Okay, so I've been avoiding my blog for a while now, and I feel sort of bad lol.

How was everyone's Christmas?

Mine..well.. it was interesting. And seriously eventful.

Christmas Eve, Jeff and I brought Bandit over to his parents since they were watching him while we went up to the Poconos..it was weird not seeing him Christmas morning. I felt bad leaving him. But he was such a good doggie, as usual.=)

Christmas morning was great. The most important was that Jeff got off for Christmas morning and was here with me. We opened our gifts, and I'm on mine right now. Yep, that's right. My honey bunny got me a mini HP, and I'm in love with it. I got him a netbook too, which he knew about, but couldn't open until Christmas morning. He also got me body lotion and shower gel from Bath and Body works (love love love that store! yumm!), a mouse for my computer, which I knew about since I picked it out a few days before..lol, and Ed Hardy shoes. Unfortunately, he got the wrong shoe size since he went with the size of my Uggs and their sizes run differently. We went to exchange them yesterday, but they didn't have my size. So boo on that. But they did give me a gift card, so when they have them.. I will be making my way back there to get a pair. They were so cute! And he was so happy to give them to me.. and I felt sooooo bad for having to return them. :( Anyways, he got a shave/shower set.. and a Phillies wallet. I was just happy to spend Christmas morning with him. I love him so much. <33

Christmas afternoon was really nice too. We went to Jeff's brother's house to exchange gifts with his family. His parents gave us money, like they do every year, and got him a Hess truck. His mom got me a "three generations" picture frame. It's really sweet. I need to get a picture of myself, my mom, and my grandmother now. And I can also use it when I eventually have a baby if it's a girl. It was a really sweet, thoughtful gift. Everyone loved their gifts. We got gift cards from Jeff's brother, niece, and girlfriend. It was a good time. Nice and quiet but fun.

....Then we headed to the Poconos, where my family was celebrating Christmas. Interesting, to say the least. If there wasn't someone crying, they were yelling. Smart idea putting my entire family of little control freaks and perfectionists in a house for 4 days....not. It had its upsides.. like this year, we decided instead of big gifts, we were doing stocking stuffers. Well that turned out to be a really good idea, because people put a lot of thought into their gifts and everyone really seemed to enjoy themselves. We played a few games, and drank and had fun. Saturday, the guys went to the shooting range, and the girls went shopping. So at least we got out of the house. Other than that..there were a lot of bad parts.. and I know I couldn't wait to leave. My mom and I agreed, if they decide to do this again next year, I'm not staying. And with the bad stuff, all I can say is.. I absolutely LOVE my husband. He is a saint, and I am so grateful for him, it's ridiculous. He stuck through it with me, and actually defended me when I was being yelled at for no reason. I don't know how he's still with me and is still okay with being a part of my family. Don't get me wrong.. I love my family to death. But I think that there were too many days, too much drama, and too much crap trying to go on. We left Sunday, and we stopped in a little town on our way out..and I honestly think that was the best part of the weekend.

On the TTC front, the bcps are working. Today is CD1, which makes this my first 28-day cycle EVER. It's weird lol. I never thought I would have a normal 28 day cycle, but I really did. So obviously that means I'm not pregnant .. so us trying for the month of December didn't work, but that's okay. We decided I'll be on the bcps probably until March, then try in April.. if I'm not pregnant by May, I'll get back on the pills. So we'll see. All I know is I want to cut off my lower half. I'm sooo not feeling good. I need a heating pad..and of course, I don't have one. My back hurts, and my pelvic area is just so blahhhhh. I'm kind of stomach-achy, cramping.. I don't even know. All kinds of crap. But other than that, it's okay. I'm dealing with it.

Alrighty... time to hit the sheets. I missed my blog there for a little bit.

I'll update more later.. hopefully before the new year...

Til next time. <3

Can't believe it's Christmas Eve.

Just wanted to wish all my blogger buddies a safe and Merry Christmas.

Be careful those of you who are traveling.. and just remember to enjoy your families.

Merry Christmas!

oxoxo.

20 more days until Christmas!!!

Can you tell that I'm just a bit excited?! Hell yeah I am! Hah.

It's supposed to snow a bit today.. so I'm patiently waiting. My bestie got 4 inches the other day, and I told her to send some my way.=) It's drizzling right now (I think.. can't really tell), and they said more towards the afternoon/evening hours that it'll turn to snow. I just want enough to cover the grass. So pretty.=)

So today is CD5, and AF is pretty much gone. I think it's because technically she started Monday (so if I was going by that, it would be CD6) and would probably be completely gone by tomorrow. I'm still wearing protection just in case. I've caught myself before thinking AF was totally done, and it just let up enough where I thought it was, then came back with a vengeance. But so far so good. And because she let up so much, I was able to sleep really well last night. Yay.=)

I still need to figure out exactly when I want to start the bcps, time-wise. I know you have to pretty much take them at the same time everyday. So I'm trying to figure out when it's best. I take my Met and my prenatals whenever I remember, really. So sometimes that's 10am, or 1pm. I'll have to find a middle and stick with it. I picked the refills up last night.. I gotta find my other ones..lol. The refills don't come with a pouch.. obviously. So I have to keep my eye out for them.

Enough blogging for today.. gotta go back to doing... well, nothing.=) Love days like this.. haven't had one that I actually enjoyed in a long time.

Til next time, kids.

CD1...

maybe.

Woke up this morning and it was there.. not heavy, which was nice because (sorry for TMI) I was not protected. But enough to show me she's on her way. I lost my bcps last week in the midst of getting things moved and ready for the holidays.. and I still haven't found them. However, I called CVS.. and though I have to pay out of pocket, they are able to refill it for me no problem. Thank goodness. I know I'll find them once I'm not looking for them, and that's alright. I'm excited to finally get things moving again. I haven't had AF in so long.. it feels weird lol. My next step - to sit down with Jeff and try to figure out how long I'm going to be on the bcps for. I was thinking maybe coming off of them in like, March.. but we'll see. I also need to talk to my dr again .. to clear some things up.

But all in all, things are finally changing.. thank goodness.

Back to my morning ritual. Til next time.<3

4 dozen freshly baked chocolate chip cookies later...

and I still have so much to do. I still have to bake 3 loaves of pumpkin bread, and a pumpkin pie, which I will be saving for tomorrow. The turkey is finally in the fridge, and will be in the sink tomorrow night. I'm getting all of my ingredients together to make sure I have every single thing I need. My Christmas tree is up and ready for ornaments, but not until after everyone goes home Thanksgiving night. But it looks gorgeous. The living room is clean, and the dining room needs to be rearranged. 3 loads of laundry are done and ready to be brought upstairs. And I am happily listening to Christmas music. For everything that needs to get done, this is what makes the holidays for me. The house smells yummy... the music is so wonderful.. I can't wait to entertain my guests. And yes, I do have a lot to do, but I am really relaxed about it. So I really wouldn't have it any other way.=)

Day 2 of Provera.. felt cramping this morning when I was in bed. So I'm hoping AF gets here soon after the last pill, which is Thanksgiving. Maybe she'll make a grand Black Friday appearance. We shall see.

It's so rainy and cold outside.. I'm waiting for the sun to break out with blue skies. Hopefully it will at some point this week. But the weather isn't getting me down. I love this time of year!!

Alright.. back to laundry and getting my stuff together.

Til next time, kids.=)

So I've decided that since Thanksgiving is less than a week away, I'm going to do a new post on what I'm thankful for this year.

I'm thankful for my husband. He's my best friend, and I don't know where I would be without him. Some days, I really wonder why he chose me. Then to top it off, how he has the strength to be going through this hell with me. I've realized over the year, especially after our first attempt at the IUI didn't work, that he loves me more than I ever knew. And though our attempt ended in a horrific BFN, the good part of it was, I fell in love with my husband again. He was there for me the entire time.. so supportive. He cried when I did, he held me when I needed it. He was blunt and truthful, but pretty sensitive at the same time. My ultimate goal is to make him a daddy. But I know that no matter what, he loves me.. and that's not going to change.

I'm thankful for my family. For understanding me, and supporting me through this. Especially my mom and my sister. They've been there every step of the way, helping me see the good in the bad outcomes. The encouragement and the shoulder to cry on all at the same time has really, really helped me. Without them, who knows. They keep positive, even when I feel like I've hit rock bottom and nothing will ever get better. They keep me from falling. And man, do I love them for that. They give me my strength. And that's more than I could ever ask for.

I'm thankful for my oh-so-far-away bestie, Erin. She's amazing. Yeah, we haven't met in real life (though we will.. at some point lol), but she's been there for me.. even if it's been through a computer screen. She never let me give up on myself. She's always there to listen to me, even when I have to bitch about the stupidest things. I'm thankful that she was blessed with an amazing husband, and a gorgeous, vivacious little boy. I'm thankful for the things she has done for me, and I hope she knows I'll always do the same for her.

I'm thankful for my SC girlies. They are the best. I don't know where I would be if I never found that site. I wouldn't know what I know now. And the support on my threads is overwhelmingly amazing. I love every one of those girls. Through our struggles, we see the best in everything. I know when I have my bad days, they are there to listen and cheer me up. On my good days, they're laughing along with me. Another part of my strength that I am so grateful to have.

