Can I just say how much I absolutely LOVE this time of year? =)

I was so happy today to finally start getting my fall/Halloween decorations together. I already put up my window clings. I love decorating for each holiday. I love driving by different houses to see their ideas. And Halloween starts it all.. yay!

It's Sunny.. about 60-65 degrees out, and I'm in Heaven. I have just a little bit of a chill.. and leaves are already on the ground. I absolutely love it. I have to wear my hoodie if we go out anywhere, it's getting darker sooner. Ahhh.

Another thing I love about the holidays.. strangely enough.. is I actually don't really think of having kids. I mean decorating gets my mind off of it completely. And thinking of Halloween costumes ... parties ... and the next holiday following puts too much on my mind to think about anything else. Yeah, I know I'll eventually have my own child to dress up and take trick-or-treating. I know I'll be able to decorate a little more, and get excited in different ways. But I figure right now isn't the time to worry about babies or even trying to get pregnant. I'm enjoying what I can now, while I still have the chance. Jeff and I will going to parties.. and maybe we'll want to hit up Fright Fest at some point this month.. and when you have a kid, you give up a lot. Trust me, I would give up EVERYTHING in a heartbeat if I was pregnant, but right now, I know there's a reason why God just hasn't blessed me yet. And I'm just going to patiently wait. Why stress? Why get upset every month? I realized I'm missing out on a lot of things by obsessing over this baby stuff.

So moving on.. I so need to get more decorations for Halloween. Seriously. I thought I had more, and I'm telling you..every year, it seems like enough lol. But when I pull it out to decorate, it's like stuff disappears, but it really doesn't lol. So hopefully, whenever we go out somewhere, I can pick up a few things that I like. And I say this every year, but I HAVE to buy a rubbermaid tote for Halloween. Everything's in cardboard boxes, and those boxes are getting abused lol. So whenever I can find a sale, I'll get one for Halloween. I did for Christmas, and I need to get one for Easter too, but I'll do that when the time comes. But Halloween is coming up, so that's the only thing on my mind. I'm so excited.. I got myself a new layout for my blog to get into the spirit. Though, I will absolutely admit with no shame, I am DEATHLY afraid of all things horror. LMAO. I am such a wimp, it's not even funny. I don't do haunted hayrides or anything.. unless it's with a group of friends who I know will make fun of the people. Jeff and I have gone to Fright Fest a few times with a group of people, and it's been okay. The last time we went, we took my niece, Stephanie. She was about 11 years old, and every kid under 12 got a whistle. And if you didn't want to be scared by the people, you blew the whistle. Well, this poor kid was attached to my hip cracking up as I whistled the whole night! LOL. But it's so much fun at the same time. I'm hoping to attempt to go this year. Last year, we went to Dorney Park, and I'm telling you.. I MADE us leave by 5:59pm lmao. Their Haunt nights started at 6pm, and I chickened out immediately, lol. It's okay if you're reading this and cracking up. I laugh at myself all the time over this. And I blame my mom. She's all into finding the best haunted hayrides, or like Jason's Woods or something.. she loves it. Well, when I was little, they had this haunted house in Wildwood. And I told my mom I didn't want to go in, and this vampire guy came out, took me by the hand, and freaking brought me inside..by myself! Yeah, that didn't last very long LOL. I freaked the hell out.. but I still had to go through the entire thing with my mom. She's so torturous when it comes to this kinda stuff lol. I don't do horror films either. I blame that on my cousin. I don't know who allows a 8 year old to watch Psycho as her first horror movie. Talk about not taking a shower for a month! LMAO.

But other than that horror stuff, I love this time of year. I love going out and seeing all the kids dressing up. I love seeing all the decorations in the stores. It's funny, because I work in a card shop, and we have to constantly be 2-3 holidays ahead. So we have Halloween and Christmas on the same side of the store, and Thanksgiving is on the other side. So, for those of you complaining that you see Halloween stuff already.. I had to put up Christmas ornaments in the beginning of September. And actually, that's late. Last year, I put them up July 7th. How's that for ya? LOL. But it's all good.. it just reminds me that cooler weather, shorter days, and my uggs are coming out of the box soon!

I know I'm babbling, but I haven't posted in a while, and I'm in such a good mood!!

So, that brings me to a question for you... are you dressing up for Halloween this year? And if so, as what? I would love to know!

