Rock + Hard Place = ?....

Right in the middle? Yep. That would be me.

And I cannot tell you how mother freaking tired I am of being there. Especially during the holidays. Funny thing is, I realized this last week.

Warning : You may not like this post. Especially if you're looking to smile. You won't. Read on if you wish..

I have realized that I am completely 100% alone. True story. Think about it : half of my friends have kids and/or are pregnant. The other half? Partying like hell and not worrying about it.

Me?

I'm in the middle. 24 years old - young enough to still party with the best of them, but no desire to; old enough to be a mommy, and obviously, I'm not even close.

So tell me... how am I supposed to relate? How am I supposed to be happy? I seriously cannot take this anymore. And I'm starting to hate my most favorite time of the year. That's how bad it's getting to me. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. UGH.

I'm so over this. I'm over feeling this way. I'm over people patronizing me. I'm over having no relationship with my husband because I'm either frustrated beyond belief, or pretty damn depressed. I'm over it all.

Someone needs to take that rock... and hit me hard.. or just let me crawl under it. I'm serious.

RIP SC. I'll miss you.

SoulCysters was pretty much a lifesaver for me. That site, and the women I met off of it taught me so much about something I didn't even know existed. It was so nice to find people who could relate to the heart-wrenching pain of infertility. It was nice to know I was never alone, and that I always had somewhere to turn. It was nice to know I could ask any question, and it wouldn't be TMI. I loved giving advice, and receiving it. I loved how I would go into my dr's office and ask questions I'm sure they don't get that often, because I knew more than they thought I did about everything.

SoulCysters was a big part of my life. :( It gave me the comfort I needed when I couldn't get it anywhere around me. It gave me hope when I knew all was lost. It gave me determination to get back up and fight whenever this hell knocked me down (which was A LOT, I might add..).

Now moving on to the frustration of the person who was supposed to be in charge of the site... I really find it messed up, of all of the sites you ran, this one crashed like it did, and in more ways than one. A lot of women (and men!!) relied on this site to get answers, to find similarity and love. I know every single woman on there made at least one friend. We loved SC. So much. And to know it didn't get the care it needed, and with no warning, or notification, is REALLY messed up, and otherwise unprofessional. I know you had a lot of your plate, but you could've asked someone else to take it over. You didn't have to put that much on your plate. And what really gets me, is the fact that I can't tell you how many people that I know of who attempted to contact you several times, without a response. I mean, you could've replied to a few and explained briefly what happened, instead of leaving thousands of us in the cold wondering wtf happened. But enjoy yourself knowing that your FitCysters site is happily running with you even on it as much as you are. Thanks for that. Really appreciate it.

In conclusion, I just want to say that I have met some incredible women on that site, and I hope that the site crashing doesn't mean I won't hear from you all. I know some of you are on my facebook, which is great. Good luck with everything to you all. May your dreams come true, and may you find it deep down to keep fighting. I love all of my cysters...website or not.

oxoxo.

November 19th, please be good to me...

That's the magical date...

Here I thought the insurance company was served October 19th, because I received the copy of what was being served. However, while the papers were the copy, it was just what the lawyer wanted me to have to show me exactly what was being served.

I called last week, and the lawyer told me he was going to call the sheriff's office to check for a status update... he called me back 2 days later letting me know that the papers were served November 19th (yay!).

But I was confused.. my voicemail and answering machine messages were different, so I just called him. He said we can't do anything until a week after Christmas, since it takes 35 days (like I said before.. I was right on that at least..) for them to contest. So we'll see. He said we want them to respond, so we know someone over there is responding, and we'll probably go for a court mediation hearing. If they don't respond, we have to file something else with the court, with the risk of them vacating the serve and us going back to basically square one. So we'll see. 35 days from November 19th...is December 23rd. So they basically have until next week more or less.

Fingers still crossed. I'm hoping to have a shot to becoming a mommy after the new year.. *sighs*

A Letter to My Sister.

When I was little, I never thought of having a sister. I was 5. Who thinks that? But when Mommy told me that I was going to be a big sister, I didn't know then that my life would change drastically. I was the only child. I was Daddy's little girl, and all eyes were on me. For 6 years, Mom and Dad were mine. Then you were born. I remember when Mom went into labor with you. She woke me up first, telling me to wake Daddy up. From there, it was just a fast moving situation. Next thing I knew, I was watching the Disney Channel in Aunt Doreen's living room at the Somers Point house. Then Poppy and Grandmom picked me up, and I remember fighting with Poppy saying I wanted to go to school, because I was afraid of getting in trouble. They kept telling me "no, your little sister was born today. It's a very special day. You can miss school." They took me to breakfast on Bay Ave, and waited to hear an update from Dad about you and Mom. I slept over Poppy and Grandmom's for two days. The second day, Daddy picked me up and brought me to the hospital to see Mom. I walked in and Mom was holding you. Daddy placed me in the chair across from Mom's bed and he put you in my arms. You looked at me, and I did nothing but smile. I was a big sister. That was the day I knew my life wouldn't just be Heather. It was Heather .. big sister. After Mom and Dad brought you home, I remember always wanting to help out to take care of you. I was so proud that I had a baby sister. We were close. I was always making you laugh. You were my baby. That's what I always thought. As you started crawling, and walking... you became more fun. You moved around. We could play more. We were able to do more things. It was great. We were inseperable.

