.. it's just horribly ridiculous. We've been trying now for almost 3 years. It'll be around 3 years on my birthday. With no result. And right now, I don't care. I don't care that I'm not pregnant. I don't care that I have to lose weight. Knowing that I don't have to worry about every day, every symptom, every appointment.. it's a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I can enjoy me again. I can enjoy my husband, and life again. Yeah, infertility completely sucks.. but you know what.. it doesn't have to take over your life! I know the big picture here is that I'm losing weight to get pregnant, but it really doesn't even feel like that. I know that's part of my motivation. But my biggest part is knowing that I need to get healthy. That PCOS has taken over my body, and this is going to help me win the battle. I want to be healthier. I don't want to be at a higher risk for anything. And I love how determined I am to do this. I haven't lost my motivation yet. I'm down 4lbs.. in roughly 2 weeks (a little less actually..) and that is great. I know it's only a little bit, but to me.. it's a lot because now I know what I'm doing.. is really working. And I'm going to keep doing it. I know that I want a baby more than anything. I want to be a mommy more than anything. But I also know that I want to be healthy for my child. I want to be able to run around with them and play with them and have the energy. And this is really giving me my life back. I'm not saying I'm going to be like I was when I was 15, but in the end..the really long term end.. I'll be damn close to it. But at that point, I won't care. Because hopefully by that point, I'll have a baby in my arms, or on the way. I'm just going to keep working the way I am... with a few changes here and there to make sure I don't come to a dead end.. and I'm going to kick ass. I want to regulate my periods a little more.. and go shopping when I have nothing else that will fit me. I'm looking forward to that. I have a few goals in my head of what I want to fit into and buy and whatnot. So I will just keep working at it. Because I know in the end, I'll get what I've been fighting for this whole time. Just gotta stay determined.. =)

Can anyone tell me why when I finally stand my ground about the way I feel, it gets shoved right back in my face, and I'm the one apologizing?? I didn't do anything wrong. I walked away from the drama and the bullshit, yet, I'm the bad person in all of this. UGHHH. Whatever. What was said, was said..and needed to be. It's done and over with.. and I've moved on completely. Next. =)

I'm cleaning the house like crazy today. Jeff decided, at the last minute lol, to invite people over on Sunday for his birthday which is fine.. but I can't stand having people in my house when it's a mess. I'm so OCD about that. And today is my only time to do it since tomorrow we have a bbq at a friends house we're invited to. And Monday is Jeff's birthday and that's going to be a day in itself, to say the least.. here's my to-do list.

Get up..get dressed.
Haul ass over to Shoprite.. get cake mix, icing, Cool Whip and strawberries. Oh and red writing stuff.
Get home.. bake the cake .. wash all the cake pans and whatnot so he doesn't realize I baked a cake ..it's a surprise.
Go out, buy his birthday gifts.. head over to my work.. blow up the balloons I got him and buy gift wrap.
Come home.. wrap his gifts.. tie the balloons down.
Get ready for dinner that night.
Finish the cake.
All before 3:30 when he walks through the door. Yeah, it's gonna be a long day. But it's going to feel like it's just flying by to me lol.

Oh well... I'm looking forward to a jam-packed weekend, and evidently.. we may be going camping next weekend. We'll see. Up to Jeff.. and he's gotta give me an answer.

Alrighty..enough blogging..gotta clean! Laters! <3 xoxoxo.

Megan's Baby Fund..

Hey all. Hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to post this to my blog.. not for the extra entries.. but to let other people know of this.. which I think is a great idea...

Megan is holding an auction for a baby fund. If you're able to donate, please do it. I did. Because I understand how difficult it is just to wish for a baby.. but paying for it is a whole different story. Anything.. even just $1 would help her.. we all know it. We've been there. Here's the information...

" Baby Fund Auction
Ok this is my first baby fund auction for my blog to raise money for...you guessed it my treatments in November.

Rules are simple.
For every $1 you donate you'll receive 2 entries into my auction.
For every $3 you donate you'll receive 4 entries into my auction.
For every $5 you donate you'll receive 6 entries into my auction.
and so on and so fourth.

Use the donate button to make a donation.
You'll also get an extra 4 enteries into my auction when you post about my auction on your blog.

Please e-mail me to let me know you did that because I won't know if you don't.
What do I have up for auction you ask? Well, I thought long and hard about this. I came up with my fancy dancy spiral bracelets my mother taught me how to make. I'm going to start selling them on etsy or ebay but I thought I'd consult my bloggy friends first to see how this auction goes. "

Her blog is megansroad.blogspot.com

Check it out if you're not following her, and even if you're not ready to make a donation.. let her know she's not alone in this.. I hope that what I donated helped her a little. And she's been there for me with this hell.

