a year later..

Well it's been over a year since I touched this blog, and unfortunately, not much as changed.

I lost 40 lbs this year, but gained back 15. I quit my job after an attempted robbery. We went through bankruptcy. I cut my hair. Those are the changes.. but what hasn't changed - I'm still not a mom.

After Bandit passed away last year, we had our trip to Disney. It was amazing. I'm beyond addicted to that place now, and actually will be going back twice in 2013. I am running Disney's Princess Half Marathon in February, and then Jeff and I are going back in November with my mom and my brother. I'm excited for that, since that was the one place where Jeff and I were both happy. We didn't have a care in the world. It was wonderful, and I can't wait to have that feeling back again.

In late September, a friend of mine found out she was pregnant, and decided she couldn't raise the baby, so she had asked Jeff and I if we wanted to adopt it. We jumped on board, and I was excited to finally get the chance to be a mom. However, in the middle of October, she found out she lost the baby, and my world was shattered again. And this all happened right as my best friend announced to the world that she was pregnant with baby #3. I lost it. I freaked out on her, and almost lost her. It was just overwhelming, and got to be way too much for me.

I found out earlier this year that my lawsuit fell through, and was a complete washout. They denied everything, and even my lawyer said there was no reason to fight back or appeal. So we dropped it.

In February of this year, we claimed bankruptcy and surrendered the house. As of now, we're just living here until the foreclosure goes through, and they tell us to get out. We're looking to move to Williamstown, which is closer to my parents, and honestly - right in the middle of our two families. But that move won't be happening until May of 2014, so I sit here trying to make it through not freaking out on my neighbors.

In June of this year, I put my 2 weeks into work. I was completely unhappy, stressed, and had days of chest pains. Not good for a (at the time) 25 year old. The night before my last night, a guy came in and tried to rob the pharmacy. I now refuse to work retail, I still don't feel safe in my own house, and I've lost sleep. PTSD has taken over my life, and I have yet to see anyone about it. Don't ask me why.

So now I sit here, on a Wednesday afternoon. My husband is at work, and I hardly ever see him. And when I do, we're fighting. My marriage is non existent. I don't see anyone. I'm in this house 24/7, with no life.. at the age of 26.

I feel like a complete failure. My marriage isn't happy. I'm not happy. I'm unemployed. I can't keep my Tastefully Simple business going. I can't have a baby. I feel like I'm failing in every aspect of my life, and I just don't know what to do.

I've been occupying myself with this 1/2 marathon, and running. That's the only good thing that is going on in my life right now. Everything seems like it's in shambles. I really don't know what to do anymore. This is definitely not where I pictured myself at this point in my life. I pictured myself with a career, at least one baby by now, in a nice house in a nice neighborhood.. happy with my husband and my child. I don't have any of that. I have a roommate who keeps a roof over my head. I have a crappy house that is falling apart in a shitty neighborhood full of jackasses. I quit my job before I had another one lined up, and I'm struggling to find another one. Going back to school is a joke since I have no money, and the freaking government doesn't help for anything. And the one thing I wanted the most is the farthest away from me.

But I keep smiling. I keep pushing on. Hoping, praying, and wishing that something changes. That it gets better. Waiting and working towards a better life. I'm at a stand still right now. I'm beyond the point of giving up, yet I refuse to. I don't know what it is inside to me that keeps telling me to keep going .. that I need to for some reason, but I don't know what that reason is.

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like a failure. I'm better than that, yet I can't prove it to myself. I just keep trying to stay positive, because somehow, it helps me get through the day. Though I'm alone, and have nothing to do but think all day, looking at the bright side of things has really helped me. I still have a roof over my head. I still have food in my stomach. I still have my family and some friends. My life may not be what I want it to be right now, but I'll get there. I don't know how long it'll take, or how much more I can take, but I'll keep going to make my dreams come true, until I physically cannot do it anymore.

I just need to keep going.. and keep fighting for what I know I deserve.. I'll get there. One step at a time.. I know it'll all be worth it in the end..