WOOOOHOOOOO!!!

Finally.. no more phone tag with the RE's office.

I have my consult set for Monday afternoon at 3... oh, pretty stirrups that are in the u/s room, I'm back! And my lovely fertility socks! Woohoo!

BRING. IT. ON!

=)

I need drugs!! drugs are good..mmmkay.=) LMAO Erin..

But seriously.. I need drugs...

Okay.. Follistim and Gonal-F.. I really, really, REALLY need them...

So if ANYONE knows of ANYWHERE or ANYBODY who has them and is willing to get rid of them..sell them.. please, please, PLEASE let me know.

I'm really desperate. I want to get this ball rolling again.. and I need the drugs!

THANKS!! =)

PS - If you know of someone who knows someone.. please post this in your blog to help me out!!

So it's a no-go on the WLS surgery, my choice.

My girlfriend did WLS, and was telling me the pre-ops about it.. I don't have time for that right now.

Or the fact that I would have to put off TTC any longer. It's bad enough now.

All I know is that right now, I need to get money for those damn injections. I still cannot believe my insurance doesn't cover them.

I know they would work.. I just know it.

But ... I can't catch a break for anything right now, so what does it matter anyway, right?

So I've moved on from being depressed. Because we all know in the IF world, it's going to hit you sometime or another. And I think my attacks are pretty well spread out. Ugh.

So my next contemplation.. is WLS. Lapband surgery, specifically. I thought about it, and to me it's got its ups and downs, of course.

I'm only 23.. but I've been overweight for years. I never changed my diet or activity when I gained all that weight (in about a year, mind you..ugh), and since then.. I've been sucked into diet scams and all sorts of exercise bullshit. You name it, I probably did it. Tried Alli, Slim Fast, South Beach, Acai Berry, Weight Watchers.. and oh the many workout DVDs I have. Pathetic. I figure this may help me.

I'm still figuring it out. I know my insurance company will cover it, but only if its a medical necessity. And I'm worried about how much longer it would put off TTC. However, if I did do it, and I know that it's only a tool to help me lose weight, and I did lose weight.. I would have a better chance of conceiving naturally, which would be fantastic. Another up-side, though I'd hate to think of it this way, is I'm unemployed. So now might be a good time to do it. I don't know. Like I said, still thinking.. still definitely up in the air.

Jeff said in his opinion, I should get on steady schedule of hitting the gym, which I agree with, since I've only joined a week ago. However, the many attempts to lose weight with no success has got me thinking the other way. I don't know.

I think the least I can do right now is call the dr up, and see if he takes my insurance, and set up a consultation if I can. We'll see.

Okay, time for bed..hopefully I can hit the gym tomorrow. I've been really, really bad lately.

Why is it that I always end up right back here? Back to the depressed, angry, upset me. I'm so tired of the tears. Of the headaches. The heartaches. The jealousy. I can't take it anymore.

I don't want to be on hold. I don't want to wait 6 months and try again, with no guarantees. I didn't ask for this. And I feel horrible about being mad at God, but sometimes, I really am. I don't understand it. The 19 year old girls, the drug addicts, the alcoholics.. how on Earth do they deserve kids over me?! I don't understand it.

My friend is just starting out on the TTC world with doctors and tests and treatments. She says God has already written this chapter of our lives. He knows what's going to happen. He knows that I'm ready. But he's got a plan for me. I want to believe her, but right now.. I'm ready. I have been. I don't want to wait for him to be ready. It sounds so selfish and undermining. And I feel bad, but then again, in a twisted way, I really don't. I feel like I've struggled long enough.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I used to believe that. But with this.. with PCOS and infertility, and the whole effing world against me once again, I'm anything but stronger. Everyday, I'm a little weaker. I'm weaker when I find out my friends are pregnant without even trying.. no matter who they are. I'm weaker when I have to walk past that spare room every night before I go to bed, and every morning when I wake up. I'm weaker in knowing I can't even call it a nursery because there's no baby. I've learned my strength over the years, but right now, it's down to the wire. I'm honestly just waiting for it all to snap. I'm waiting for me to snap.

I am losing my mind. Literally. I'm waiting to fully crack and have a breakdown. This is killing me. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about one day being a mom. I can't stop thinking about how there is a really good chance I'll never experience that. Ever.