Thanks.=)

Okay, so for the past few weeks, all I've been listening to is "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. Thanks to Megan's blog site.. but I can't stop listening to it. I've heard it before, and never realized it was by Miley. I'm not really a fan, but the words are ridiculously real.

I'm so tired of being lied to, and hurt by people who I've cared for and trusted for so long. I never realized until now how other people can change so quickly. I'm tired of being there for someone when they hardly ever return the favor.

I realized over the past 2 days who my real friends are. Whether they are people I know physically, or people I meet on here..or SC.. they're my real friends. More real than the people I know physically. And in a way, that's sad. But in another way, it's a complete blessing. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for my SC girls.. or the girls who read this. I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't for the bitches and scumbags who screwed me over..and made me a better person. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for my husband. And my family.

Listening to that song makes me realize that life is full of trials and tribulations..more than I knew. And I'm going through so many things right now... but I never paid attention to myself coming out of those situations just a little bit stronger. I'm now realizing my self. My strength. My will. My optimism and my determination.

I don't need the people in my life who are dragging me down. I don't need the people in my life who are screwing me over, and lying to me like I'm stupid. Or who make me feel like crap just to put themselves in the victim position. I'm done. With it all.

I now know who my real, true friends are. I know me again. And it's a great feeling.

So with me changing in all sorts of ways, more ways than I thought I ever would, I'm ready for the next step. And I can't wait to see the new me.. just finished. With the weight loss, and not worrying about getting pregnant, and being happy for my friends and realizing that I deserve better than what I've been getting, I'm really on the right track.

So losing so-called friends really isn't bumming me out. Because I know my real friends need me. Just as I need them. There's a reason why I know every single person I do, good or bad. And that's okay. Because now it's me. And I'm going to get through it all. Good or bad. And I'm going to come out on the other side alot stronger than I was going in.

So goodbye to the old me. To my so-called friends who were anything but. To the people who just aren't worth it anymore.

It's my time. And no one can change that.

=)

Random spurts of whatever's on my mind..

...yeah it's been a while since I've done this.

-Today was my second day walking, and I feel really good. But I need to stop fighting myself in the morning and just get the hell out of bed.

-I am seriously starting to dislike the car scene. Since when did it turn into teeny bopper night with whores on the side? Seriously. Just because your boyfriend or friend has a nice vehicle all maxed out with shit, doesn't mean you have to dress like you belong on the corners of AC. Seriously.

-I'm tired of thinking my so-called best friend is my best friend. All of the sudden, it's okay that her other best friend who doesn't really think too much of me (not like I care..) can talk shit and that's okay, but as soon as I confront her about it, I know she'll either blow it out of proportion or lie to me like I'm effing stupid.

-I want to know why my 16 year old sister is talking about sex to her 17 year old boyfriend that she's only been going out with for 4 months. But more importantly, why does she find it better to confide in a dr after all we've talked about?

-I need a girl's night. Drinks included. Seriously. It's been too long.

-I want the summer to be over. So I don't have to worry about looking too big in my clothes. I want the car shows to stop. But it won't happen. I want the fall and the cold weather. I miss my hoodies. And my uggs.

-I love our new AC. No doubt about it..it has completely cooled off the entire downstairs with the exception of back here. But this used to be a sun patio, so I didn't expect it to do much. Though it is reasonably cooler in here too.

-Giving up soda and bread has been so far so good. It seems to be getting easier when I think about it. I'm still on pasta. But it was one or the other when it came to pasta or bread. I'm italian. I absolutely need one or the other. But so far, so good. And I'm being seriously good too.

-Thank you to my brother-in-law's girlfriend for moving that birthday cake out of my vision at my niece's birthday party Saturday night. But my husband lovingly sat in front of me and ate it. But that's alright.. he had no where else to sit, and everyone was eating it anyway. I was tempted. Very tempted..but I said no..and got a fruit-n-yogurt parfait from Mickey Ds later on.. yummm. So much better than cake.

-I'm still trying to figure out how to make a strawberry shortcake for Jeff's birthday. It's next week. Yep, more cake. But I won't eat it.

-And to figure out what I'm supposed to get him. Ugh.

-The guy from CVS and I have been playing phone tag. But I'm seriously second guessing this crap. I don't want to be too overwhelmed. And he kept emphasizing that the pharmacy I would be working at is the BUSIEST in South Jersey. WTF man?? As if I haven't been through enough already this month..add more stress. Fabulous.

-I need to call him this week or I lose the position. But why am I second guessing myself to call him?? I know I need to. And I know I need this job, but I don't want to call him. Ugh. I hate this.

-I want to be in EMS. Effing GCEMS..had to take over everyone. Ugh. I need to figure out something.

