I seriously feel like I'm in my own state of depression.

And I can't stand it. I was doing so good. Until I found out that someone else was pregnant. How many is that now? Oh yeah..TWENTY. 2-0. I was doing good. Really good. I have been going to the gym, and my heart didn't hurt anymore going into stores and such. Then boom... like an explosion on my face. What's worse- the girl who's pregnant isn't even happy about it. It's like WTF?!

Since then, I've kinda made it a goal to see my dr again. Well, I can't see him until I pay off the bill. Okay, fine. BUT.. why go see him if he's only going to tell me the same thing.. we really can't do anything. Because my insurance doesn't cover infertility. So after more research, I find out it's not really the insurance company's fault... it's NJ Transit. I still do not understand how they are so above the law, that they can opt-out of the mandate. It's complete bullshit.

If I wasn't suffering enough... just keep kicking my ass while I'm still down.

Called a lawyer last Thursday..still have not heard anything. And I'm starting to get really pissed off. I get that she's busy, but come on. Almost a week? You're kidding me right? UGH.

And to top it all off.. its now hitting my marriage harder than ever. Jeff and I aren't even really talking to eachother. All I want to do is stay in bed.. and I'm getting tired of talking to him about it when there's going to be no difference in anything. Its just... bad.

And I have no one to talk to...which is like the mother effing cherry on top.

I really feel like sleeping until my death. I don't understand how women who've been going through this for 5+ years can deal with it. 4 1/2 years.. and I cannot handle it anymore.

just when there's an ounce of hope...

it gets ripped out from under me..again.

So after contemplating this for months, and trying to move on and be okay... Jeff and I have come to the conclusion that having a baby really isnt going to work without medical assistance.

Last year, a few of my NJ thread girls on SC gave me links to a mandate in the state of New Jersey that says infertility has to be covered.

So yesterday, we called the insurance company to see if they're covered under the mandate....

They dont cover anything..at all. BUT.. its not their fault. Come to find out... its NJ Transit's fault. They decided to opt out of the mandate. How the hell they did it.. I have no idea.

Jeff called the insurance coordinator for Transit... rude and freaking annoying. That conversation lasted all of 30 seconds! They dont cover ANYTHING fertility... and there's no plan at all to cover anything.

I am fuming right now. Like beyond belief. So a guy who Jeff works with gave him a card to call his wife who's a lawyer. I'm hoping to get some kind of understanding on how they opted out of this crap.. and to see if there's anything I can do.

Here I was...basically shit talking the insurance company for the past 2-3 years... and it turns out.. it's actually NJT. But they are seriously messing with the wrong person. UGH.

Hello gorgeous weekend.

Hello Wildwood.

Ahhh.... loveeee this. :)

The downside? Its mother's day weekend... but I'm doing my best to enjoy myself! :)

you can't handle the truth... literally.

I would just like to say that if you ever start a conversation with me, or ask me questions...

EXPECT THE TRUTH.

I'm not going to sugar or candycoat ANYTHING to spare your feelings. Because I feel if I do, I'm only going to hurt you worse in the end.

If you don't like what I have to say.. then don't start the conversation. People should know this by now.

ESPECIALLY if I listened to you bitch for the last 5 months about how unhappy you were. Then how you wasted 9 months of your life. Then how many friends you've gotten back since then. Then "I still want to marry this man".

PLEASE.

Let me stop there. Why you ask? Because once I start, I won't stop. And it would turn into a SERIOUSLY LENGTHY entry. I'll save you the bullshit.

Anywayssss...

T-minus 2 days before we leave for Wildwood! I'm so excited! I've been waiting for this for so long now. I'm happy that my baby is on vacation this week.. but Wildwood is our tradition. Eeeek! I'm squealing with excitement!!

I'm getting my nails and hair done tomorrow. Yep. Pampering for meeeee. Can't wait for that either! :)

Alright.. sorry to cut this short, but hubby needs my help! Til next time! :)

oxoxoxo.