I'm thankful for my friends. The ones who know what I'm dealing with. The ones who are there to make me laugh and forget that it's really a bad road. The ones who shove cake in my face, and up my nose.. and then take kissy pictures with me. The ones who drink it up and don't regret a thing. The ones who can't wait for me to get that BFP, but are also there when I get those damn BFNs. For the hugs, and the laughs.. and those drunken nights watching and playing beer pong. The cake fights, the jager shots, the nachos (Karen<3)... they make me forget all the seriousness sometimes.. all of the stress. They let me be me, and just have fun. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

And last by certainly not least, I am thankful (somewhat) for PCOS. For the fact that it's so common, yet no one really knows about it. But I'm thankful that there is a diagnosis out there. There is a reason, a cause for all of this hell. There are answers. I'm not stranded trying to figure out what I have. And though PCOS is a major bitch and a half, I'm thankful for it. Because if I didn't have it, I wouldn't be able to share my experiences with my little sister who, unfortunately, has it too. I would've never known about it. I wouldn't have been able to teach people about PCOS, and the effects. And the most important one.. I would've never gotten the chance to meet an amazing group of women. Their strengths get me through. Their struggles-turned-success give me motivation; hope that it will happen one day. And if it's not.. I cry over the keyboard.. but I know when I need it, they'll be there.

I'm thankful for so much more than that, but I don't want to go on forever. :)

Thank you to those who have been there. Those who have taken the time out to reach out to me. Those who have been there to support me. You know who you are. <3

oxoxoxo.

Giveway!

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It's a Free Giveaway! Her name is Jess, and she's been working with April (April Showers Blog Design). She has decided to branch out, and for 6 weekends, is doing free giveaways!

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CD69. Almost a record for me.

Except for when I was in high school and it decided to disappear every 4-6 months. But that'll soon change. Thursday is coming up, and I'm actually pretty excited about going on bcps. It's going to be different, but at least I won't just be sitting here waiting for something to happen, and wondering what my body is going to do next. And I'm happy that Jeff is backing me up with this. Bring on Thursday, already. Well, my appointment lol.

I'm still listening to Christmas music. And I'm still loving it. Jeff brought the Christmas stuff up that was in the basement. Now, he's just gotta get into the attic, and get the rest of it.=) I would like to have my tree up by Thanksgiving. Just up, not decorated. And yes, that means that my Christmas tree is fake. My daddy isn't too happy about that, but oh well. Jeff and I found it the first Christmas we spent together.. and had to buy it. There's no other like it.. seriously. If you look in the stores now after seeing it, you would agree.=)

Backing up to Thanksgiving.. I can't believe it's a week away. Of course, I'm going to be a stressed (kinda) mess. I have to make sure everything is as perfect as possible, so next week is dedicated to that. This week... getting the house clean and relaxing. I still have to go to the grocery store and pick up some things I forgot to get before, and I will definitely be going this week. There is no way in hell you'll catch me in Shoprite Thanksgiving week.. lol. I'm not that stupid. I'll probably go Friday night after work. I just need a few things. I'm actually excited to be doing Thanksgiving dinner. It's just Jeff's parents, Jeff and I. Nice and intimate, and I don't have to go all out (though if you know me around the holidays.. I always do lol). This is my first year making true sides.. like green bean casserole, and sweet potato casserole. I'm hoping they come out like I picture. Jeff and I went to Ikea (that place = pure love<3) to look at tables.. and buy some chairs. I only had money to buy two.. so we'll be going back Saturday.. woohoo! Then we have to go to the farm and go sweet potato pickin! I'm so excited! Though I'm not getting my table for Thanksgiving, I should have it by Christmas Eve. Our table and chair set has taken a beating. We got it at a store.. I don't want to call it a consignment shop, because it's really not that.. it's difficult to explain. And if you're not from around here, and by that, I mean Gloucester County, or surrounding counties, there's no sense in trying to explain it lol. But anyways.. we got it when we moved into our old apartment.. over 5 years ago. Since then, the chairs have been falling apart and such, and the table isn't much better. But we know the table will at least hold out through Thanksgiving. We need the chairs. And I'm excited that I got to buy the chairs I wanted.. and they're sooooo comfy! We went to Bed Bath and Beyond (another absolute LOVE of mine!) and got holiday seat covers to match our tablecloth. I want my table to be pretty elegant. So we'll see how it turns out. My next concern is the turkey.. I don't want it to come out dry, so after this, I'll be searching like crazy for tips lol. And if you have any, and would like to share, I greatly appreciate it! :)

Okay, so I think I blabbed on enough, hehe. I'll go look for those Thanksgiving tips now! And maybe a few gift ideas for the hubby. I love the holidays!!

Yep.. I'm in the mood for Christmas. I'm listening to Christmas music, and I secretly wish that the rain was snow. I have something to look forward to with Christmas. Decorating and being with all of my family are my favorites. I can't wait. I know it's still the beginning (for like another 2 days, mind you) of November, but I like to think I'm exempt. I have to look at Christmas ornaments starting in July .. though this year, they were late and came in September. But still. I love Christmas.. and I can't wait.=)

On the TTC front - I'll be getting my BCPs next week.. but I'll ask Jackie for a HPT first.. I want to test before I start popping pills, just in case.. then we'll see.=) Cycle day 65.. I'm not liking it. I know I have Provera in my medicine cabinet, but I figure if I wait a week, I'll be on the BCPs, so there's really no point.. it's alright. Hopefully being on the pill will help regulate me a little. We'll have to see.

Cycle Day 60.

Do I have anything to show for it?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, that makes me hate PCOS even more. Stupid bitch.

Finally...

I have something to look forward to.

With the FB crap, and the stress of everything else, I finally have ONE thing to look forward to.

The Poconos.<3

Christmas in the Poconos.. I cannot wait. I'll be away from here. Away from people. Away from real life. Away from freaking Facebook and my computer. Just me, my husband, and my entire family. You can't go wrong with that combination. I knew I had something coming that was good, and though I have to wait another 2 months for it, I don't care. Its something I can look forward to and I know will be here before I know it.

Only downside.. we can't bring the dog. He's too much lol. But hopefully my in-laws can take him and he'll be good to go. I'm going to have Christmas Eve here with them, and then Christmas Day, when Jeff gets home from work (I'm really, really hoping he can get off, but I highly doubt he can), we'll be headed to the snowy mountains of the Poconos. Just thinking about it is so relaxing to me. I can't wait for it. I can't wait to find out details, which should be soon. =)

On the TTC front .. surprise surprise.. nothing to report. However, I do think I'll be going on birth control for a while. We'll see. I'm still up in the air about it. But I figure we're on a forced break anyways, and I need something to regulate me. The only thing that did it was Tamoxifen. Jeff is fine with it either way. And we're not preventing anything anyways, but it's not like something's going to happen. We haven't prevented since freaking 2004, and nothing has come close to happening. So I think being on birth control will hopefully just regulate me. But I've never been on it, so I don't know where to start. I'll have to see my ob.

Alright.. back to cleaning.. and maybe baking a few batches of cookies. Car show/Pumpkin run tomorrow.. definitely looking forward to that too.

I want to know when the hell it's supposed to get better.

I want to know when the hell it's all supposed to work itself out.

I keep hearing it. I keep hearing that things will get better. Guess what? It hasn't happened yet.

I can't keep doing this. I'm stressed, and all I want to do right now is cry. But surprise, surprise, I have no one to cry to. And I'm getting to be very okay with that. With knowing that the only person I have in my life worth counting on is my husband. And that suits me rather well. Him and my family.

But I can't take that he's doing this on his own anymore. I lost my job last Christmas, and one year is coming ..fast. And all I have to show for it is a pile of unemployment stubs, and a very, very part time job that gives me maybe $40 a week.

I'm waiting for that letter to come in the mail. I'm waiting to officially lose our home. I'm waiting for things to shut off. I'm waiting for us to run out of food. I'm waiting for it to hit complete rock bottom, but unfortunately, it feels that way already.

I feel like I should start packing up. I feel like this is it. This is what's going to tear us apart. The fact that this is all going down the drain. And I have to resort to finding a job where I used to live. And that means living with my parents 85% of the time. That means not being here. Not being with him. Not being here to clean or cook for him. Not being here for the animals. And I can hear it now.. that I left him alone up here. That I shouldn't leave my husband. But what else am I supposed to do? There's nothing up here. I've looked. I've applied to countless places with no response. I effed up the first potential job I could've had. I had a friend try to get me a job only to never talk to me so I can figure out wtf is going on.

And of course, I would love to move, but I know that's just not possible. There's no way. It would make it a hell of a lot easier, though. I can find more potential than I can here. But he works up here. And this house.. we're not moving out of it anytime soon. Unless we get foreclosed on. *sighs*

I just want to know when it all went down to shit. When did it get so bad?

I just want it to get better. It needs to get better.

So I noticed that I haven't been on to give you all the update.

Really, because there hasn't been one. But yes, I did POAS. And yes, as I expected (because I am never wrong when it comes to this, it seems), it was negative.

Am I upset? No.

Am I bummed? No.

I literally looked at it.. turned it to the light to make sure I was seeing things right, threw it in

the trash, washed my hands and got back to whatever it was I was doing.

It really is horrible when you've been trying for so long and you just become immune to it all. Over 3 years with nothing, and it's gotten to the point where I am emotionless. And I don't mind it.