-This house still needs to be cleaned and I need to cut shit up for dinner night. But I'm sitting here. Doing this. Lovely. lol.

Alright. I'm done.. I need to get stuff done..lol.

So my RE's appointment went okay. Better than I expected. And after we talked about how we basically exhausted all options ..because my insurance is so effing limited.. He told me he thinks 'weight reduction' might be the best answer right now. Which is fine..and when I had already planned. He said if I lost like 20-35lbs in 6 months, then that should help me out alot. They weighed me today..ugh.. 265lbs. Can I shoot myself now? But.. it's alright. Today is a new day.. even the RE said it.. the first day to the rest of my life. My long-term goal is to get to 160lbs. Thats the ideal weight for me... with my build and such. But right now, my goal is to lose 35lbs in 6 months. At least. If I lose more, awesome. So we've decided to put the TTC on hold (like I already did) and to resume after I lose the weight if I need the help of the RE. He said when I'm ready and good, to call them and we'll get started again. He wants me to stay on the Metformin and to call him if I have any irregular periods. So let's just kinda hope that AF visits me next month lol. Other than that, it's pretty much right there for me. He said he won't suggest any bariatric surgeries to me yet because he can see it in my eyes that I can do it. And that I'm determined enough to do it. So hopefully it works out.. and by Christmas, I'm at least 30lbs lighter.... we hope. Just have to find a way that works.. and stick with it.

the new me!! haha.. I loveeeeee it!

and a new attitude too. I'm so over being depressed and upset about all this PCOS ttc crap. So I'm taking a new stand for myself..and just enjoying my life. I got plenty of weight to lose..and it's going to take time..so I'm not stressing over it anymore. If it's meant to be, it'll happen...

=)

New week. New fresh start. It's time for change, once again..starting with....

yep... a new hairstyle. My hair is now long enough to do something else to it..and right now, it's too blah. That and Jeff pointed out to me the other day that my roots definitely need to be done lol.

So I'm waiting to see when my girlfriend has an opening, then I'll be headed over to the salon so she can work her magic. She said most likely Wednesday, so we'll see! I'm excited!

Another thing.. Jeff and I have decided to try to conceive naturally, on our own. No more meds, or doctors or injections. I can't really afford any of those, and I doubt the RE would be excited to hear that we're taking a few steps backwards.

So with that being said, it looks like I have to go on one hell of a strict diet. I need to lose well over 100lbs to get where I was when I first met Jeff. Even 100lbs right now would do me good. I figure if I can lose a good amount of weight, that maybe it could regulate me a little and get my body working again. We're not going to be full on TTC for a while, and I'm not going to be all obsessive about BDing at the right time and whatever. The least of my concerns right now. Though the hell of all this is.. I have a nursery upstairs that's unfinished..and has no baby. And I have to pass it every night before bed. And every morning when I wake up. However, that could be a good thing..as a motivation tool. But I'm not going to stress over getting pregnant. I know we have plenty of factors, but at this point, I'm not on board with heartbreak and mental breakdowns and whatever else that came with it for the past 3 years. If it happens, it happens. Yeah, can you believe that's coming from me? But I don't have any other choices. I need to lose the weight. I need to get a job. I need to get money rolling back into the house again. We need change, and this is where I have to start. If a BFP hits me in the ass on the way, then I'll welcome it with open arms, but I'm not expecting it.

So here's to a new start... and hopefully one I'll stick with. Besides, I used to be pretty. Before PCOS kicked my ass..and my weight.

AF is here. Son of a bitch. One ugly bitch. UGH.

So we're officially done. Jeff says he wants to try naturally, but I don't know if that'll work.

So we're onto whatever the next step is..and I'm guessing for me.. it's weightloss.

Anyone have a free membership to a gym?? Ughhh.

I tested. It was negative. Surprise surprise.

So we're done. Monday's test will most likely confirm what I know. And then we're done.

And I look for support from my husband.. and his reply was "for what..because you knew there was a chance it would be negative?"

Yeah..wasn't looking for an asshole answer. But thanks for hurting me more than that negative sign I saw this morning.

I'm done. With it all. Good luck to the rest of you.

To test. Or not to test.

That's tomorrow...who knows. The RE tells me not to.

But I broke down and bought HPTs. Haha... I'm nervous..but we'll see.

My boobs STILL hurt.. and I'm cramping here and there. And now I have this pulling feeling going on... so who knows. And evidently, AF is due here..tomorrow. So I don't know. I'm in the air about it all once again, though I'm pretty sure I've been influenced to POAS by my SC girls. (I love you girls..more than you know.<3) But we'll see. I want to know before the weekend. I want to know if I can tell Jeff that he's going to be a Daddy and then watch fireworks. We'll see.

Fingers crossed. Screw that, more like everything crossed.=)