Jeff and I already have our costumes picked out..and actually, Jeff's will be done very soon. I know I should tell you, if you're leaving me a comment telling me, but you know for sure I'll have pictures, and I'd rather show you the pictures first. I'm hoping that whatever costume contest we enter, we win. This year should blow us out of the water! LOL. Of course, Jeff will look better than me, but it's all good.

Alrighty..enough of me going on and on. It's time for dinner. And then snuggling up.. maybe I'll get Jeff to light a fire outside.. we'll see.=)

So we're done. Again.

The RE called me this afternoon to let me know what was going on. From this morning's u/s, she thought we would be cancelling the cycle since my body isn't responding the way they had hoped. She had to wait for my bloodwork to come in, and it did.. and it's not enough. The other RE said I would need at least another week on medicine for at least a hope, so they're stopping me now. I mentioned to her this morning that this is our last cycle. We're done after this. And now I officially know. Sad thing is, I'm completely immune to feeling any sort of depression, or being upset. I haven't cried. I've just told my husband, and a few friends, and have moved on. There's nothing else we can do right now. TTC is officially on hold once again. I don't know if Jeff and I are going to sit down and figure out what else to do next or what, but that's really it. We can't afford the meds anymore. It's just not working out. Who knows if I'll ever become a mom, but at this point, I'm not even sad about that.

I may be around lurking and reading other blog entries, but as for updating my own..who knows when I'll be back to do that. Good luck to the girls currently TTC. Hope you have a lot more luck than I did.

So... I haven't updated, and I apologize.

Evidently, I have 'explosive follicles'. That's what I was told on Friday morning at my appointment. I have a lot of little follicles, but I was told not to lose hope.

I go in yesterday, to a dr I haven't had before..and OH MY GOD... he hurt me like hell. Like it was horrible. I wanted to ask him if I could have the probe.. ask him to bend over..and let me hurt him! Ughh.. horrible. And he proceeds to tell me "you have a lot of little follicles (duh), and we don't see improvement or growth in the next few days, we may be cancelling this cycle like last time". Okay, I actually DID the IUI last time, but it just took me a little while to get there. Ugh. I did not like him, at all.

Well anyways.. I got all upset because I took the last of the medicine I had last night.. and I'm taking 250ius of the 300iu vial they donated to me tonight. So that's it.. I'm out of meds. And if they know that I'm out of meds, I'm done.. they'll stop the cycle. I'm really hoping they don't.. so I'm on a hunt once again.. hopefully I'll have more soon.

Other than that, another kick ass Fireman's weekend for the books. I had a lot of fun. But of course, gotta wait til next year lol.

Alrighty.. back to prepping dinner for later..

I'll hopefully be back to update tomorrow morning with a better outcome....

Okay, follies... gather around...and listen to me.

You need to grow. Seriously.

Haha.. my appointment was this morning, and I think it went very well. I have a 8mm follicle on the right side, and a 7mm one on the left. The RE upped my dosage to 200ius and I have to go back Friday morning to see where we are. I'm really hoping by some point next week, we can schedule the IUI. The RE reminded me today that if there were more than 5-6 follicles, we would have to cancel the cycle. So I don't know how, but I really, really want to avoid that situation. So we'll see where we are on Friday. I don't want to take forever to stim, but I don't want to overstimulate, either. I'm hoping that I can get 3-4 good follicles this time, like I did last time..but just have it all stick! LOL. We'll see..another waiting game, but it's all good. It's a good, good waiting game.

=)

9/11/01. Never Forget.

I knew what my tattoo would look like before I even got it. And when I did get it, 5 years and 10 days later, it was a little bit of closure for me.

My father, my grandfather, my uncle, my mother, my husband, and myself have been/are part of Emergency Services; whether that be Fire, EMS, or First Responder. And to me, 9/11 hits home. No, I didn't know anyone personally who died on that tragic day, but you have the sense of mourning for the families that lost their loved ones. When you're in Fire or EMS, you automatically have this brother/sisterhood that you carry along with you. And for the 343 Firefighters/EMTs who sacrificed their lives on that very day makes me proud, but sad all at the same time.

I'm proud of the 343 men and women who gave their lives for the call of duty. They're heroes, no matter what way you look at it. They walked into that horrible, horrible situation with no hesitance. No reluctance. They knew what they needed to do. I bet a lot of them had fear, no doubt. No matter what call you have, small or gigantic, you always have that lump in your throat. But between knowing what you have to do, and your adrenaline, fear sort of subsides. You never think about the outcome of that situation. That's the one moment in life, where you literally need to be in the moment. Not think about anything else.