But what I can't seem to understand is how my stomach drops and my heart sinks when I see updates or posts on Facebook of my friends being pregnant. I don't understand it. Maybe it's because it seems a hell of a lot easier for them to get pregnant than it does me. I'm not just talking about my friends who don't have PCOS. I'm talking about the ones who do. The ones who seemed to get pregnant with no problems. I'm sorry to seem like such a brat, and I know a lot of them read this. But it's the truth. It seems like with their stories (and I know them quite well. It's what happens when you all relate by having this dreaded syndrome), and what they've gone through.. it was pretty easy to get pregnant. Now, for the record, I am NOT saying that they didn't struggle. I'm not saying that they had failed whatever. I'm just saying that in my own opinion, it was easier for them than it is me.

I know I have a lot to do with it. A lot. I need to stop making excuses and get my ass to the gym. Right now, I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I'm so embarassed, there's no way I'm going to give my weight on here. I know if I lost weight, it would help me somewhat. I know I don't make the right food choices. I know I need to lose a lot of weight. I know all of it. And somehow, it seems like easier said than done to the point where I don't have the motivation for any of it. And I need to. I know that I lost a few pounds back in August. And there were 3 weeks.. only 3 (because 5 weeks is my maximum for my motivation to be like..hell yeah, then it goes down the drain for some reason) where I lost weight. I was eating nothing but fruit and veggies... and yogurt. And drinking water. That was it. Now.. it's completely changed. And I know why that week was the easiest for me. Because it was my husband's birthday. And we made A LOT of fruit salad, and I cut up so many vegetables. That's why. And we had a lot left over, so that's all I was snacking on. And damnit, I feel like I need to do that again. Just to get started. I gave up breads. I gave up soda, candy.. all of that junk. And I was doing good. 3 weeks. That's it. I got a gym membership (that still takes out of our checking account.. go figure) the ONE day I went. I haven't been back since. They have classes there that would be free to me and I would love to take them. My excuse? I don't have a sports bra. Because I don't. I'm a very big girl in the chest area, and I go through sports bra quick. And I think it's also because I'm home. I don't work. I hate it, and I can't find a job.. and I think that's getting to me too. There's just a lot going on. And to put the cherry on top of it all, Facebook slaps me in the face with all of these updates. And all I want to say is.. "yes, I'm happy for you. but now, I'm over it". It's horrible. Just the way I feel, though.

I've also been considering going on birth control. I've never been on it before, so I wouldn't know where to begin, but it seems like a good option that would help me regulate (hopefully). I haven't talked to Jeff about it though. Only because we're on a break. But the thing is, I don't know how long that break is going to last, though I know it's going to be a long time. We're struggling so much right now, and it's not getting any better. But I don't know how he would feel about it. I don't know if that would help maintain my weight or whatever, though I could just start up my Metformin again. I stopped it after my cycle was cancelled, but I guess I should start it up to see if it helps with my weight again. I don't know. Just a lot to think about, on top of trying to find a job. I'm in desperate need. It's getting really, really, really bad. :(

Okay, let me bring up the happiness level at least to a semi-smile. This weekend was so much fun. Everyone loved our Halloween costumes, and I got so wasted, it was ridiculous lol. But I had a lot of fun. I just sat back and enjoyed myself, my husband and my friends. And made a little money too. I mean, who isn't going to vote for the costume that actually dispenses liquor? Yep, Jeff's costume did just that. It was pretty awesome.

Alrighty.. I leave you with a picture... back to watching the Phillies kick NY's ass! GO PHILLIES!!!

xoxoxo.

Okay... so I LOVE the way I'm looking.. except for the double chin face.. ughh. But my legs look FANTASTIC.. and I've been told I look like I've lost 50lbs instantly. So this is my motivation. I want to look like this for real..not just sucking it in for a picture lmao.=)

To test, or not to test..

Yeah, we're back to that question. AGAIN.

Because all of my little quirks and feelings, and twinges and such were gone. No more cramping, but my CM is amped up like hell. Oh, and let me add in... lower back pain like nobody's business. Now I don't know if it's because of work today.. that's when it started.. but I couldn't get comfortable last night trying to sleep either. I would lay on my back..and it would hurt. I tossed and turned.and kept getting frustrated.. and finally fell asleep.. but didn't stay asleep the entire night. And my boobs are STILL veiny. They've NEVER, EVER been veiny for this long!! Ugh. I hate this.. I don't know wtf is going on with my body. I don't want to test and see another effing BFN.. and feel like I wasted the money for no reason.. and still be heartbroken. I mean, come on.. no matter what - whether you think you're not pregnant.. or something just tells you your not.. if you see that negative, you're still gonna be pretty damn bummed, right? UGH. PCOS - You can kiss my ass. I am so tired of this crap anymore. Just once, I would LOVE to know what the hell is going on with my body. But I can never get a straight answer. I seriously wonder what I did in a past life to go through this hell now. I know we're on a break, and that's all fine and dandy.. because it has to be. But ugh. And we were in front of CVS tonight and I didn't say a word to Jeff. Because I don't want him getting all uncomfortable.. though he's my husband, and I should've told him. But then again, if by some miracle I am pregnant, which I doubt (I would say highly, but my body is making my mind think otherwise..), I want it to be a surprise to him. I know I should test before Halloween, and really.. my only time to test would be tomorrow. Well, that's more like I would have to buy the test tomorrow. I don't know when I would take it, because I know sometimes its a myth to wait for the morning urine.. but who knows. I just want answers. That's all. Really. It's not that difficult. *sighs*

I wish I could update on myself, but I really can't.

All I have is more CM for the past few days.. and I was cramping at the end of this past week. But I haven't since. It's crazy. Oh, and I'm HIGHLY emotional. I went to my sister's band competition on Saturday night with Jeff, my mom, and my sister's boyfriend, Bobby. And we watched the first band go on the field for competition and the announcer said "You now may take the field in competition" and I lost it.. I told my mom I missed it..and my eyes started to swell up with tears.. and I had to fight myself from crying.. I'm getting misty-eyed even typing it out right now!! WTF?!! Then like, 20 minutes ago, something on TV made me cry. Like, seriously. I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. My hormones are so out of whack. Damnit lol.

Anywho.. had a great time this weekend.. if you're my friend on FB... check the pictures out. It was a good weekend. Got caught in one hell of a storm Saturday night leaving the competition, and I had to make sure my mom was okay (6 knee surgeries and a replacement..you better believe I'm making sure she's okay walking through that crap).. and we were waiting for my sister and Bobby to come out of the school..and the front of that school SUCKS. It was a huge pool of water within minutes. My uggs got wet.. but they're old.. so it's okay.. but I wasn't moving.. I was under the awning with my mom.. and the rain was so far up on the ground..it went past the rubber part of my uggs..and hit the fabric.. completely sucked. But other than that.. it was an awesome weekend!

Okay..back to cleaning. Ughh.. I hate that that's my life anymore lol.

GO PHILLIES!!!!

2009 NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPS AGAIN!!!

See you at the World Series!!! WOOOOO!

..and you know my ass is going to get tickets.. or at least try my best!!! =)

So for some reason or another, I feel like I don't need to take a test anymore.

I'm not questioning my body. I'm not questioning my so-called 'symptoms'. It seems like I've come to terms that it's just something that has to do with PCOS, and there's no reason to waste anymore time in thinking I was actually pregnant.

My breasts are still veiny, but that's really the only thing that's going on right now. And I don't know if it's me becoming immune to feeling sadness or hurt from it really not being pregnancy symptoms, or what.. but I just feel like I don't care anymore.

This happened to me last year too. I became severly overwhelmed with everyone being pregnant, and then it just went away, and I was like, whatever. I just needed time for it to happen to me again. Let's see... I know... at least 6 women that are pregnant right now. And at this point, I really don't care. It happens. It may not happen for me for a while, but I've come to terms with it once again. I may, however, for the hell of it, test before we go to the party on Halloween. Just to make sure I can drink. But other than that, my mini-baby-fever-breakdown is over. So for those of you who are expecting...congrats. And that's all I really need to say about that.

Moving on..

It's finally sunny out. But still ridiculously cold. It seems like we sort of skipped Fall and went into the beginning of Winter, but I'm not going to complain because I absolutely LOVE this weather. The trees in the backyard are finally starting to change colors, and I know it's going to be a pain in the ass to rake all of the leaves up, but I honestly don't mind it. Hopefully I'll get some nice pictures in.. I love taking autumn pictures. And October always seems like the best time to do it.

And I love that October = Playoffs. So excited.. Phillies are in the NLCS and they play tomorrow night. I'm going to try my best to win tickets to the game. I would LOVEEEEE to be there. I wish I had the $200+ for each ticket, but bills have to be paid first. Hopefully my radio-calling luck will be there with me tomorrow morning, and hopefully I can come back on here saying that Jeff and I are going to the game tomorrow night! I have to get up at like 5am to listen to Preston and Steve, but I don't care! I'll do it! LOL.

So I was on the Phillies website this morning..looking to see the prices of the tickets for shits and giggles, and I came across this video.. watch it.. but make sure to listen at the 54 second mark.

http://philadelphia.phillies.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20091019&content_id=7495156&vkey=news_phi&fext=.jsp&c_id=phi

Did you hear it? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was Jimmy Rollins ..lmao. Gotta love how they slip, and yet the media still can't catch it... like Chase Utley's WS speech last year... World F*CKING Champions.. lmao.. I find it pretty funny that it's basically on mlb.com and they haven't picked it up yet. Oh well.

But that game last night was amazing.. I really thought they were done after the 4th inning. But they came back like they always do. Jeff and I went to bed before the game was over (the game didn't get over til like 11:45pm) and Jeff had to work today..but I was watching TV, and could hear the fireworks going off.. so I woke Jeff up and told him I was pretty sure the Phillies won. I checked my phone..and there it was.. 5-4... if they win tomorrow night.. they're going to the World Series again! I'm so excited, it's ridiculous. And if I win those tickets tomorrow, I'm so going to the mall and FINALLY getting the Phillies hat that I want.