As we got older, I started to not want to hang out with you. I was becoming a teenager, and it wasn't cool to hang out with your younger siblings. So we did what all other siblings do.. fought beyond belief. For so long, it seemed. We grew apart. I had my group of friends, and I was doing a lot more. And we couldn't stay in the same room for more than 5 minutes without fighting. Then David came along, and things changed even more. Forward a few more years down the road, and I moved out. We became close again. You were a teenager, and I was the experienced ex-teenager turned adult. You were starting to come to me for advice. We talk everyday. And it wasn't until then I realized, we were always best friends. That no matter what, we always found eachother. Even if we had a huge fight, we'd always find each other for love and support. You are my very best friend. My longest best friend. And now.. 18 years later, I can't believe it. My baby sister will officially be an adult. From that chubby cheeked little girl who had one of the cutest laughs. The one who didn't care if I put a huge pair of sunglasses on her. To this amazing young woman. With such confidence and pride. And a strength beyond anyone's imagination. I'm in absolute awe. To witness 18 years of your life, and to be such a great part of it is such an honor. You have made me so proud in your accomplishments, and sometimes following my steps. I am definitely, absolutely the luckiest big sister in the world. I take that title very seriously. And nothing makes me happier than to say, "Yep.. that's my sister." You are unbelievably awesome, Lauren. And always, we are sisters by blood, but definitely, definitely best friends by fate. I never thought after all of those fights that we would come out walking hand in hand. But I am very happy that it became the end result. And we will walk hand in hand for the rest of our lives, no matter what. I will always catch you when you fall, and I will always dry your tears. I'm the ear that will listen to whatever it is you have to say, and your shoulder to lean on when you need to let go for a minute. I'm your number one fan cheering you on the loudest through your goals and accomplishments. I'm your wall when you need protection. And I'm your heart when you need more love. You're the best little sister anyone could have ever asked for, and I am extremely blessed to know that you're mine. You're all mine. No one will have you as a little sister. And I wouldn't ever want to share that with anyone else. I love you so much, Sissy. Happy 18th Birthday. I hope it's amazing. Just like you.

Love you Always and Always,
Sissy.

You just got SERVED!

Yes.. you read correctly! Finally, after weeks of waiting for an update, the on again, off again hate for my mailman became a feeling of gratefulness, as he put something in my mailbox, I thought I wouldn't be seeing for a while : a letter from my lawyer. I, of course, was naturally going through the mail.. this bill, that statement, and 2 magazines later, and there it was.. hiding.. I got inside, threw the rest of the crap..err..mail on the couch and tore into that envelope like it was full of a million dollars. And my lovely brown eyes read it.. my hands touched it; my copy of the papers from the Superior Court.. the papers they served my insurance company! I felt weak at the knees. Tears came to the surface and streamed down my face for a few minutes.. and the huge sigh of relief came over me. This is reality. This isn't a dream. This is... amazing.

And this came after a few days of constantly calling the lawyer (which I feel horrible for.. my freaking impatience.. it's my weakness!) and not getting an answer, or a call back after I left (countless) messages. I went from being like "okay, he's on vacation.." to .. "okay, now he's freaking ignoring me..wtf.." to "omg.. seriously.. I hope he's okay since he never goes this long without responding back to me.." all in a course of like 3 days. But I got the letter, so I'm guessing he's okay. And I called him today, of course (would you expect anything less from me?? I mean, really..) and he didn't answer.. again. So I left a message apologizing about 20 times for calling him so much, and asked the question I had on my mind..and thanked him about 15 times for mailing me a copy of the letter. I hope to hear something from him soon.

The insurance company has 35 days to respond, and I think that was from October 19th. So I give it to the end of November at the latest for them. I'm not really expecting it to happen, but I'm hoping I'll be headed up to the Poconos this Christmas with my injections in tow! :)

Amazing how a simple letter could bring so many emotions and tears to my eyes. :)

Just think .. reacting to a letter this way.. how will I react when I eventually find out that I'm pregnant?! HAH.

oxoxoxo.

Happy Autumn..and October..and finally fall-ish weather! =)

I finally wake up..and it's not raining, or muggy. It's finally a gorgeous, sunny, cool day. One that screams autumn. Yay. :) And I'm actually off. So double yay for that.

As for the TTC stuff - my impatience got the best of me last week, and I ended up breaking down and calling the lawyer. Of course, there was a push from my big sister. :) I was completely expecting for him to pick up the phone and for him to tell me that we're still waiting to hear responses. But he took me by surprise when he said that he was actually getting ready to send out the summons. The court got the petition and responded. The lawyer said he would mail out the summons by the end of the day, and that was last Tuesday. So we just have to wait for the sheriff to serve the papers to the insurance company, and we'll be on our way. I was so happy to hear we made it one step closer, that when I hung up the phone, I started crying.

It's just so.. surreal that we've gotten this far. Everything in this aspect of my life has taken a total turn for the worse, and nothing has ever lasted this much to be so good. I'm still waiting for something to screw up. And it's sad that that's my mindset, but I can't help it. I mean, year after year, cycle after cycle, you start to expect the worse. I still have my head up, and I'm still optimistic, but I'm staying completely grounded. I hope I can call him at the end of the month, or even get a phone from him first with another update. We shall see.

Alright.. back to making dinner. :) Til next time...or when I get the chance to add to this!

(3 hours later...)

Haha.. and I'm back to finish my post. Let's see.. where to continue..

Job front - I'd hate to say it, but it's definitely getting old. Horrible, right? I've been there for 2 months, and I pretty much dread the days I have to work. I think it's because of all of the unnecessary high school bs and drama. From even the pharmacist (well, one of them) herself! It's .. "oh I know she was talking about me" and "no one ever gave me anything.." or "no one ever said that to me" or my favorite "I have like 6 things going on at once and I don't need this". First off, let me just say this.. if you hate the job that much, quit. Seriously. If you can't handle doing 6 different things all at once, then you shouldn't be RX manager. Just saying. And I also think, if the person who just started there, and is training, has a question, you shouldn't huff and puff or make her feel 2 inches big! You seriously need to think before you speak. And I don't think she likes how I favor the other pharmacist.. who helps me.. is in a good mood regardless.. and will answer questions with no problem. And the RX manager CONSTANTLY talks shit on her. I'm over it. A pharmacy full of nothing but girls. Not even women. Pathetic. Thankfully, tomorrow, I'll be with the one I like. Hah.

