To test, or not to test..

Yeah, we're back to that question. AGAIN.

Because all of my little quirks and feelings, and twinges and such were gone. No more cramping, but my CM is amped up like hell. Oh, and let me add in... lower back pain like nobody's business. Now I don't know if it's because of work today.. that's when it started.. but I couldn't get comfortable last night trying to sleep either. I would lay on my back..and it would hurt. I tossed and turned.and kept getting frustrated.. and finally fell asleep.. but didn't stay asleep the entire night. And my boobs are STILL veiny. They've NEVER, EVER been veiny for this long!! Ugh. I hate this.. I don't know wtf is going on with my body. I don't want to test and see another effing BFN.. and feel like I wasted the money for no reason.. and still be heartbroken. I mean, come on.. no matter what - whether you think you're not pregnant.. or something just tells you your not.. if you see that negative, you're still gonna be pretty damn bummed, right? UGH. PCOS - You can kiss my ass. I am so tired of this crap anymore. Just once, I would LOVE to know what the hell is going on with my body. But I can never get a straight answer. I seriously wonder what I did in a past life to go through this hell now. I know we're on a break, and that's all fine and dandy.. because it has to be. But ugh. And we were in front of CVS tonight and I didn't say a word to Jeff. Because I don't want him getting all uncomfortable.. though he's my husband, and I should've told him. But then again, if by some miracle I am pregnant, which I doubt (I would say highly, but my body is making my mind think otherwise..), I want it to be a surprise to him. I know I should test before Halloween, and really.. my only time to test would be tomorrow. Well, that's more like I would have to buy the test tomorrow. I don't know when I would take it, because I know sometimes its a myth to wait for the morning urine.. but who knows. I just want answers. That's all. Really. It's not that difficult. *sighs*

I wish I could update on myself, but I really can't.

All I have is more CM for the past few days.. and I was cramping at the end of this past week. But I haven't since. It's crazy. Oh, and I'm HIGHLY emotional. I went to my sister's band competition on Saturday night with Jeff, my mom, and my sister's boyfriend, Bobby. And we watched the first band go on the field for competition and the announcer said "You now may take the field in competition" and I lost it.. I told my mom I missed it..and my eyes started to swell up with tears.. and I had to fight myself from crying.. I'm getting misty-eyed even typing it out right now!! WTF?!! Then like, 20 minutes ago, something on TV made me cry. Like, seriously. I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. My hormones are so out of whack. Damnit lol.

Anywho.. had a great time this weekend.. if you're my friend on FB... check the pictures out. It was a good weekend. Got caught in one hell of a storm Saturday night leaving the competition, and I had to make sure my mom was okay (6 knee surgeries and a replacement..you better believe I'm making sure she's okay walking through that crap).. and we were waiting for my sister and Bobby to come out of the school..and the front of that school SUCKS. It was a huge pool of water within minutes. My uggs got wet.. but they're old.. so it's okay.. but I wasn't moving.. I was under the awning with my mom.. and the rain was so far up on the ground..it went past the rubber part of my uggs..and hit the fabric.. completely sucked. But other than that.. it was an awesome weekend!

Okay..back to cleaning. Ughh.. I hate that that's my life anymore lol.

GO PHILLIES!!!!

2009 NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPS AGAIN!!!

See you at the World Series!!! WOOOOO!

..and you know my ass is going to get tickets.. or at least try my best!!! =)

So for some reason or another, I feel like I don't need to take a test anymore.

I'm not questioning my body. I'm not questioning my so-called 'symptoms'. It seems like I've come to terms that it's just something that has to do with PCOS, and there's no reason to waste anymore time in thinking I was actually pregnant.

My breasts are still veiny, but that's really the only thing that's going on right now. And I don't know if it's me becoming immune to feeling sadness or hurt from it really not being pregnancy symptoms, or what.. but I just feel like I don't care anymore.

This happened to me last year too. I became severly overwhelmed with everyone being pregnant, and then it just went away, and I was like, whatever. I just needed time for it to happen to me again. Let's see... I know... at least 6 women that are pregnant right now. And at this point, I really don't care. It happens. It may not happen for me for a while, but I've come to terms with it once again. I may, however, for the hell of it, test before we go to the party on Halloween. Just to make sure I can drink. But other than that, my mini-baby-fever-breakdown is over. So for those of you who are expecting...congrats. And that's all I really need to say about that.

Moving on..

It's finally sunny out. But still ridiculously cold. It seems like we sort of skipped Fall and went into the beginning of Winter, but I'm not going to complain because I absolutely LOVE this weather. The trees in the backyard are finally starting to change colors, and I know it's going to be a pain in the ass to rake all of the leaves up, but I honestly don't mind it. Hopefully I'll get some nice pictures in.. I love taking autumn pictures. And October always seems like the best time to do it.