I'm just hoping I have a shot to win those tickets. We'll see. If not.. I'll STILL be in Philly.. how can you not be on a night like that?!

GO PHILLIES!!!!

And once again.. everyone I'm surrounded by got the one thing I've been dreaming of..

kill me now. I'm over it.

Brrr. Yes.. it's freezing.

But I'm still so in love with the fall.=)

Anywho..

So I went to my ob's appointment today.. she said everything looked normal, and felt normal. The veins showing in my breasts may be from my hormone treatments, and could even possibly be pregnancy related, but she said she doesn't see anything wrong. But she did write me a script to get a mammogram and an u/s done, which I'm not doing. She said it herself..nothing was wrong, she just wanted to cover all bases. They scheduled my appointment for me, and that day can't work for me, number 1.. and number 2.. I don't feel comfortable getting a mammogram and paying for it for nothing.

So..onto my next thought.. of course, in the world of an IF woman... all I can think about is if it's pregnancy related. Though I'm 95% sure it's not, and my body and mind are messing with me, I can't help but think otherwise. Between that, my gassy-ness ..I'm literally burping up everything I eat after I eat it.. that started a few days ago.. weird. I've never had that happen to me before. And the pimple breakout on the one side of my face when I only get one pimple when I'm PMSing. And the crazy dreams. And the sore boobs...but they're not sore anymore.. but are still somewhat veiny. And the whole buffalo wing kick.

Ugh.. who knows. Guess I'll just roll with the tide and see what happens. Yes, I'm itching to test. But no, I don't have the money to waste on a test that I know is going to be negative, and right now... I can't deal with my heart breaking over another BFN... *sighs*

It's always either a guessing game, or a waiting game, isn't it?

Happy (crappy) Thursday.

It's about 40-45 degrees outside, and just plain crappy. It's raining and it's windy, and blah.

And of course, that's how I am today... just blah. I don't want to be.. but at this point, I'll take my husband and a fire and some snuggling. I'm cold.. and I never get cold. You know it's bad when I wear a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie over that, and sweats with my uggs. Usually I'm in a t-shirt and basketball shorts hanging around the house.. it's crazy.

Speaking of crazy... ughhh..

I wish I knew what the hell my body was doing. I'm sooooo itching to test, but I KNOW it'll be a BFN. And I can't take that heartbreak anymore. My boobs are still veiny, but not sore anymore. However, this has lasted too long, and it ended up with me having an appointment tomorrow afternoon with my ob. Hopefully I'll see her tonight at work.. though I'm still keeping my appointment. And my face has broken out on one side of my face.. that is frustrating the crap out of me. AF is due tomorrow or Saturday, and usually with AF.. I get one big pimple on the side of my face..and that's all. It disappears after much treatment and AF going away. But this isn't the case this time. So frustrating. Oh..and another lovely, crazy thing... wings. Yes, buffalo wings. That's all I want. Honestly.. it seems like that's the only thing I ever want to eat anymore. And that's been going on for about a week. I know it's only CD36.. and I know "cravings" don't usually happen that early, so I'm not chalking this up to anything. I can't.

But... it doesn't help that I watched "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" last night.. that was the only decent thing on. And all I kept saying was .. damn... I don't want to test, but what if I don't.. and I am pregnant.. and I don't find out until I either miscarry or have the baby? .. I know, crazy, right? Stupid tv shows. And of course.. both episodes had one woman who had PCOS. Ugh. I just want my freaking body to work right already.

We've been on a break for 2 1/2 weeks, and I'm going crazy. It's so hard to stay on this break. Last time, we were on a break for a month before I said I couldn't handle it anymore. And this time, it's actually gotta be longer because we just do not have the money for the meds. It completely sucks.

Alright... I'm done bumming myself out.. gotta finish my grocery list.. and wait for hubby to get home.<3

So we're back to that good ol' annoying thought once again...

Could I possibly actually be pregnant?

And I'm going to say no. Why?

Because everytime I even hope that I am, I get shot down like a geek asking the homecoming queen to go out on a date. times an infinity. plus 5.

So yeah. My boobs STILL hurt.. well, not hurt, but they're sore. I'm wearing a bra still, since I haven't changed into my jammies yet.. and they're sore. I can only imagine how they are going to feel when I take it off. Oh, wait.. it's the way they've been feeling for the past week and a half.. SORE. Ugh. They're still sort of veiny, but not as much as the beginning of this week. But I can tell you.. the one vein that I noticed the most..is still pretty visible.

My RE said to call my OBGYN if in another week, this is still going on. He told me that the meds could make them sore, and asked if they were lumpy or engorged. Number one, doc, my boobs are like freaking canteloupes.. and no, I'm not exaggerating. So no, I don't know if they're engorged. They're big enough as it is.. and if they get bigger, I can't tell. And no, they're not lumpy. So he tells me that the meds don't cause them to be 'veiny'. Alrighty.. so wtf is going on with me? No one knows.

So I'm giving it a few more days, and then I'm going to be making a nice phone call over to my ob and ask her when I can come in.. so I can at least get checked out.

But in the meantime, not only am I the one thinking this..but as are my other SC girls... is it possible that even though my cycle was cancelled, I can still get pregnant? Who knows. Because I don't even know if I ovulated. I guess we'll find out in time.

Of course, there's a part of me who's like.. geez I hope so. But the other part of me.. the part that is so over feeling positive about this crap is like, "hell no. Once again, it's your stupid not-so-normal body playing tricks on you. Go ahead...take that pregnancy test, and when it comes out negative, I get to say I told you so. And that you wasted your money... AGAIN."

Oh..and on a side note... if you don't know how to spell pregnant.. you make me want to smack the crap out of you. (referring to the oh-so-many threads on SC.. seriously.. of all the words... that's the one you get wrong..ugh)

Time to snuggle up in bed with my hunny.. night!

I so should be snuggled up in my VS pink sweats.. my uggs and a warm hoodie.. with a few ginger snaps next to me.. along with a nice cup of hot chocolate.

But I'm not. lol.

That's because I worked earlier today, and still haven't changed. And we don't have any hot chocolate. We definitely need to go food shopping lol.

So today was the typical fall day... chilly.. sunny...all fall-ish. I was in love. Minus the 50mph gusts that were blowing me from one side to the next. And the fact that we had our door open at work today, and between my boss, her grandson, and me.. we were out there all day sweeping leaves out of the store lol.

It's still ridiculously windy out, but I'm sitting here..all nice and cozy. But guess what would make me even happier? If I was snuggling up on my couch or in my bed, and I was writing this from a laptop. Hah. Is it so horrible to want a laptop for Christmas? Yeah, I so know I won't get one.. but damn. What if I make the excuse that when I eventually am pregnant, and I might possibly have to go on bed rest, and I wouldn't be able to use my computer.. would that work? LOL.. love to think ahead, yes I do.=)

Speaking of.. I know this sounds totally OCD and anal, and definitely crazy.. but I already have my Thanksgiving menu picked out. AND I'm on the verge of finishing..yes..finishing..my Christmas Eve menu. I'm not doing Christmas, because hopefully we're going to be driving up to the Poconos to spend it with my family, since they'll all be vacationing up there in a way lol. But I figure I'll host Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve for Jeff's family. Should be okay, right? I mean.. I usually go down to my parents for Thanksgiving. Not only to hang out, but since my sister is in the band like I was, and I like to watch the HS football games. Our HS football team is pretty kick ass most of the time, and one of those times is this year. However, I won't be scurring my turkey-loving self down there. That and I don't want to hear any complaints this year. I had enough last year.

Anywhoooo... I'm also going to attempt to bake a few holiday desserts...get this..from scratch. Hah. We'll see how well that goes. We're hopefully heading up to a farm this Saturday to go Apple picking, even though the season hasn't been too good, from what I hear. So we'll see. But we also need to go there at some point and get pumpkins to carve again(yay).

On the TTC front, not much going on. I was still a little twingy a few days ago, but that subsided. I've also been a little crampy, but it's only before I have to go to the bathroom for some reason every now and then (sorry for TMI). And my boobs are still veiny.. like they have been for the past few days.. so who knows. But I'm not worried. Whatever happens, happens.

Alrighty.. time to go snuggle up with my hunny.=)

oxoxo.

Can I just say how much I absolutely LOVE this time of year? =)

I was so happy today to finally start getting my fall/Halloween decorations together. I already put up my window clings. I love decorating for each holiday. I love driving by different houses to see their ideas. And Halloween starts it all.. yay!

It's Sunny.. about 60-65 degrees out, and I'm in Heaven. I have just a little bit of a chill.. and leaves are already on the ground. I absolutely love it. I have to wear my hoodie if we go out anywhere, it's getting darker sooner. Ahhh.

Another thing I love about the holidays.. strangely enough.. is I actually don't really think of having kids. I mean decorating gets my mind off of it completely. And thinking of Halloween costumes ... parties ... and the next holiday following puts too much on my mind to think about anything else. Yeah, I know I'll eventually have my own child to dress up and take trick-or-treating. I know I'll be able to decorate a little more, and get excited in different ways. But I figure right now isn't the time to worry about babies or even trying to get pregnant. I'm enjoying what I can now, while I still have the chance. Jeff and I will going to parties.. and maybe we'll want to hit up Fright Fest at some point this month.. and when you have a kid, you give up a lot. Trust me, I would give up EVERYTHING in a heartbeat if I was pregnant, but right now, I know there's a reason why God just hasn't blessed me yet. And I'm just going to patiently wait. Why stress? Why get upset every month? I realized I'm missing out on a lot of things by obsessing over this baby stuff.