Anyways... it looks like Jeff and I may be making our way to Florida next year; to finally go to Disney World. It'll be my first time ever. Jeff has been there before..when he was a baby, and I don't think that counts if you can't remember.. so we'll say it's his first time too lol. I know we've said we would go years prior, and have even tried saving up to go, but failed to do so every time. But my "big sister" is going with her family next year, and they were talking to us about it..and we would only have to put like $200 down for a deposit, which is awesome. So we're hoping to do it. Jeff is looking at vacation weeks for when he can take off, and is actually scheduled to pick his weeks on Friday. Fingers are crossed that he gets the weeks that we were looking at. We shall see. Now, with all of this lawyer stuff going on, and hopefully ending by the end of the year, I'm hoping to immediately start cycles and treatment again. Which means, there is a possibility that I could be pregnant going to Florida. And secretly (well not so much since I'm posting it on here lol), I would love to be pregnant and walking around Disney. That would be amazing. Either way, I'm excited because I've never been.. and next year will be 5 years that Jeff and I will be married, and we're renewing our vows in May. So going next year will be the honeymoon we never got originally. I'm hoping it works out. We'll see. :)

Alright.. enough of my babbling. Yep, I'm done. Until the next post, of course. :) Have a good night, kids.

Time for an update? I think so... :)

Hello my fellow blogging buddies! I know I haven't really blogged in a little bit, so I decided to take the time I have now to do so. I'm bored and have no one to talk to.. so I'm just going to take advantage and blab in my blog a little bit. Ready? Here we go. :)

I'm very proud of myself. I know, way to start off my paragraph, right? Hah. But I really am. All of the pregnant women and new mommies surround me, and I'm .. hehe.. ready?.... I'm PERFECTLY OKAY! :) Woo! I'm happy that jealousy and being upset is a thing of my past. Of course, I look at babies and am like.. omg.. how cute! I can't wait! But that's it. I turn back around and go back to whatever it is I am doing. I really never thought I would get to that point again for a very long time. So go me. Yay. :)

I signed a petition last Tuesday for court. I got the copy of it today, and I am very pleased with what it contains. And I know it was sent to the courts because it was literally a copy of what they received, and it was sent out on the 20th. So I guess we're just waiting to see what happens. I really hope it doesn't take too long from here on out. But I feel so much better with the weight lifted off my shoulders. It's like someone came right up to me and said "you know what, you've had enough.. let me take this for a while.. " and just walked away with all of the stress of this crap. It feels good to know it's a phone call away for an answer rather than me getting frustrated trying to find one. The lawyer is trying to fast track all of this, especially because it's pretty much cut and dry. The insurance company basically breached the contract, and they need to correct it. The lawyer said some cases could take between 90 and 360 days. I don't want to wait an entire year, and neither does the lawyer. He knows that this is something you have to live with for a very long time, and he knows I want to get started on my treatments asap. It's so awesome having a lawyer who has been in my shoes in a way. He and his wife had infertility issues. I mean it sucks we have that in common, but it's got its upside because it hits him personally too, which makes him what to strive to get it done as quickly as possible.

I think I have to wait a few weeks, then I'll call him to see if there's any update. Fingers crossed that this keeps going as quickly as it has. We'll see.

On the job front.. works been going well. Though I've run into a little obstacle. My fingerprinting still hasn't been paid for. It's been too long, and they're giving me until the end of the week to get it done. Problem is, I don't have the money to do it because evidently, it's going to come out of my pocket. I just got done paying a decent chunk of change to something else. So who knows whats going to happen. It looks like I may not be working until I get it done, which won't happen until at least next Friday, after Jeff gets paid. Completely sucks but it's out of my control. We'll see I guess.

Alright, enough of my blabbing. Phillies are on, so I'll be absorbed in that for a while. Hehe. Til next time. :)

New layout thanks to April Showers/A Blog to Brag About! :)

Just wanted to drop a line and let you all know that I got my layout from April Showers/A Blog to Brag About! I got my previous layout from April Showers.. and have been thinking for a little that I needed an upgrade. She is celebrating her 2 years in Professional blogging... so grab the freebies. She partnered up with A Blog to Brag About and they did such cute layouts! You'll love them! So what are YOU waiting for? :)

Impatience is my worst enemy. (jealousy, too.)

I know I was pretty determined, and optimistic about everything. However, I'm starting to fall back into my (what I like to call..) blahhhhh stage. I don't want to be here, yet I am. Ugh.

I talked to the lawyer Monday morning, and he told me that it could now take up to 90 days for things to happen. I'm happy about that, in the way that we all know when you're dealing with lawyers and all of the legal crap, it tends to take forever. I'm also sort of annoyed. I mean, I've been doing this for almost 4 years now. The whole waiting thing is just getting freaking frustrating. Everyone else around me is either pregnant, tending to their babies, or making their way closer to becoming parents-to-be. Me? I'm stuck in the mud while everyone races in front of me. Like I took a wrong turn in the woods. I just want to move forward. I want to be at the RE's office every other day doing this. I want him to order my meds and start working with us to get the road started again.

I think it's more frustrating because I went to see him Thursday and he did bloodwork and an u/s....and it felt normal. I did that every other day for 2 months straight last year. He told me start Provera, so I did. (I just finished last night) But for what? We can't order my meds or anything. So here I am, bringing AF on for nothing. And that's just so...#$%^&*%#$!!!