And I love that October = Playoffs. So excited.. Phillies are in the NLCS and they play tomorrow night. I'm going to try my best to win tickets to the game. I would LOVEEEEE to be there. I wish I had the $200+ for each ticket, but bills have to be paid first. Hopefully my radio-calling luck will be there with me tomorrow morning, and hopefully I can come back on here saying that Jeff and I are going to the game tomorrow night! I have to get up at like 5am to listen to Preston and Steve, but I don't care! I'll do it! LOL.

So I was on the Phillies website this morning..looking to see the prices of the tickets for shits and giggles, and I came across this video.. watch it.. but make sure to listen at the 54 second mark.

http://philadelphia.phillies.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20091019&content_id=7495156&vkey=news_phi&fext=.jsp&c_id=phi

Did you hear it? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was Jimmy Rollins ..lmao. Gotta love how they slip, and yet the media still can't catch it... like Chase Utley's WS speech last year... World F*CKING Champions.. lmao.. I find it pretty funny that it's basically on mlb.com and they haven't picked it up yet. Oh well.

But that game last night was amazing.. I really thought they were done after the 4th inning. But they came back like they always do. Jeff and I went to bed before the game was over (the game didn't get over til like 11:45pm) and Jeff had to work today..but I was watching TV, and could hear the fireworks going off.. so I woke Jeff up and told him I was pretty sure the Phillies won. I checked my phone..and there it was.. 5-4... if they win tomorrow night.. they're going to the World Series again! I'm so excited, it's ridiculous. And if I win those tickets tomorrow, I'm so going to the mall and FINALLY getting the Phillies hat that I want.

I'm just hoping I have a shot to win those tickets. We'll see. If not.. I'll STILL be in Philly.. how can you not be on a night like that?!

GO PHILLIES!!!!

And once again.. everyone I'm surrounded by got the one thing I've been dreaming of..

kill me now. I'm over it.

Brrr. Yes.. it's freezing.

But I'm still so in love with the fall.=)

Anywho..

So I went to my ob's appointment today.. she said everything looked normal, and felt normal. The veins showing in my breasts may be from my hormone treatments, and could even possibly be pregnancy related, but she said she doesn't see anything wrong. But she did write me a script to get a mammogram and an u/s done, which I'm not doing. She said it herself..nothing was wrong, she just wanted to cover all bases. They scheduled my appointment for me, and that day can't work for me, number 1.. and number 2.. I don't feel comfortable getting a mammogram and paying for it for nothing.

So..onto my next thought.. of course, in the world of an IF woman... all I can think about is if it's pregnancy related. Though I'm 95% sure it's not, and my body and mind are messing with me, I can't help but think otherwise. Between that, my gassy-ness ..I'm literally burping up everything I eat after I eat it.. that started a few days ago.. weird. I've never had that happen to me before. And the pimple breakout on the one side of my face when I only get one pimple when I'm PMSing. And the crazy dreams. And the sore boobs...but they're not sore anymore.. but are still somewhat veiny. And the whole buffalo wing kick.

Ugh.. who knows. Guess I'll just roll with the tide and see what happens. Yes, I'm itching to test. But no, I don't have the money to waste on a test that I know is going to be negative, and right now... I can't deal with my heart breaking over another BFN... *sighs*

It's always either a guessing game, or a waiting game, isn't it?

Happy (crappy) Thursday.

It's about 40-45 degrees outside, and just plain crappy. It's raining and it's windy, and blah.

And of course, that's how I am today... just blah. I don't want to be.. but at this point, I'll take my husband and a fire and some snuggling. I'm cold.. and I never get cold. You know it's bad when I wear a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie over that, and sweats with my uggs. Usually I'm in a t-shirt and basketball shorts hanging around the house.. it's crazy.

Speaking of crazy... ughhh..

I wish I knew what the hell my body was doing. I'm sooooo itching to test, but I KNOW it'll be a BFN. And I can't take that heartbreak anymore. My boobs are still veiny, but not sore anymore. However, this has lasted too long, and it ended up with me having an appointment tomorrow afternoon with my ob. Hopefully I'll see her tonight at work.. though I'm still keeping my appointment. And my face has broken out on one side of my face.. that is frustrating the crap out of me. AF is due tomorrow or Saturday, and usually with AF.. I get one big pimple on the side of my face..and that's all. It disappears after much treatment and AF going away. But this isn't the case this time. So frustrating. Oh..and another lovely, crazy thing... wings. Yes, buffalo wings. That's all I want. Honestly.. it seems like that's the only thing I ever want to eat anymore. And that's been going on for about a week. I know it's only CD36.. and I know "cravings" don't usually happen that early, so I'm not chalking this up to anything. I can't.

But... it doesn't help that I watched "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" last night.. that was the only decent thing on. And all I kept saying was .. damn... I don't want to test, but what if I don't.. and I am pregnant.. and I don't find out until I either miscarry or have the baby? .. I know, crazy, right? Stupid tv shows. And of course.. both episodes had one woman who had PCOS. Ugh. I just want my freaking body to work right already.

