Impatience is my worst enemy. (jealousy, too.)

I know I was pretty determined, and optimistic about everything. However, I'm starting to fall back into my (what I like to call..) blahhhhh stage. I don't want to be here, yet I am. Ugh.

I talked to the lawyer Monday morning, and he told me that it could now take up to 90 days for things to happen. I'm happy about that, in the way that we all know when you're dealing with lawyers and all of the legal crap, it tends to take forever. I'm also sort of annoyed. I mean, I've been doing this for almost 4 years now. The whole waiting thing is just getting freaking frustrating. Everyone else around me is either pregnant, tending to their babies, or making their way closer to becoming parents-to-be. Me? I'm stuck in the mud while everyone races in front of me. Like I took a wrong turn in the woods. I just want to move forward. I want to be at the RE's office every other day doing this. I want him to order my meds and start working with us to get the road started again.

I think it's more frustrating because I went to see him Thursday and he did bloodwork and an u/s....and it felt normal. I did that every other day for 2 months straight last year. He told me start Provera, so I did. (I just finished last night) But for what? We can't order my meds or anything. So here I am, bringing AF on for nothing. And that's just so...#$%^&*%#$!!!

Other than that, things like today... make me so ... I don't even know what. Jealous. Stuck. Happy but upset. I went to my best friend's today to go walking with her. We took her 6 year old daughter and her 17 month old daughter with us. When we got back to her house, we had a snack, then went out to Target. Just seeing the way she interacts with her kids makes me want it that much more. Her 6 year old constantly tells her that she loves her and she's the best mom ever. Like she said today that if there was a day that a holiday wasn't declared, she would call it best mom ever day just for her mommy. It melts your heart, normally. And it did for me, to a point. The rest of it was like, why don't I have this? Why do I have to wait so long to get a smile, a kiss, or a hug from my child? I see it, and it just makes me ridiculously jealous. She's my best friend. I love her kids so much. And I hate that it makes me feel like that. And I can't tell her because I'll feel horrible for making her feel bad about loving her girls, and showing them how to love. I can't tell her. I just want that.

I'm a fighter. I've fought for pretty much everything in my life. This freaking war is ridiculous. I just want to get it started again. I won't mind it so much if another IUI fails, because I know I can move to the next. Stopping and going is the worst thing ever. I just want to keep going. It's been a year, and I haven't been able to do anything. It just sucks knowing I have to wait even longer, and even though we're pretty sure we got this case in the bag, we're not 100% on knowing if we're going to win. You never know. I hate being in limbo. :( :(

It's MY turn!

I think this might finally be our break I've been so desperate for for soo long! I got in touch with the lawyer, and since the insurance company isn't cooperating, we're taking this to the court. We're going to officially be in a lawsuit. I have an appointment with Dr. Packin Thursday morning. The lawyer wants a letter stating what treatments they want me to do so he can show the judge. So we'll see. I'm nervous, excited and anxious to just get things done. Please let this be my turn.

and who said you can't feel so alone in a world full of people?

thank goodness I have my husband.

and a new job to keep me occupied. because at this point... that's all that's keeping me going.

yeah, it's getting to me again. more than ever.

thank you, 2010. for really sticking it to me.