Other than that, things like today... make me so ... I don't even know what. Jealous. Stuck. Happy but upset. I went to my best friend's today to go walking with her. We took her 6 year old daughter and her 17 month old daughter with us. When we got back to her house, we had a snack, then went out to Target. Just seeing the way she interacts with her kids makes me want it that much more. Her 6 year old constantly tells her that she loves her and she's the best mom ever. Like she said today that if there was a day that a holiday wasn't declared, she would call it best mom ever day just for her mommy. It melts your heart, normally. And it did for me, to a point. The rest of it was like, why don't I have this? Why do I have to wait so long to get a smile, a kiss, or a hug from my child? I see it, and it just makes me ridiculously jealous. She's my best friend. I love her kids so much. And I hate that it makes me feel like that. And I can't tell her because I'll feel horrible for making her feel bad about loving her girls, and showing them how to love. I can't tell her. I just want that.

I'm a fighter. I've fought for pretty much everything in my life. This freaking war is ridiculous. I just want to get it started again. I won't mind it so much if another IUI fails, because I know I can move to the next. Stopping and going is the worst thing ever. I just want to keep going. It's been a year, and I haven't been able to do anything. It just sucks knowing I have to wait even longer, and even though we're pretty sure we got this case in the bag, we're not 100% on knowing if we're going to win. You never know. I hate being in limbo. :( :(

It's MY turn!

I think this might finally be our break I've been so desperate for for soo long! I got in touch with the lawyer, and since the insurance company isn't cooperating, we're taking this to the court. We're going to officially be in a lawsuit. I have an appointment with Dr. Packin Thursday morning. The lawyer wants a letter stating what treatments they want me to do so he can show the judge. So we'll see. I'm nervous, excited and anxious to just get things done. Please let this be my turn.

and who said you can't feel so alone in a world full of people?

thank goodness I have my husband.

and a new job to keep me occupied. because at this point... that's all that's keeping me going.

yeah, it's getting to me again. more than ever.

thank you, 2010. for really sticking it to me.

I got the job!!! :)

It's been a while. But I guess it's because there's so much going on. And not really good.

I know I usually write about the infertility thing, but there are more important things going on in my life right now. And for once, I'm pretty happy I'm not pregnant right now. There's no way I could bring a baby into all of this chaos and hell.

The lawyer update : Haven't heard anything yet. Called him last Wednesday, and he told me to give him a week. So we'll see. Heh.

The job update : Same old thing. I've been putting myself out there like crazy, and nothing yet. But I did have an interview last Monday with a future store owner. She wants to open up a high end gift boutique in Cherry Hill. She was very impressed with my resume and experience in retail. And it was all great, until I told her that I have tattoos, and one is pretty visible, along with my nose piercing, though its very small. I didn't have it in, because I forgot to put it back in earlier that morning. As soon as I told her, she pulled back like I was some sort of monster. She then proceeded to tell me that Cherry Hill customers are very demanding, and that she's planning on opening a high end store, and wants her employees to be refined, and get this...clean. THANK GOODNESS I was wearing sunglasses (we had the interview outside of a Starbucks.. I've should've known. HAH.) because the freaking look I had for her.. she wouldn't have liked. But I guess I should've known since she was 5-10 minutes late, and as I was dressed PROFESSIONALLY for an interview, she shows up in a pink baby tee, black capri pants, and these mary jane-ish shoes. And was more worried about the pen that inked all over her hands. Prissy snob. She is the reason why Cherry Hill gets the rep that they do. So I'm not holding my breath at all. She said it would take 2-3 weeks to make her decision. Hah.. so moving on. A friend of mine works at CVS and passed my application along to a store that is looking for people. I called there, and the head pharmacist was waiting for the store manager to pull my application. And she asked for all possible phone numbers she could reach me at, so I'm hoping to get a phone call tomorrow. We really need it........

We found out on Thursday that there are no more programs that our mortgage company can put us through to help us, and being that I thought my unemployment benefits weren't being extended anymore (since the government loves to screw us over.. I don't say this often, but thank goodness for a president who's looking out for the little people). So we're basically losing our house. I was completely devastated, as expected. I went through my crying moments, and I packed 5 boxes of stuff in less than 3 hours. Well today was a different story. I woke up with this sense of EFF you. I needed to go through my depressing crying stage. Now, I'm more determined than ever. I refuse to be defeated. Jeff called the guy we talked to Thursday, and finally broke his silence and told him probably what he didn't want to hear. We're ready to fight this. And why should we be scared into things? We now know more than we did, and there is no way we're going into this clueless. We will not be taken advantage of. We've fought the world before, and yes, this is a bigger world we're going up against, but we'll still fight it to hell.

Life sucks. But I won't let it defeat me.

(hope I have something good to write next time!)

oxoxoxoxo.

I'm not too sure if I like this new onset of feelings. I don't know if it's because it's been so long since we started TTC, or if pretty much every woman I know is enjoying pregnancy or motherhood.

I have this feeling, or dream, I don't really know. It's like having a dream that feels so real. I can close my eyes and feel me holding a baby. I can feel the baby breathing. Moving. I can see the baby in my arms. I can hear the cooing. I can smell the baby smell.

But then I have the feeling that it's really far away from happening for us. Or that I may never know those 9 months.

I don't know what's going on. I mean, I can fully picture seeing baby stuff around the house. But it just doesn't feel like it's going to happen soon. It doesn't seem like it will. I mean, I know it's just a feeling. And I know I still have a little bit until I figure out what's going on with the lawyer. I don't know. I just hope it goes away soon.

*sighs*

MY CHART IS IN!

WOOOOOOOO!!

I'm so happy right now! I thought it was going to take forever to get here, but it didn't!! It actually got here early!

I already faxed the copy of my prescription records over to the lawyer, and tomorrow, I'm heading to Haddonfield to drop the copy of the chart off!

I'm so ridiculously excited... omg.

I know I'm probably really ridiculous right about now, and who knows how long it's going to take the lawyer, or if he can even really do anything.. but I'm just happy that something FINALLY went my way.

Ahhhh...

:)

Day 1,428. Still no baby. Not even close, actually.

Yes, that is the ACTUAL number of days that we have been trying. I just did the math. Haha, I'm pathetic, I know.