We've been on a break for 2 1/2 weeks, and I'm going crazy. It's so hard to stay on this break. Last time, we were on a break for a month before I said I couldn't handle it anymore. And this time, it's actually gotta be longer because we just do not have the money for the meds. It completely sucks.

Alright... I'm done bumming myself out.. gotta finish my grocery list.. and wait for hubby to get home.<3

So we're back to that good ol' annoying thought once again...

Could I possibly actually be pregnant?

And I'm going to say no. Why?

Because everytime I even hope that I am, I get shot down like a geek asking the homecoming queen to go out on a date. times an infinity. plus 5.

So yeah. My boobs STILL hurt.. well, not hurt, but they're sore. I'm wearing a bra still, since I haven't changed into my jammies yet.. and they're sore. I can only imagine how they are going to feel when I take it off. Oh, wait.. it's the way they've been feeling for the past week and a half.. SORE. Ugh. They're still sort of veiny, but not as much as the beginning of this week. But I can tell you.. the one vein that I noticed the most..is still pretty visible.

My RE said to call my OBGYN if in another week, this is still going on. He told me that the meds could make them sore, and asked if they were lumpy or engorged. Number one, doc, my boobs are like freaking canteloupes.. and no, I'm not exaggerating. So no, I don't know if they're engorged. They're big enough as it is.. and if they get bigger, I can't tell. And no, they're not lumpy. So he tells me that the meds don't cause them to be 'veiny'. Alrighty.. so wtf is going on with me? No one knows.

So I'm giving it a few more days, and then I'm going to be making a nice phone call over to my ob and ask her when I can come in.. so I can at least get checked out.

But in the meantime, not only am I the one thinking this..but as are my other SC girls... is it possible that even though my cycle was cancelled, I can still get pregnant? Who knows. Because I don't even know if I ovulated. I guess we'll find out in time.

Of course, there's a part of me who's like.. geez I hope so. But the other part of me.. the part that is so over feeling positive about this crap is like, "hell no. Once again, it's your stupid not-so-normal body playing tricks on you. Go ahead...take that pregnancy test, and when it comes out negative, I get to say I told you so. And that you wasted your money... AGAIN."

Oh..and on a side note... if you don't know how to spell pregnant.. you make me want to smack the crap out of you. (referring to the oh-so-many threads on SC.. seriously.. of all the words... that's the one you get wrong..ugh)

Time to snuggle up in bed with my hunny.. night!

I so should be snuggled up in my VS pink sweats.. my uggs and a warm hoodie.. with a few ginger snaps next to me.. along with a nice cup of hot chocolate.

But I'm not. lol.

That's because I worked earlier today, and still haven't changed. And we don't have any hot chocolate. We definitely need to go food shopping lol.

So today was the typical fall day... chilly.. sunny...all fall-ish. I was in love. Minus the 50mph gusts that were blowing me from one side to the next. And the fact that we had our door open at work today, and between my boss, her grandson, and me.. we were out there all day sweeping leaves out of the store lol.

It's still ridiculously windy out, but I'm sitting here..all nice and cozy. But guess what would make me even happier? If I was snuggling up on my couch or in my bed, and I was writing this from a laptop. Hah. Is it so horrible to want a laptop for Christmas? Yeah, I so know I won't get one.. but damn. What if I make the excuse that when I eventually am pregnant, and I might possibly have to go on bed rest, and I wouldn't be able to use my computer.. would that work? LOL.. love to think ahead, yes I do.=)

Speaking of.. I know this sounds totally OCD and anal, and definitely crazy.. but I already have my Thanksgiving menu picked out. AND I'm on the verge of finishing..yes..finishing..my Christmas Eve menu. I'm not doing Christmas, because hopefully we're going to be driving up to the Poconos to spend it with my family, since they'll all be vacationing up there in a way lol. But I figure I'll host Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve for Jeff's family. Should be okay, right? I mean.. I usually go down to my parents for Thanksgiving. Not only to hang out, but since my sister is in the band like I was, and I like to watch the HS football games. Our HS football team is pretty kick ass most of the time, and one of those times is this year. However, I won't be scurring my turkey-loving self down there. That and I don't want to hear any complaints this year. I had enough last year.

Anywhoooo... I'm also going to attempt to bake a few holiday desserts...get this..from scratch. Hah. We'll see how well that goes. We're hopefully heading up to a farm this Saturday to go Apple picking, even though the season hasn't been too good, from what I hear. So we'll see. But we also need to go there at some point and get pumpkins to carve again(yay).

On the TTC front, not much going on. I was still a little twingy a few days ago, but that subsided. I've also been a little crampy, but it's only before I have to go to the bathroom for some reason every now and then (sorry for TMI). And my boobs are still veiny.. like they have been for the past few days.. so who knows. But I'm not worried. Whatever happens, happens.

Alrighty.. time to go snuggle up with my hunny.=)

oxoxo.