So moving on.. I so need to get more decorations for Halloween. Seriously. I thought I had more, and I'm telling you..every year, it seems like enough lol. But when I pull it out to decorate, it's like stuff disappears, but it really doesn't lol. So hopefully, whenever we go out somewhere, I can pick up a few things that I like. And I say this every year, but I HAVE to buy a rubbermaid tote for Halloween. Everything's in cardboard boxes, and those boxes are getting abused lol. So whenever I can find a sale, I'll get one for Halloween. I did for Christmas, and I need to get one for Easter too, but I'll do that when the time comes. But Halloween is coming up, so that's the only thing on my mind. I'm so excited.. I got myself a new layout for my blog to get into the spirit. Though, I will absolutely admit with no shame, I am DEATHLY afraid of all things horror. LMAO. I am such a wimp, it's not even funny. I don't do haunted hayrides or anything.. unless it's with a group of friends who I know will make fun of the people. Jeff and I have gone to Fright Fest a few times with a group of people, and it's been okay. The last time we went, we took my niece, Stephanie. She was about 11 years old, and every kid under 12 got a whistle. And if you didn't want to be scared by the people, you blew the whistle. Well, this poor kid was attached to my hip cracking up as I whistled the whole night! LOL. But it's so much fun at the same time. I'm hoping to attempt to go this year. Last year, we went to Dorney Park, and I'm telling you.. I MADE us leave by 5:59pm lmao. Their Haunt nights started at 6pm, and I chickened out immediately, lol. It's okay if you're reading this and cracking up. I laugh at myself all the time over this. And I blame my mom. She's all into finding the best haunted hayrides, or like Jason's Woods or something.. she loves it. Well, when I was little, they had this haunted house in Wildwood. And I told my mom I didn't want to go in, and this vampire guy came out, took me by the hand, and freaking brought me inside..by myself! Yeah, that didn't last very long LOL. I freaked the hell out.. but I still had to go through the entire thing with my mom. She's so torturous when it comes to this kinda stuff lol. I don't do horror films either. I blame that on my cousin. I don't know who allows a 8 year old to watch Psycho as her first horror movie. Talk about not taking a shower for a month! LMAO.

But other than that horror stuff, I love this time of year. I love going out and seeing all the kids dressing up. I love seeing all the decorations in the stores. It's funny, because I work in a card shop, and we have to constantly be 2-3 holidays ahead. So we have Halloween and Christmas on the same side of the store, and Thanksgiving is on the other side. So, for those of you complaining that you see Halloween stuff already.. I had to put up Christmas ornaments in the beginning of September. And actually, that's late. Last year, I put them up July 7th. How's that for ya? LOL. But it's all good.. it just reminds me that cooler weather, shorter days, and my uggs are coming out of the box soon!

I know I'm babbling, but I haven't posted in a while, and I'm in such a good mood!!

So, that brings me to a question for you... are you dressing up for Halloween this year? And if so, as what? I would love to know!

Jeff and I already have our costumes picked out..and actually, Jeff's will be done very soon. I know I should tell you, if you're leaving me a comment telling me, but you know for sure I'll have pictures, and I'd rather show you the pictures first. I'm hoping that whatever costume contest we enter, we win. This year should blow us out of the water! LOL. Of course, Jeff will look better than me, but it's all good.

Alrighty..enough of me going on and on. It's time for dinner. And then snuggling up.. maybe I'll get Jeff to light a fire outside.. we'll see.=)

So we're done. Again.

The RE called me this afternoon to let me know what was going on. From this morning's u/s, she thought we would be cancelling the cycle since my body isn't responding the way they had hoped. She had to wait for my bloodwork to come in, and it did.. and it's not enough. The other RE said I would need at least another week on medicine for at least a hope, so they're stopping me now. I mentioned to her this morning that this is our last cycle. We're done after this. And now I officially know. Sad thing is, I'm completely immune to feeling any sort of depression, or being upset. I haven't cried. I've just told my husband, and a few friends, and have moved on. There's nothing else we can do right now. TTC is officially on hold once again. I don't know if Jeff and I are going to sit down and figure out what else to do next or what, but that's really it. We can't afford the meds anymore. It's just not working out. Who knows if I'll ever become a mom, but at this point, I'm not even sad about that.

I may be around lurking and reading other blog entries, but as for updating my own..who knows when I'll be back to do that. Good luck to the girls currently TTC. Hope you have a lot more luck than I did.

So... I haven't updated, and I apologize.

Evidently, I have 'explosive follicles'. That's what I was told on Friday morning at my appointment. I have a lot of little follicles, but I was told not to lose hope.

I go in yesterday, to a dr I haven't had before..and OH MY GOD... he hurt me like hell. Like it was horrible. I wanted to ask him if I could have the probe.. ask him to bend over..and let me hurt him! Ughh.. horrible. And he proceeds to tell me "you have a lot of little follicles (duh), and we don't see improvement or growth in the next few days, we may be cancelling this cycle like last time". Okay, I actually DID the IUI last time, but it just took me a little while to get there. Ugh. I did not like him, at all.

Well anyways.. I got all upset because I took the last of the medicine I had last night.. and I'm taking 250ius of the 300iu vial they donated to me tonight. So that's it.. I'm out of meds. And if they know that I'm out of meds, I'm done.. they'll stop the cycle. I'm really hoping they don't.. so I'm on a hunt once again.. hopefully I'll have more soon.

Other than that, another kick ass Fireman's weekend for the books. I had a lot of fun. But of course, gotta wait til next year lol.

Alrighty.. back to prepping dinner for later..

I'll hopefully be back to update tomorrow morning with a better outcome....

Okay, follies... gather around...and listen to me.

You need to grow. Seriously.

Haha.. my appointment was this morning, and I think it went very well. I have a 8mm follicle on the right side, and a 7mm one on the left. The RE upped my dosage to 200ius and I have to go back Friday morning to see where we are. I'm really hoping by some point next week, we can schedule the IUI. The RE reminded me today that if there were more than 5-6 follicles, we would have to cancel the cycle. So I don't know how, but I really, really want to avoid that situation. So we'll see where we are on Friday. I don't want to take forever to stim, but I don't want to overstimulate, either. I'm hoping that I can get 3-4 good follicles this time, like I did last time..but just have it all stick! LOL. We'll see..another waiting game, but it's all good. It's a good, good waiting game.

=)

9/11/01. Never Forget.

I knew what my tattoo would look like before I even got it. And when I did get it, 5 years and 10 days later, it was a little bit of closure for me.

My father, my grandfather, my uncle, my mother, my husband, and myself have been/are part of Emergency Services; whether that be Fire, EMS, or First Responder. And to me, 9/11 hits home. No, I didn't know anyone personally who died on that tragic day, but you have the sense of mourning for the families that lost their loved ones. When you're in Fire or EMS, you automatically have this brother/sisterhood that you carry along with you. And for the 343 Firefighters/EMTs who sacrificed their lives on that very day makes me proud, but sad all at the same time.

I'm proud of the 343 men and women who gave their lives for the call of duty. They're heroes, no matter what way you look at it. They walked into that horrible, horrible situation with no hesitance. No reluctance. They knew what they needed to do. I bet a lot of them had fear, no doubt. No matter what call you have, small or gigantic, you always have that lump in your throat. But between knowing what you have to do, and your adrenaline, fear sort of subsides. You never think about the outcome of that situation. That's the one moment in life, where you literally need to be in the moment. Not think about anything else.

Those 343 men and women, my fellow brothers and sisters, are angels. And on this day, I think about how they are looking down, at their fellow brother/sisterhoods. At their families and friends. I know we mourn for their deaths, but at the same time, we celebrate their lives. They were guardian angels here on Earth, as they are in Heaven. I am saddened that they left this Earth so soon. But when you become a Firefighter or an EMT, even a cop, you take an oath to save lives. And that doesn't even question coming before your own. They are the people I look up to for guidance. They are the people who show us that they will sacrifice anything to save someone. I admire all those men and women. The strength and courage they had. The determination to save lives.

And on this day, 8 years later, I still stand strong, and salute them for a remarkable sacrifice. They are angels, flying free. I will never forget the sacrifice they made for the American people, and for our country. They will forever be a part of me. And I hope to carry some of them along with me.

For the men and women who lost their lives in the tragic 9/11 incidents - In my heart, you'll forever remain. You will never, ever be forgotten. *343*

AF IS HERE!! Woohoooo!!!


On my way out the door now to go to the RE's office! Here we go again!=)

UPDATE - 7 follies on my right...10 on my left... and I'm starting my meds tonight! Yay!!=)

AF, where art thou?

Come onnn.

Today is CD67. Boo. I woke up with spotting, but nothing more. I feel the pressure when I go to the bathroom, like my period is going to show up any minute, but nothing. It needs to get here! I want to call the RE and be like, alrighty! Time for my week of u/s and bloodwork and whatnot. Bring it on. But the thing is.. vacation is next week. Which means I probably won't be calling the RE until tomorrow to tell him AF showed her ugly face full blast, which also means that she'll be here well into next week. Ugh. But you know what.. I don't really care. As long as she is outta here by next weekend. It's the Firemen's Convention.. and we're staying down in Wildwood for the weekend.. and I am NOT worrying 24/7 about AF and leaking or whatever while I'm trying to have a good time on the boardwalk! I don't even mind Jeff shooting me up with drugs while we're down there.. as long as I don't have to deal with her. But I'm wondering what the RE is going to do with these meds. I've never done straight injections before. I'm wondering how soon I need to start them... hmm..