However, it's closer than we were. And now learning more things about what needs to be done, and such.. I feel that we are getting closer to becoming parents.

I've been doing pretty good. I'm not so depressed anymore, though I have my moments of weakness (who doesnt?). I revived myself on SC, taken people off of my hide list.. and I don't get that pit in my stomach when I walk into a store. Though, Sunday, when we went to IKEA, it seemed like EVERYONE under the age of freaking 21 was pregnant. Yeah.. I was like.. uhhh.. okay. But anyways...

I'm proud of myself. Though I had to add someone else to my hide list on FB tonight. I don't understand how you go from being bummed that you're pregnant to being excited. Just make up your damn mind. But I just really didn't need to see it. So she's on my hide list. I honestly don't even know why I'm friends with her on Facebook since we never talk or hang out or anything. But oh well.

I have to mail out the letter that I had to write to the drs office for my chart tomorrow. I'm hoping that they get it asap and start working on my chart so I can pick it up next week. I really wish I was in my own 2ww, but with this, I guess I have to be patient. Though we all know when things look up for me, I get impatient trying to see the outcome of it. I really hope the lawyer can work his magic, and things work out for the best. I'm really tired of working so hard at things for them to just backfire in my face in the end.

Of course, it's June, and I can't get last year out of my head. This time last year, we were going through the cycle and getting ready for the insemination. I was taking my injections and getting b/w and u/s every other day. It's difficult to think about because the IUI failed. And I remember how devastated I was. But a year later, and I'm proud of myself for getting through it. I'm proud of my husband and I getting through it together. We know it's going to happen, but at the same time, we know we need medical assistance. I'm happy that I found more things to attempt, and I'm happy that I'm fighting this mandate/insurance battle. I don't think it's very fair that NJTransit just decided to opt out of something that could very well help us get to where we want to be. It's just frustrating because I feel completely discriminated against, and I don't find it right at all that they can cover abortion with no problems. But for a hope, a dream, a chance of becoming parents.. it's so difficult and expensive.

Ahhhh...I don't know. I guess the waiting game is never over in the life of infertility.

oxoxoxo.

Okay..so lawyer consultation went well.

He seems very interested, as did Marianne. So we'll see how it goes. I have to work on sending a letter to SJF to get my chart, and who knows how long that's going to take. I'm just hoping the optimism stays in the air... and that something good comes out of it all. Because at this point, it's pretty much hit rock bottom.

It's once again a waiting game.. I just wish it was my 2ww lmao.

Lawyer consultation in t-minus 47 minutes.

I dont think I've ever been this nervous.. even seeing my RE for a follicle scan.

Ugh.

Okay. So I'm out of my state of depression, for now.

The upside is.. the lawyer finally got back to us, and Jeff explained things to her a little bit. He said that she seems very interested about it, and that she's going to look into things further and start emailing. That was last Wednesday night. I know she said she needed a few days to work on it, so I'm hoping soon we'll hear something from her.

Other than that, Jeff and I are doing better. I actually left for a few days. I think we needed some time apart, and so far, it's helped. I know its not going to get a lot better overnight, but it's good enough for now.

So I guess we'll see what happens from here. I'm hoping that this whole lawyer thing doesn't take forever.

**Update : the lawyer just called me back... she referred me to a lawyer who specializes in infertility issues.. I see him next Tuesday at 3pm. Here's to hoping and wishing.. **

I seriously feel like I'm in my own state of depression.

And I can't stand it. I was doing so good. Until I found out that someone else was pregnant. How many is that now? Oh yeah..TWENTY. 2-0. I was doing good. Really good. I have been going to the gym, and my heart didn't hurt anymore going into stores and such. Then boom... like an explosion on my face. What's worse- the girl who's pregnant isn't even happy about it. It's like WTF?!

Since then, I've kinda made it a goal to see my dr again. Well, I can't see him until I pay off the bill. Okay, fine. BUT.. why go see him if he's only going to tell me the same thing.. we really can't do anything. Because my insurance doesn't cover infertility. So after more research, I find out it's not really the insurance company's fault... it's NJ Transit. I still do not understand how they are so above the law, that they can opt-out of the mandate. It's complete bullshit.

If I wasn't suffering enough... just keep kicking my ass while I'm still down.

Called a lawyer last Thursday..still have not heard anything. And I'm starting to get really pissed off. I get that she's busy, but come on. Almost a week? You're kidding me right? UGH.

And to top it all off.. its now hitting my marriage harder than ever. Jeff and I aren't even really talking to eachother. All I want to do is stay in bed.. and I'm getting tired of talking to him about it when there's going to be no difference in anything. Its just... bad.

And I have no one to talk to...which is like the mother effing cherry on top.

I really feel like sleeping until my death. I don't understand how women who've been going through this for 5+ years can deal with it. 4 1/2 years.. and I cannot handle it anymore.

just when there's an ounce of hope...

it gets ripped out from under me..again.

So after contemplating this for months, and trying to move on and be okay... Jeff and I have come to the conclusion that having a baby really isnt going to work without medical assistance.

Last year, a few of my NJ thread girls on SC gave me links to a mandate in the state of New Jersey that says infertility has to be covered.

So yesterday, we called the insurance company to see if they're covered under the mandate....

They dont cover anything..at all. BUT.. its not their fault. Come to find out... its NJ Transit's fault. They decided to opt out of the mandate. How the hell they did it.. I have no idea.

Jeff called the insurance coordinator for Transit... rude and freaking annoying. That conversation lasted all of 30 seconds! They dont cover ANYTHING fertility... and there's no plan at all to cover anything.

I am fuming right now. Like beyond belief. So a guy who Jeff works with gave him a card to call his wife who's a lawyer. I'm hoping to get some kind of understanding on how they opted out of this crap.. and to see if there's anything I can do.