Those 343 men and women, my fellow brothers and sisters, are angels. And on this day, I think about how they are looking down, at their fellow brother/sisterhoods. At their families and friends. I know we mourn for their deaths, but at the same time, we celebrate their lives. They were guardian angels here on Earth, as they are in Heaven. I am saddened that they left this Earth so soon. But when you become a Firefighter or an EMT, even a cop, you take an oath to save lives. And that doesn't even question coming before your own. They are the people I look up to for guidance. They are the people who show us that they will sacrifice anything to save someone. I admire all those men and women. The strength and courage they had. The determination to save lives.

And on this day, 8 years later, I still stand strong, and salute them for a remarkable sacrifice. They are angels, flying free. I will never forget the sacrifice they made for the American people, and for our country. They will forever be a part of me. And I hope to carry some of them along with me.

For the men and women who lost their lives in the tragic 9/11 incidents - In my heart, you'll forever remain. You will never, ever be forgotten. *343*

AF IS HERE!! Woohoooo!!!


On my way out the door now to go to the RE's office! Here we go again!=)

UPDATE - 7 follies on my right...10 on my left... and I'm starting my meds tonight! Yay!!=)

AF, where art thou?

Come onnn.

Today is CD67. Boo. I woke up with spotting, but nothing more. I feel the pressure when I go to the bathroom, like my period is going to show up any minute, but nothing. It needs to get here! I want to call the RE and be like, alrighty! Time for my week of u/s and bloodwork and whatnot. Bring it on. But the thing is.. vacation is next week. Which means I probably won't be calling the RE until tomorrow to tell him AF showed her ugly face full blast, which also means that she'll be here well into next week. Ugh. But you know what.. I don't really care. As long as she is outta here by next weekend. It's the Firemen's Convention.. and we're staying down in Wildwood for the weekend.. and I am NOT worrying 24/7 about AF and leaking or whatever while I'm trying to have a good time on the boardwalk! I don't even mind Jeff shooting me up with drugs while we're down there.. as long as I don't have to deal with her. But I'm wondering what the RE is going to do with these meds. I've never done straight injections before. I'm wondering how soon I need to start them... hmm..

But unlike all the NORMAL people out there, I'm begging for AF to just get here already! 67 days is wayyyyy too long of a cycle for me! I knew I should've asked for Tamoxifen the month we were on break. I wouldn't have to be dealing with this. Though, it gave me time to get my medicine.. so I really can't complain too much. I just need her here ASAP. I'm going crazy, lol. On their birthday, people wish for normal things... what do I wish for right before I blow out my candle? My freaking period.

..and to think.. I always told people I was never normal... and never knew that I would prove it this way! =)

Happy Birthday to meeee!!

LOL. Yep. Today is the day! =)

So far, I've gotten so many texts, and phone calls, and facebook shout-outs ..and I want to thank everyone for all of the birthday wishes!

I'm about to go get ready to go out to dinner tonight... hubby's taking me somewhere.. I still don't know where though lol. Kept a surprise all this time, so we'll see! =)

Hopefully year 23 gives me good luck. My mommy got pregnant with me when she was 23.. so maybe I'll have the same luck.

Thanks again to everyone for the birthday wishes!!

oxoxoxoxo.

alcohol wipes and vials and needles, oh my!

Yep. It's that lovely time again. No more TTC break for us!

We had our consultation with the RE yesterday and we've decided to try again with an IUI. Which is fine by me. But this time, we're doing straight injections. I'm waiting for a phone call from the RE's office to let me know the results from my bloodwork taken yesterday, then I'll be starting Provera. I'm excited to get back up and get the ball rolling again. I'm worried, though, about not having enough meds. I know the RE told me he's going to try his best to get donated meds through the office, which is awesome. And I'm working on trying to get what I can with what I can afford right now. I'm hoping that this works, because I don't know if another IUI would be done in the future, because of the injections issue. But we'll just take one step at a time, and take it day-by-day in hopes that this one works. So we're back! And fingers are crossed once again. Besides, I've missed the oh-so-addicting smell of alcohol wipes. Haha, yeah I'm a freak. But it's all good! =)