But unlike all the NORMAL people out there, I'm begging for AF to just get here already! 67 days is wayyyyy too long of a cycle for me! I knew I should've asked for Tamoxifen the month we were on break. I wouldn't have to be dealing with this. Though, it gave me time to get my medicine.. so I really can't complain too much. I just need her here ASAP. I'm going crazy, lol. On their birthday, people wish for normal things... what do I wish for right before I blow out my candle? My freaking period.

..and to think.. I always told people I was never normal... and never knew that I would prove it this way! =)

Happy Birthday to meeee!!

LOL. Yep. Today is the day! =)

So far, I've gotten so many texts, and phone calls, and facebook shout-outs ..and I want to thank everyone for all of the birthday wishes!

I'm about to go get ready to go out to dinner tonight... hubby's taking me somewhere.. I still don't know where though lol. Kept a surprise all this time, so we'll see! =)

Hopefully year 23 gives me good luck. My mommy got pregnant with me when she was 23.. so maybe I'll have the same luck.

Thanks again to everyone for the birthday wishes!!

oxoxoxoxo.

alcohol wipes and vials and needles, oh my!

Yep. It's that lovely time again. No more TTC break for us!

We had our consultation with the RE yesterday and we've decided to try again with an IUI. Which is fine by me. But this time, we're doing straight injections. I'm waiting for a phone call from the RE's office to let me know the results from my bloodwork taken yesterday, then I'll be starting Provera. I'm excited to get back up and get the ball rolling again. I'm worried, though, about not having enough meds. I know the RE told me he's going to try his best to get donated meds through the office, which is awesome. And I'm working on trying to get what I can with what I can afford right now. I'm hoping that this works, because I don't know if another IUI would be done in the future, because of the injections issue. But we'll just take one step at a time, and take it day-by-day in hopes that this one works. So we're back! And fingers are crossed once again. Besides, I've missed the oh-so-addicting smell of alcohol wipes. Haha, yeah I'm a freak. But it's all good! =)

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!

Finally.. no more phone tag with the RE's office.

I have my consult set for Monday afternoon at 3... oh, pretty stirrups that are in the u/s room, I'm back! And my lovely fertility socks! Woohoo!

BRING. IT. ON!

=)

I need drugs!! drugs are good..mmmkay.=) LMAO Erin..

But seriously.. I need drugs...

Okay.. Follistim and Gonal-F.. I really, really, REALLY need them...

So if ANYONE knows of ANYWHERE or ANYBODY who has them and is willing to get rid of them..sell them.. please, please, PLEASE let me know.

I'm really desperate. I want to get this ball rolling again.. and I need the drugs!

THANKS!! =)

PS - If you know of someone who knows someone.. please post this in your blog to help me out!!

So it's a no-go on the WLS surgery, my choice.

My girlfriend did WLS, and was telling me the pre-ops about it.. I don't have time for that right now.

Or the fact that I would have to put off TTC any longer. It's bad enough now.

All I know is that right now, I need to get money for those damn injections. I still cannot believe my insurance doesn't cover them.

I know they would work.. I just know it.

But ... I can't catch a break for anything right now, so what does it matter anyway, right?

So I've moved on from being depressed. Because we all know in the IF world, it's going to hit you sometime or another. And I think my attacks are pretty well spread out. Ugh.

So my next contemplation.. is WLS. Lapband surgery, specifically. I thought about it, and to me it's got its ups and downs, of course.

I'm only 23.. but I've been overweight for years. I never changed my diet or activity when I gained all that weight (in about a year, mind you..ugh), and since then.. I've been sucked into diet scams and all sorts of exercise bullshit. You name it, I probably did it. Tried Alli, Slim Fast, South Beach, Acai Berry, Weight Watchers.. and oh the many workout DVDs I have. Pathetic. I figure this may help me.

I'm still figuring it out. I know my insurance company will cover it, but only if its a medical necessity. And I'm worried about how much longer it would put off TTC. However, if I did do it, and I know that it's only a tool to help me lose weight, and I did lose weight.. I would have a better chance of conceiving naturally, which would be fantastic. Another up-side, though I'd hate to think of it this way, is I'm unemployed. So now might be a good time to do it. I don't know. Like I said, still thinking.. still definitely up in the air.

Jeff said in his opinion, I should get on steady schedule of hitting the gym, which I agree with, since I've only joined a week ago. However, the many attempts to lose weight with no success has got me thinking the other way. I don't know.

I think the least I can do right now is call the dr up, and see if he takes my insurance, and set up a consultation if I can. We'll see.

Okay, time for bed..hopefully I can hit the gym tomorrow. I've been really, really bad lately.

Why is it that I always end up right back here? Back to the depressed, angry, upset me. I'm so tired of the tears. Of the headaches. The heartaches. The jealousy. I can't take it anymore.

I don't want to be on hold. I don't want to wait 6 months and try again, with no guarantees. I didn't ask for this. And I feel horrible about being mad at God, but sometimes, I really am. I don't understand it. The 19 year old girls, the drug addicts, the alcoholics.. how on Earth do they deserve kids over me?! I don't understand it.

My friend is just starting out on the TTC world with doctors and tests and treatments. She says God has already written this chapter of our lives. He knows what's going to happen. He knows that I'm ready. But he's got a plan for me. I want to believe her, but right now.. I'm ready. I have been. I don't want to wait for him to be ready. It sounds so selfish and undermining. And I feel bad, but then again, in a twisted way, I really don't. I feel like I've struggled long enough.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

I used to believe that. But with this.. with PCOS and infertility, and the whole effing world against me once again, I'm anything but stronger. Everyday, I'm a little weaker. I'm weaker when I find out my friends are pregnant without even trying.. no matter who they are. I'm weaker when I have to walk past that spare room every night before I go to bed, and every morning when I wake up. I'm weaker in knowing I can't even call it a nursery because there's no baby. I've learned my strength over the years, but right now, it's down to the wire. I'm honestly just waiting for it all to snap. I'm waiting for me to snap.

I am losing my mind. Literally. I'm waiting to fully crack and have a breakdown. This is killing me. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about one day being a mom. I can't stop thinking about how there is a really good chance I'll never experience that. Ever.

So now what? Do I keep fighting, knowing I will never ever win the war..or do I just accept it for what it is, and stop trying? Stopping the meds, and the doctors, and the trying. Just accepting the fact that what I thought I was put on this Earth for isn't exactly right. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a Mom, though my heart tells me different. But do I keep going through this heartbreak? Or do I give up now... and save my tears, and start to heal my heart again? Healing it won't ever fill that hole, though.

But it seems like everything is a catch 22. Unlimited IUIs, but injections aren't covered. Meds work, but I have to pay for them. Lose weight, but it still doesn't work. Put myself through hell for absolutely nothing. No progress. Not even the hope of it working.

Sadly enough, I can now admit that I knew that IUI in June wasn't going to work. I just knew it. And Jeff asked me how, and I said I know my body..and I just knew it wasn't going to work. The hope that it may, and it may take me by surprise. That I actually might see that plus sign on the test. That I'm finally at the next step and happy. But I knew it. And knowing that it was our first and last chance didn't really help either.

My heart feels so heavy. My head hurts. My eyes want to close. I want to sleep for days and days in bed, cut off from the world. Not wanting to see anyone, or talk to anyone. I just want to sleep. I feel like there's no better way to waste my days away. Because there's no reason to attempt to enjoy something when I know I just won't.

I don't want to smile anymore. I don't want to fake it. I don't want to be around people who are pregnant or talking about babies. I don't want to be around people, period. I don't want to deal with the outside world, and knowing I'll never be happy in it.

I never expected to be this depressed. This upset. This pathetic. To sit here, in the dark, at 10:30 at night, alone. Just complaining. Wondering. Turning so pessimistic.

"Well this is your last option..."

Why? Why does it have to end here? I've been busting my ass to lose weight. For what? Nothing. To gain what I've lost back. To struggle for a dream that just pulls farther and farther away from me every damn minute.

Before I got on here, I went off on Jeff. He tells me that he's ready, but he doesn't mind if it happens down the road, not now. I just went off. About how he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand.. I'm not asking to be pregnant tomorrow. I'm saying I want to try. It's going to take a long time. I know it. 3+ years of trying.. and I'm just over it all. And he's sitting there.. in the dark.

Half of me wants to apologize. The other says, screw it. Let it sink in. Let him realize it. Let him try to understand it.

But all in all, the one person I'm fighting is myself. Not Jeff. Not my doctors. I'm fighting with myself. With feeling this way, and being like this. And giving up. But then again, I gave up the fight with everything. Why fight for something you'll never have? I knew I was going to have Jeff as my husband. So I fought. With everything in me. Having a baby? I don't know if it'll ever happen, so what's the point in trying anymore?

I can't mend my heart anymore. And I think it's about had enough. My eyes are hurting me constantly by being so damn emotional. Crying over every little thing. My head hurts from crying. It hurts from the headaches. My heart hurts. I feel heavy and a million pounds on my shoulders. I can't do this anymore.