Here I was...basically shit talking the insurance company for the past 2-3 years... and it turns out.. it's actually NJT. But they are seriously messing with the wrong person. UGH.

Hello gorgeous weekend.

Hello Wildwood.

Ahhh.... loveeee this. :)

The downside? Its mother's day weekend... but I'm doing my best to enjoy myself! :)

you can't handle the truth... literally.

I would just like to say that if you ever start a conversation with me, or ask me questions...

EXPECT THE TRUTH.

I'm not going to sugar or candycoat ANYTHING to spare your feelings. Because I feel if I do, I'm only going to hurt you worse in the end.

If you don't like what I have to say.. then don't start the conversation. People should know this by now.

ESPECIALLY if I listened to you bitch for the last 5 months about how unhappy you were. Then how you wasted 9 months of your life. Then how many friends you've gotten back since then. Then "I still want to marry this man".

PLEASE.

Let me stop there. Why you ask? Because once I start, I won't stop. And it would turn into a SERIOUSLY LENGTHY entry. I'll save you the bullshit.

Anywayssss...

T-minus 2 days before we leave for Wildwood! I'm so excited! I've been waiting for this for so long now. I'm happy that my baby is on vacation this week.. but Wildwood is our tradition. Eeeek! I'm squealing with excitement!!

I'm getting my nails and hair done tomorrow. Yep. Pampering for meeeee. Can't wait for that either! :)

Alright.. sorry to cut this short, but hubby needs my help! Til next time! :)

oxoxoxo.

I miss you.

I can't believe it's been 9 years.

And it hits me the same as it did then.

I still remember the day God called you home... like it was yesterday. You had no more pain. No more suffering. You turned into my angel. And I didnt want to let go. I didn't want to say goodbye, but I knew I didn't have a choice.

I still feel you. I know you're there when I need you. I know that when I'm completely rock bottom, and my strength is completely gone, you pick me up off of the ground. I know you're there watching me make strides in my life.

You have to know life hasn't been the same ever since. I don't know how we keep going on. All I know is that you keep wanting us to. So we do. You're here. You're alive with us. The pictures and videos make it real. But I'll never dry my eyes. Because my heart still hurts. I still breathe hard and wish it never happened. But I'm not angry anymore. I know you're better off where you are. And that one day, we'll meet again.

I miss your laugh. I miss your hugs. I miss your crazy songs Grandmom used to yell at you for teaching us. I miss you coming to my softball games. I miss you scaring the hell out of me during Halloween. I miss you being Santa on Christmas. I miss your smile. I miss your kisses. I miss the sleepovers. And listening to the Phillies on AM radio while waiting for Grandmom to get off of work. I just miss you. More than anything in this world. There are no words to describe it. I think of you all of the time. Wondering if you're looking down... smiling on all of us. Keeping us protected and safe. And making sure that at the end of the day, we're grateful to have each other. I just have to think of it... I'm 9 years closer to seeing you again.

I love you, Poppy. So much. And I miss you like crazy. I'll see you soon. But until then.. keep everyone company. Make sure to watch over the Phillies with good old Harry. And I'll have hugs and kisses for you forever. <3333

RIP Francis (Frank) Shertel (aka Poppy)

3.1.36-4.28.01

You're proof that the Lord only takes the best.

Donations needed please!! :)

My sister and her friends are doing the American Cancer Society Relay For Life walk June 12-13th. I will be one of the chaperones. I'm posting to see if anyone would like to donate to the cause. It would be greatly, greatly appreciated. You can contact me for more details. Please consider making a donation. Even if it's a small amount, it'll make a big difference. You can also donate to my sister's team online!! http://main.acsevents.org/goto/stormtroopers

Thank you in advance!!

Heather
Kotazbabiigurl143@gmail.com

I figured it all out....wooooo!

yes, I am that freaking awesome. :)

(stay tuned for the update. it'll happen in about a month or so.. woo)

I feel the need to blog.. lol.

About what? I have no idea. Ehh... randomness, this is me. :)

I quit Firefigher 1. I've gotten a lot of criticism over it, but people need to realize it was my decision. It was affecting a lot of things in my life, and I feel that there are more important things I have to deal with and take care of than becoming a firefighter. I know the consequences. But to me, it's something I needed to do. Yes, I know I was close to graduating (May 25th, and I just quit last week...), but like I said..there are more important things that I need to take care of. I just hope I didn't disappoint my family as much as I think I did. We'll see.

I absolutely LOVE this weather. I love Winter. But I've had enough of the snow. But the warm (NOT hot lol) days and cooler nights...longer days.... it's ... ahhh. I love it. I love having the windows open.. and flip flops on. It needs to stay like this for a while.. and hopefully not get too hot too soon.

Its official... the start of car show season. And I'm so excited. We went to one yesterday, and Jeff got Best Truck of the show. I'm so proud of him. :) We had a lot of fun.. and I know it's not about winning. But that's definitely a plus. We have one to go to this upcoming Sunday.. and it should be fun. It's for breast cancer, so anything to have fun and donate to a great cause is always awesome. And I cant wait to make Lil M (my car hehehe) sexy for car shows. She'll show eventually.. gotta work on her a little more. :)

I miss my husband. So much. Especially now, since I'm in the middle of watching the movie we saw the day we got together. He's now working nights once again.. and it sucks. I know he needs to work, since I still haven't found a job (which pisses me off beyond belief in itself), but it just sucks not really seeing him too much. And eating dinner by myself. Thank goodness I have him on the weekends though. :)

Our anniversary is in a little over a month. I can't believe we'll be married 4 years already. We've been together 8 years. Seems like yesterday that we were engaged. But I wouldn't have my life any other way. He's my best friend. And I love him more than I could ever put into words. I am definitely one of the luckiest people in the world, no question about it. <3.

T minus 25 days until Wildwood. :) And even shorter for Jeff going on vacation. Yay! I love the month of May lol.