So now what? Do I keep fighting, knowing I will never ever win the war..or do I just accept it for what it is, and stop trying? Stopping the meds, and the doctors, and the trying. Just accepting the fact that what I thought I was put on this Earth for isn't exactly right. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a Mom, though my heart tells me different. But do I keep going through this heartbreak? Or do I give up now... and save my tears, and start to heal my heart again? Healing it won't ever fill that hole, though.

But it seems like everything is a catch 22. Unlimited IUIs, but injections aren't covered. Meds work, but I have to pay for them. Lose weight, but it still doesn't work. Put myself through hell for absolutely nothing. No progress. Not even the hope of it working.

Sadly enough, I can now admit that I knew that IUI in June wasn't going to work. I just knew it. And Jeff asked me how, and I said I know my body..and I just knew it wasn't going to work. The hope that it may, and it may take me by surprise. That I actually might see that plus sign on the test. That I'm finally at the next step and happy. But I knew it. And knowing that it was our first and last chance didn't really help either.

My heart feels so heavy. My head hurts. My eyes want to close. I want to sleep for days and days in bed, cut off from the world. Not wanting to see anyone, or talk to anyone. I just want to sleep. I feel like there's no better way to waste my days away. Because there's no reason to attempt to enjoy something when I know I just won't.

I don't want to smile anymore. I don't want to fake it. I don't want to be around people who are pregnant or talking about babies. I don't want to be around people, period. I don't want to deal with the outside world, and knowing I'll never be happy in it.

I never expected to be this depressed. This upset. This pathetic. To sit here, in the dark, at 10:30 at night, alone. Just complaining. Wondering. Turning so pessimistic.

"Well this is your last option..."

Why? Why does it have to end here? I've been busting my ass to lose weight. For what? Nothing. To gain what I've lost back. To struggle for a dream that just pulls farther and farther away from me every damn minute.

Before I got on here, I went off on Jeff. He tells me that he's ready, but he doesn't mind if it happens down the road, not now. I just went off. About how he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand.. I'm not asking to be pregnant tomorrow. I'm saying I want to try. It's going to take a long time. I know it. 3+ years of trying.. and I'm just over it all. And he's sitting there.. in the dark.

Half of me wants to apologize. The other says, screw it. Let it sink in. Let him realize it. Let him try to understand it.

But all in all, the one person I'm fighting is myself. Not Jeff. Not my doctors. I'm fighting with myself. With feeling this way, and being like this. And giving up. But then again, I gave up the fight with everything. Why fight for something you'll never have? I knew I was going to have Jeff as my husband. So I fought. With everything in me. Having a baby? I don't know if it'll ever happen, so what's the point in trying anymore?

I can't mend my heart anymore. And I think it's about had enough. My eyes are hurting me constantly by being so damn emotional. Crying over every little thing. My head hurts from crying. It hurts from the headaches. My heart hurts. I feel heavy and a million pounds on my shoulders. I can't do this anymore.

And no, I do not want anyone to come onto my profile and tell me they understand. I know you do to an extent, but please don't tell me. And don't tell me that a break may be just what we need. Don't tell me to relax and it'll happen. And don't tell me that it'll all be okay. I just don't want to hear it anymore. I know that sounds selfish and horrible of me, but it's the truth. I'm tired of it. Of it all. Of the bullshit. Of the same old thing being said to me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to strangle the next person who tells me to relax. I'm just tired.

So who knows what the next step is. Who knows what's going to happen. But all I know is that I'm not fighting anymore. I'm just making myself weaker, and I don't know how long it's going to take me to be stronger. I'm just.. done.

My first "One Lovely Blog" award!
Thanks Megan!! http://megansroad.blogspot.com/ That made me smile..so yay!

So I have no idea wtf is going on with my body. I wake up again today to dry blood on the TP, just when I wipe, and it's gone. I don't know if it's the weight I've lost or what..but ugh.. I would love to know what is going on!!

Other than that.. Jeff closed his finger in the truck door yesterday.. went to the ER .. he ended up getting 2 stitches.. so I've been helping him and doing whatever. Poor baby.

Alright... well I gotta go make lunch for him since I said I would lol. I'll be back later!

Thanks again, Megan!
I'll pass it on as soon as I have the time!!!

Hey all. Happy August (already..geez).

Camping trip was awesome..minus the tree falling down lol.. but that's a long story that I don't feel like posting right now. Other than that.. doing good.

Had a little bleeding when I wiped Thursday night like AF was coming.. wore a pad to bed.. and nothing. So I don't know what that was all about.

But I'm not worried. Now it's back to reality.. gotta get laundry done. Just saying hi. I'll write more laters.<3

oxo.