And no, I do not want anyone to come onto my profile and tell me they understand. I know you do to an extent, but please don't tell me. And don't tell me that a break may be just what we need. Don't tell me to relax and it'll happen. And don't tell me that it'll all be okay. I just don't want to hear it anymore. I know that sounds selfish and horrible of me, but it's the truth. I'm tired of it. Of it all. Of the bullshit. Of the same old thing being said to me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to strangle the next person who tells me to relax. I'm just tired.

So who knows what the next step is. Who knows what's going to happen. But all I know is that I'm not fighting anymore. I'm just making myself weaker, and I don't know how long it's going to take me to be stronger. I'm just.. done.

My first "One Lovely Blog" award!
Thanks Megan!! http://megansroad.blogspot.com/ That made me smile..so yay!

So I have no idea wtf is going on with my body. I wake up again today to dry blood on the TP, just when I wipe, and it's gone. I don't know if it's the weight I've lost or what..but ugh.. I would love to know what is going on!!

Other than that.. Jeff closed his finger in the truck door yesterday.. went to the ER .. he ended up getting 2 stitches.. so I've been helping him and doing whatever. Poor baby.

Alright... well I gotta go make lunch for him since I said I would lol. I'll be back later!

Thanks again, Megan!
I'll pass it on as soon as I have the time!!!

Hey all. Happy August (already..geez).

Camping trip was awesome..minus the tree falling down lol.. but that's a long story that I don't feel like posting right now. Other than that.. doing good.

Had a little bleeding when I wiped Thursday night like AF was coming.. wore a pad to bed.. and nothing. So I don't know what that was all about.

But I'm not worried. Now it's back to reality.. gotta get laundry done. Just saying hi. I'll write more laters.<3

oxo.

So I'm down 4lbs! Wooohoo! Only 6 more to go by my birthday, and 36lbs more to go until January 14th! I'm so excited.. determination really is working for me. I hope I can keep this up and I don't plateau.. woohoo!

I know with this weight loss, it's my last option to help me get pregnant. So right now, I'm not really even worried about getting pregnant. But I was talking to some of my girls on SC, and it's crazy how much TTC has taken over my life. I was literally addicted to it. Obsessed with it. But now not really paying attention to this, or scheduling that.. it makes me sit back and think.. well this should be my ovulation day. And if we were trying.. it would be this day that we would do this.. it's just horribly ridiculous. We've been trying now for almost 3 years. It'll be around 3 years on my birthday. With no result. And right now, I don't care. I don't care that I'm not pregnant. I don't care that I have to lose weight. Knowing that I don't have to worry about every day, every symptom, every appointment.. it's a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I can enjoy me again. I can enjoy my husband, and life again. Yeah, infertility completely sucks.. but you know what.. it doesn't have to take over your life! I know the big picture here is that I'm losing weight to get pregnant, but it really doesn't even feel like that. I know that's part of my motivation. But my biggest part is knowing that I need to get healthy. That PCOS has taken over my body, and this is going to help me win the battle. I want to be healthier. I don't want to be at a higher risk for anything. And I love how determined I am to do this. I haven't lost my motivation yet. I'm down 4lbs.. in roughly 2 weeks (a little less actually..) and that is great. I know it's only a little bit, but to me.. it's a lot because now I know what I'm doing.. is really working. And I'm going to keep doing it. I know that I want a baby more than anything. I want to be a mommy more than anything. But I also know that I want to be healthy for my child. I want to be able to run around with them and play with them and have the energy. And this is really giving me my life back. I'm not saying I'm going to be like I was when I was 15, but in the end..the really long term end.. I'll be damn close to it. But at that point, I won't care. Because hopefully by that point, I'll have a baby in my arms, or on the way. I'm just going to keep working the way I am... with a few changes here and there to make sure I don't come to a dead end.. and I'm going to kick ass. I want to regulate my periods a little more.. and go shopping when I have nothing else that will fit me. I'm looking forward to that. I have a few goals in my head of what I want to fit into and buy and whatnot. So I will just keep working at it. Because I know in the end, I'll get what I've been fighting for this whole time. Just gotta stay determined.. =)

Can anyone tell me why when I finally stand my ground about the way I feel, it gets shoved right back in my face, and I'm the one apologizing?? I didn't do anything wrong. I walked away from the drama and the bullshit, yet, I'm the bad person in all of this. UGHHH. Whatever. What was said, was said..and needed to be. It's done and over with.. and I've moved on completely. Next. =)

I'm cleaning the house like crazy today. Jeff decided, at the last minute lol, to invite people over on Sunday for his birthday which is fine.. but I can't stand having people in my house when it's a mess. I'm so OCD about that. And today is my only time to do it since tomorrow we have a bbq at a friends house we're invited to. And Monday is Jeff's birthday and that's going to be a day in itself, to say the least.. here's my to-do list.

Get up..get dressed.
Haul ass over to Shoprite.. get cake mix, icing, Cool Whip and strawberries. Oh and red writing stuff.
Get home.. bake the cake .. wash all the cake pans and whatnot so he doesn't realize I baked a cake ..it's a surprise.
Go out, buy his birthday gifts.. head over to my work.. blow up the balloons I got him and buy gift wrap.
Come home.. wrap his gifts.. tie the balloons down.
Get ready for dinner that night.
Finish the cake.
All before 3:30 when he walks through the door. Yeah, it's gonna be a long day. But it's going to feel like it's just flying by to me lol.

Oh well... I'm looking forward to a jam-packed weekend, and evidently.. we may be going camping next weekend. We'll see. Up to Jeff.. and he's gotta give me an answer.

Alrighty..enough blogging..gotta clean! Laters! <3 xoxoxo.

Megan's Baby Fund..

Hey all. Hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to post this to my blog.. not for the extra entries.. but to let other people know of this.. which I think is a great idea...

Megan is holding an auction for a baby fund. If you're able to donate, please do it. I did. Because I understand how difficult it is just to wish for a baby.. but paying for it is a whole different story. Anything.. even just $1 would help her.. we all know it. We've been there. Here's the information...

" Baby Fund Auction
Ok this is my first baby fund auction for my blog to raise money for...you guessed it my treatments in November.

Rules are simple.
For every $1 you donate you'll receive 2 entries into my auction.
For every $3 you donate you'll receive 4 entries into my auction.
For every $5 you donate you'll receive 6 entries into my auction.
and so on and so fourth.

Use the donate button to make a donation.
You'll also get an extra 4 enteries into my auction when you post about my auction on your blog.

Please e-mail me to let me know you did that because I won't know if you don't.
What do I have up for auction you ask? Well, I thought long and hard about this. I came up with my fancy dancy spiral bracelets my mother taught me how to make. I'm going to start selling them on etsy or ebay but I thought I'd consult my bloggy friends first to see how this auction goes. "

Her blog is megansroad.blogspot.com

Check it out if you're not following her, and even if you're not ready to make a donation.. let her know she's not alone in this.. I hope that what I donated helped her a little. And she's been there for me with this hell.

Thanks.=)

Okay, so for the past few weeks, all I've been listening to is "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. Thanks to Megan's blog site.. but I can't stop listening to it. I've heard it before, and never realized it was by Miley. I'm not really a fan, but the words are ridiculously real.

I'm so tired of being lied to, and hurt by people who I've cared for and trusted for so long. I never realized until now how other people can change so quickly. I'm tired of being there for someone when they hardly ever return the favor.

I realized over the past 2 days who my real friends are. Whether they are people I know physically, or people I meet on here..or SC.. they're my real friends. More real than the people I know physically. And in a way, that's sad. But in another way, it's a complete blessing. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for my SC girls.. or the girls who read this. I wouldn't be who I am if I wasn't for the bitches and scumbags who screwed me over..and made me a better person. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for my husband. And my family.

Listening to that song makes me realize that life is full of trials and tribulations..more than I knew. And I'm going through so many things right now... but I never paid attention to myself coming out of those situations just a little bit stronger. I'm now realizing my self. My strength. My will. My optimism and my determination.

I don't need the people in my life who are dragging me down. I don't need the people in my life who are screwing me over, and lying to me like I'm stupid. Or who make me feel like crap just to put themselves in the victim position. I'm done. With it all.

I now know who my real, true friends are. I know me again. And it's a great feeling.

So with me changing in all sorts of ways, more ways than I thought I ever would, I'm ready for the next step. And I can't wait to see the new me.. just finished. With the weight loss, and not worrying about getting pregnant, and being happy for my friends and realizing that I deserve better than what I've been getting, I'm really on the right track.

So losing so-called friends really isn't bumming me out. Because I know my real friends need me. Just as I need them. There's a reason why I know every single person I do, good or bad. And that's okay. Because now it's me. And I'm going to get through it all. Good or bad. And I'm going to come out on the other side alot stronger than I was going in.

So goodbye to the old me. To my so-called friends who were anything but. To the people who just aren't worth it anymore.

It's my time. And no one can change that.

=)

Random spurts of whatever's on my mind..

...yeah it's been a while since I've done this.

-Today was my second day walking, and I feel really good. But I need to stop fighting myself in the morning and just get the hell out of bed.

-I am seriously starting to dislike the car scene. Since when did it turn into teeny bopper night with whores on the side? Seriously. Just because your boyfriend or friend has a nice vehicle all maxed out with shit, doesn't mean you have to dress like you belong on the corners of AC. Seriously.

-I'm tired of thinking my so-called best friend is my best friend. All of the sudden, it's okay that her other best friend who doesn't really think too much of me (not like I care..) can talk shit and that's okay, but as soon as I confront her about it, I know she'll either blow it out of proportion or lie to me like I'm effing stupid.