Okay, enough blogging for me right now. Until next time. :)

oxoxoxoxo.

PHILLIESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

ahhh.. my year just got better. <3333333

I think some people need to take a step back and realize how freaking lucky they are.

I think some people need to mind their own damn business and not jump to conclusions.

I think some people need to grow the eff up and move on.

oh. and ps. the number is now up to 17. fucking joy.

my new babygirlll :) :) :)

zoom zoom! :) my new babyyy g! :)

Please God.

Give me the strength to get through today.

And the memory I need to pass my midterms.

And the energy to keep my eyes open until I can get home again to pass out on my bed.

Thank you.

Amen.

(and fingers crossed.)

okay....

so I neeeeeeeeeeeed a new layout! LOL.

that is all. :)

loveeeeeeee :)

I love my husband. <3

I love my best friendssss. <3

I love my new phone. <3

I love my motivation. <3

I love living drama-free. <3

I love my supportive, awesome family. <3

I love my new clothes. <3

I love my princess (my new Ed Hardy bag.. yay). <3

I love the sun staying out a little longer every night. <3

I love my doggie Bandit. <3

I love my kitty cat Newt. <3

I love my fishies Preston, Steve, and Creamsicle, and my shrimp, Sammy. <3

I love my smile. And my eyes.<3

I love laughing at myself.<3

I love music.<3

Basically...

I love my lifeeeeeeeee. <3

:)

16. Are you effing kidding me?!

Here we go...

WARNING : Pregnancy rant..if you feel like you're gonna get offended.. stop reading now. You've been warned.

16.

Yep. 2009 it was 10.

Mother effing 16 women who are pregnant that I know. I am NOT having a good effing day. AT ALL.

I am over it. I'm so tired of getting shitted on.

"oh don't worry..you'll catch a break"

HELLO!!? ARE YOU ON THE SAME EFFING PLANET AS ME?!

Almost 4 years. Almost 6 without protection. And nothing.

And you wonder why I've been ignoring you for 2 1/2 months?! GET SOME COMMON SENSE AND REALIZE I DON'T WANT TO FREAKING TALK TO YOU! Why? Maybe it's because I had to tell you you were pregnant while I found out my chance was an ABSOLUTE failure.

85% of the women are ones with PCOS. Am I happy? In all honesty.. no I'm not. I'm tired of being happy. I get that you struggled. I GET IT. The fact that it gets so damn OLD constantly seeing women who haven't suffered nearly as long as me getting pregnant after a month of meds.. is what pisses me off. Beyond belief. So I'm sorry if I'm not happy when you announce your pregnancy. Sorry if I'm not congratulating you a million times over. But I'm not hiding it anymore. I'm not happy. At this point..I'd glady go to hell.. and would probably have a better time then dealing with all of this bullshit. I have 45% of my friends' statuses on hide on Facebook because I can't deal with seeing another thing about a damn baby or pregnancy. I don't care how much your baby may weigh. I don't care if you're getting sick. I don't care if you have to wait 3 weeks to see your baby. I DON'T CARE.

Do I sound like a bitch? Absolutely. But guess what? That's right. I DON'T CARE.

I have my good days..sure. I know blah blah.. it'll happen when it's meant to happen. Yeah, eff you. Hold on.. let me be pregnant.. and you're in my EXACT situation (in which NO ONE really knows what that is..because ..SHOCKER.. I don't post it all on here) and I'm CONSTANTLY bitching about my pregnancy or bragging that I get to go out and shop for this that and the other thing... how the hell would you feel? Yeah, that's what I thought.

This is my bad day. I'm allowed to have those after the bullshit I've endured. I realized today that I am a child-less mother. Which I should've realized years ago.

Oh, and I bet if you made it this far, you're thinking that this is just some pity party. Well, screw you. Like I've said plenty of times before.. it's MY blog. If you don't like it..bye bye now. I don't give a shit anymore. I really don't. I don't care what people think. And I'm not about to hide my feelings to make sure I don't offend anyone. To hell with that. I've done it enough. I'm done.

Ugh. I need a drink. A really big one. Hmph.

Snowy days are here again. :)

Ahhh, my blog. I've missed you dearly. I know I said that I would update, but I honestly haven't had the time. HOWEVER... hehe. With all of the pretty white stuff.. (around 2 1/2 feet..and another foot coming to us shortly), I seem to now have all the time in the world lol. So brace yourself, this may be a lengthy entry. I have to update on quite a bit. :)

2010. So far, so freaking good. A lot of things happened in January, and few were life changing. I started Firefighter 1 school. And all I can say is... whew. It's taking alot out of me. And it's definitely taking up alot of my time. Monday nights, Wednesday nights, and every other weekend IF we don't have a makeup weekend on the ones we're supposed to have off. So the downfall to all of this snow.. is that, yes, school is cancelled which is awesome.. for that time being... but you have to eventually make up the hours. And it sucks because the instructor has to plan the makeup days on the weekends we have off. Which means whatever plans I had...get thrown out the window. Because I can't miss weekend classes. Technically, with a Saturday and/or Sunday class..there are two classes each day - AM and PM. And if we're doing a makeup day on a weekend.. thats two classes.. I can't miss more than two. And I need to know what's going on for the test for the next class. So it's a definite catch 22, and one I didn't really sign up for. I was pretty excited to do it when we first started, but now.. I'm losing my momentum. I really have to step it up and at least get a little bit excited over it. That and they constantly stress the need for people to be in shape. Which worries me, because I am not AT ALL. I am working on it, but I know it's going to take longer than when we actually start gearing up and doing physical stuff. Ah well. It's over in May..and I'm hoping to come out of it with a certification in Firefighting. :)

Friends. A lot has changed for me in this department. In January, my ex-best friend Krystal contacted me via MySpace. Now, we were the absolute best of friends, until July of last year. We hit a HUGE bump, had a terrible fight, and ended our friendship overnight. She messaged me and asked how I was doing and such, and honestly, it was really good hearing from her. I have missed her alot. I've been alone since our friendship ended. I had no one to talk to (without hearing about pregnancy or kids..and it gets old when you have neither!) and the people I did have to talk to... constantly turned it around so I had to help them with their problems.. and listen to them bitch and complain about their pregnancies. PS - I no longer talk to those people. Sorry, but I can only take so much of listening to the HELL you have to go through while I sit here childless. kthanks. ANYWHO. So we got to talking more.. and we realized we never lost the closeness. We just had a 6-month blip in our friendship. A lot happened, and we both realized we needed eachother more than anything. Apologies from both sides shot off left and right.. and we've since left everything in the past. But not only did I get my best friend back.. but I got a bonus... my Twizzler.<3 Liz and I didn't like eachother much when we first met because we were both Krystal's best friends. Me, being the best friend longer thought that she was moving onto someone else and Liz was taking her away from me. Liz thought that I was pulling her back and trying to make it so that she wasn't friends with Krystal anymore. All a bunch of drama and crap. Well.. we have also moved on and we're so close, it's ridiculous! But I absolutely LOVE IT. I'm so happy to have Krystal back.. and even more to have Liz! They're both amazing, and I'm blessed beyond belief to have such awesome girlies back in my life. <33

TTC front : Nothing much going on there. I've taken myself off the BCPs early, because for the last half of January (thats right, 2 WEEKS), I was constantly spotting. It really annoyed me and I stopped them after I had my period. Well, stopping them wasn't the best idea. I brought on ANOTHER period within a week of stopping my first one. COMPLETELY SUCKED. Why? Because we were in the Poconos this weekend, and I had my period. I was not happy. I was in Shoprite on Friday (because I'm stupid and didn't realize everyone and their mother was out for the storm.. completely forgot) shopping for stuff for the Poconos.. and there I was.. in the middle of the pasta aisle.. on the phone with my dr explaining how I stopped my BCPs and I had my period again and I didn't want it. Did I get weird looks? Yes. But at this point.. after 3 1/2 years of crap... 17+ doctors (not including nurses) looking at my openly exposed cooter.. also while having AF.. you kinda just become immune to getting embarassed by it. Those people were lucky I didn't say any of that LOL but moving on. So she called in Provera at the pharmacy there..and I've been popping pills since Friday (x2). It let up..and when I thought I was in the clear, came back with a vengance. Yes.. AF was totally being a bitch. So as of right now.. I'm STILL wearing a diaper (gotta make some fun out of it since I've been wearing them since the freaking middle of January with the exception of maybe what...2 days) for precautionary measures. I can still see it when I go to the bathroom, but it is in fact disappearing. Jeff knows that I took myself off of the bcps, as well as knowing what happened with my period. I don't think it phases him anymore either since it's sat in the U/S room plenty of times with me lol. And we've decided.. when it happens, it happens. I'm not trying. We're not preventing. We just need a much needed break from the stress. I mean I still go crazy over the little baby stuff, and I still say I want a baby..but we both know.. in time. Though now.. not only my mother, but his mother jumped on board with saying we need to have a baby because she went shopping and couldn't believe all of the cute stuff! LOL.

Alrighty...this is pretty lengthy. I gotta get going anyways. My babes is out there working his little tush off to get the snow cleared away before we get another foot, so I'm going to see what I can make him for lunch.

Til next time, kiddies! <3

New layout for Valentine's Day...thanks to April Showers :)

It's so cute!!

I know I have to update, but I'll be back later!

You and I are well known enemies.

But I will win this battle...and every single one after that.

And when I finally declare victory, I'll love you again.

One battle down, and I'm gonna be left a little sore..

But remember this.. I love the pain. =)

A different type of future..

And it all starts Friday.

Thank goodness. Though I am ridiculously nervous and anxious, I'm excited to finally do something that'll keep my mind occupied. And it'll be like that for the next 5 months.

Am I hoping that in the process, miracles actually work for me and I get pregnant? Yep.

But I'm not going to be bummed if I don't get pregnant right away. Because being pregnant, well, it'll probably keep me from completing my goals. But if I do get pregnant, I'll sacrifice it. And I can always complete it later.

And it'll keep me busy enough so I don't have to constantly read about crap I don't want to. Internet with me.. it's a love-hate relationship.

Time to get back to the paperwork... fun fun.

Have you ever just felt tired?

I'm so tired of it all.

I'm tired of waiting and taking breaks.

I'm tired of years going by with no result whatsoever.

I'm so tired of being surrounded by pregnant women. No matter where I go, it's ridiculous.

I'm tired of those pregnant women complaining about being pregnant when they made such a big deal that they wouldn't.

I'm tired of every where I turn, one more gets added to the list.

I'm tired of people trying to tell me how I should think, say, and/or feel.

I'm tired of people thinking they know the whole story, and give me the WORST advice ever.

I'm seriously tired of all of it. No, I don't care that you're tired. I don't care that you are tired of morning sickness. No, I don't care if you cant sleep at night because you're getting kicked or you cant get comfortable. I'm tired of people blasting their facebooks with shit that the public does NOT need to know. I'm tired of constantly having to hit the hide button because I don't feel like hearing it/reading it anymore.

And no, I don't care if you take offense to this. If you do, then don't freaking read it. I have every single right to do this, since I've been trying for years for something that I feel every day moving further and further away from me. It's my blog, and I can post anything I want. And yeah, I get that people are excited, but there's a difference between excitement and taking it too damn far. Yes, I know I'm still young. Yes, I know I still have a chance. But I'm also effing tired of it hearing it. And I'm fully allowed to break down and freak out about it. It's not effing fair. And no matter what, I keep getting bombarded with it. But whatever. I needed to vent and did so. Thank goodness for my blog.