-I want to know why my 16 year old sister is talking about sex to her 17 year old boyfriend that she's only been going out with for 4 months. But more importantly, why does she find it better to confide in a dr after all we've talked about?

-I need a girl's night. Drinks included. Seriously. It's been too long.

-I want the summer to be over. So I don't have to worry about looking too big in my clothes. I want the car shows to stop. But it won't happen. I want the fall and the cold weather. I miss my hoodies. And my uggs.

-I love our new AC. No doubt about it..it has completely cooled off the entire downstairs with the exception of back here. But this used to be a sun patio, so I didn't expect it to do much. Though it is reasonably cooler in here too.

-Giving up soda and bread has been so far so good. It seems to be getting easier when I think about it. I'm still on pasta. But it was one or the other when it came to pasta or bread. I'm italian. I absolutely need one or the other. But so far, so good. And I'm being seriously good too.

-Thank you to my brother-in-law's girlfriend for moving that birthday cake out of my vision at my niece's birthday party Saturday night. But my husband lovingly sat in front of me and ate it. But that's alright.. he had no where else to sit, and everyone was eating it anyway. I was tempted. Very tempted..but I said no..and got a fruit-n-yogurt parfait from Mickey Ds later on.. yummm. So much better than cake.

-I'm still trying to figure out how to make a strawberry shortcake for Jeff's birthday. It's next week. Yep, more cake. But I won't eat it.

-And to figure out what I'm supposed to get him. Ugh.

-The guy from CVS and I have been playing phone tag. But I'm seriously second guessing this crap. I don't want to be too overwhelmed. And he kept emphasizing that the pharmacy I would be working at is the BUSIEST in South Jersey. WTF man?? As if I haven't been through enough already this month..add more stress. Fabulous.

-I need to call him this week or I lose the position. But why am I second guessing myself to call him?? I know I need to. And I know I need this job, but I don't want to call him. Ugh. I hate this.

-I want to be in EMS. Effing GCEMS..had to take over everyone. Ugh. I need to figure out something.

-This house still needs to be cleaned and I need to cut shit up for dinner night. But I'm sitting here. Doing this. Lovely. lol.

Alright. I'm done.. I need to get stuff done..lol.

So my RE's appointment went okay. Better than I expected. And after we talked about how we basically exhausted all options ..because my insurance is so effing limited.. He told me he thinks 'weight reduction' might be the best answer right now. Which is fine..and when I had already planned. He said if I lost like 20-35lbs in 6 months, then that should help me out alot. They weighed me today..ugh.. 265lbs. Can I shoot myself now? But.. it's alright. Today is a new day.. even the RE said it.. the first day to the rest of my life. My long-term goal is to get to 160lbs. Thats the ideal weight for me... with my build and such. But right now, my goal is to lose 35lbs in 6 months. At least. If I lose more, awesome. So we've decided to put the TTC on hold (like I already did) and to resume after I lose the weight if I need the help of the RE. He said when I'm ready and good, to call them and we'll get started again. He wants me to stay on the Metformin and to call him if I have any irregular periods. So let's just kinda hope that AF visits me next month lol. Other than that, it's pretty much right there for me. He said he won't suggest any bariatric surgeries to me yet because he can see it in my eyes that I can do it. And that I'm determined enough to do it. So hopefully it works out.. and by Christmas, I'm at least 30lbs lighter.... we hope. Just have to find a way that works.. and stick with it.

the new me!! haha.. I loveeeeee it!

and a new attitude too. I'm so over being depressed and upset about all this PCOS ttc crap. So I'm taking a new stand for myself..and just enjoying my life. I got plenty of weight to lose..and it's going to take time..so I'm not stressing over it anymore. If it's meant to be, it'll happen...

=)

New week. New fresh start. It's time for change, once again..starting with....

yep... a new hairstyle. My hair is now long enough to do something else to it..and right now, it's too blah. That and Jeff pointed out to me the other day that my roots definitely need to be done lol.

So I'm waiting to see when my girlfriend has an opening, then I'll be headed over to the salon so she can work her magic. She said most likely Wednesday, so we'll see! I'm excited!

Another thing.. Jeff and I have decided to try to conceive naturally, on our own. No more meds, or doctors or injections. I can't really afford any of those, and I doubt the RE would be excited to hear that we're taking a few steps backwards.

So with that being said, it looks like I have to go on one hell of a strict diet. I need to lose well over 100lbs to get where I was when I first met Jeff. Even 100lbs right now would do me good. I figure if I can lose a good amount of weight, that maybe it could regulate me a little and get my body working again. We're not going to be full on TTC for a while, and I'm not going to be all obsessive about BDing at the right time and whatever. The least of my concerns right now. Though the hell of all this is.. I have a nursery upstairs that's unfinished..and has no baby. And I have to pass it every night before bed. And every morning when I wake up. However, that could be a good thing..as a motivation tool. But I'm not going to stress over getting pregnant. I know we have plenty of factors, but at this point, I'm not on board with heartbreak and mental breakdowns and whatever else that came with it for the past 3 years. If it happens, it happens. Yeah, can you believe that's coming from me? But I don't have any other choices. I need to lose the weight. I need to get a job. I need to get money rolling back into the house again. We need change, and this is where I have to start. If a BFP hits me in the ass on the way, then I'll welcome it with open arms, but I'm not expecting it.

So here's to a new start... and hopefully one I'll stick with. Besides, I used to be pretty. Before PCOS kicked my ass..and my weight.

AF is here. Son of a bitch. One ugly bitch. UGH.

So we're officially done. Jeff says he wants to try naturally, but I don't know if that'll work.

So we're onto whatever the next step is..and I'm guessing for me.. it's weightloss.

Anyone have a free membership to a gym?? Ughhh.

I tested. It was negative. Surprise surprise.

So we're done. Monday's test will most likely confirm what I know. And then we're done.

And I look for support from my husband.. and his reply was "for what..because you knew there was a chance it would be negative?"

Yeah..wasn't looking for an asshole answer. But thanks for hurting me more than that negative sign I saw this morning.

I'm done. With it all. Good luck to the rest of you.

To test. Or not to test.

That's tomorrow...who knows. The RE tells me not to.

But I broke down and bought HPTs. Haha... I'm nervous..but we'll see.

My boobs STILL hurt.. and I'm cramping here and there. And now I have this pulling feeling going on... so who knows. And evidently, AF is due here..tomorrow. So I don't know. I'm in the air about it all once again, though I'm pretty sure I've been influenced to POAS by my SC girls. (I love you girls..more than you know.<3) But we'll see. I want to know before the weekend. I want to know if I can tell Jeff that he's going to be a Daddy and then watch fireworks. We'll see.

Fingers crossed. Screw that, more like everything crossed.=)

Maybe??

I hope so.

I'm exhausted. My boobs hurt. I'm peeing more than usual. And right now, after eating dinner.. I have that full-nauseated feeling. Just like I got last night..and the night before. Oh, and I'm cramping here and there. But haven't today.

I hope I get that positive sign. But I was told that I shouldn't do an HPT per my RE. He suggested I don't so I don't get my hopes up and if it's a negative, be bummed out. But who knows. I don't think I'll test. But I'm not sure yet.

4th of July is this weekend. I want to be able to tell my husband that he's going to be a daddy. But then again, I want to enjoy my weekend with him without being completely upset.

The RE is making me wait until the 6th.. next Monday... to come in for a pregnancy test. So my 2ww was extended just a bit.. since they are closed Friday for the holiday. AF is evidently due on Friday, so if I don't see her at all (and I'm hoping I don't!!!) by Monday, I have to call the dr's office Monday morning immediately and go in for a pregnancy test. They do in-house testing so I need to be there early. So my only solution to that little situation is to call them on my way there. So we'll see about that.

I'm nervous. And I'm questioning everything, though I shouldn't be. All my 'symptoms' are both pre-pregnancy and pre-AF symptoms so it's really up in the air for me.

I guess we'll find out soon enough. I'm now 9dpiui. So we'll see.

And guess what...my bed is calling me again. It has seriously become my very best friend.=)

Nights, blogging world. Until next time.

oxoxo.

Gone for the weekend!

Just wanted to say bye! In hopes that I make 2-3 days of this 2ww hell go by quick!

Going camping with the family..and it's Jeff's first time..so we'll see!!

Had a RE appt this morning for a p4 test..and an u/s...they checked my ovaries.. and the RE said they looked really good..and he's loving that my lining is soooo good! I was like yay on that!

He also suggested I don't test with a HPT... he said he'd rather me come in for the beta. Guess it saves me a little bit of a headgame if it's negative..because it really might not be. Who knows.

But ...see you all later! Have a good weekend!!! <3

oxoxoxo.

This 2ww needs to be over. Like, now.

My boobs are still sore and it's ridiculous. Why, may you ask? Because I know it's from the combination of my progesterone and the trigger shot. So it's like..UGH.

I'm crampy like hell... not like hurting..but it's there..and it's not going away. It's so dull and weird...feels like pulling or whatever.

Oh..and could I be anymore tired?? Seriously. I feel like I can sleep the next 8..err.. 9 days away with no problems. It's horrible.

In the beginning, I was fine. Now I see why girls go NUTS during the 2ww! I'm going crazy over here. Not that I want to test... just to know what the hell is going on with my body!!!

I'm still up in the air about testing at 14dpiui. I don't know. People are now asking me if I'm going to test 10dpt. So I don't know.

UGH. 4th of July...you need to get here..NOW!!