New Year... Same Impossible Dream..

Happy 2011 everyone.

I'm still stuck. In the same exact spot. No better. But.. worse.

The insurance company finally responded to the papers, but had a different reaction from what we were expecting. They moved to dismiss the case. Joy. They claim they're not the correct defendants.. that NJ Transit is. Great. How many of you have ever sued the state before? Yeah, it's going to be fun. I got this phone call 2 days after New Years. Way to start 2011. The lawyer is changing everything over and making it so the papers get served to the insurance coordinator at NJ Transit. Fine. Whatever.

You think that would make it better, right? NO.

I started to do a little research after we were told over and over again that the mandate doesn't have to cover self insured companies. Guess what? Yep. NJ Transit is a "self-insured" company. Joy. So I did a little research. Turns out. They're excluded from the mandate thanks to the Employment and Retirement Act of 1974. Eff you. Could 2011 get any worse? Yep. I'm stuck at CVS making $8 an hour busting my ass and now.. I have 2 stores to get thrown between. Yay.

Oh. And I failed a background check on a job. And of course, don't know why.

Upside - We got a new puppy. Downside - She's completely not house trained. Yay. But I love her. And it's keeping me occupied.. to the point where I say that a baby would be easier. Ugh.

I can't get out of this slum.

*sighs*

Rock + Hard Place = ?....

Right in the middle? Yep. That would be me.

And I cannot tell you how mother freaking tired I am of being there. Especially during the holidays. Funny thing is, I realized this last week.

Warning : You may not like this post. Especially if you're looking to smile. You won't. Read on if you wish..

I have realized that I am completely 100% alone. True story. Think about it : half of my friends have kids and/or are pregnant. The other half? Partying like hell and not worrying about it.

Me?

I'm in the middle. 24 years old - young enough to still party with the best of them, but no desire to; old enough to be a mommy, and obviously, I'm not even close.

So tell me... how am I supposed to relate? How am I supposed to be happy? I seriously cannot take this anymore. And I'm starting to hate my most favorite time of the year. That's how bad it's getting to me. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. UGH.

I'm so over this. I'm over feeling this way. I'm over people patronizing me. I'm over having no relationship with my husband because I'm either frustrated beyond belief, or pretty damn depressed. I'm over it all.

Someone needs to take that rock... and hit me hard.. or just let me crawl under it. I'm serious.

RIP SC. I'll miss you.

SoulCysters was pretty much a lifesaver for me. That site, and the women I met off of it taught me so much about something I didn't even know existed. It was so nice to find people who could relate to the heart-wrenching pain of infertility. It was nice to know I was never alone, and that I always had somewhere to turn. It was nice to know I could ask any question, and it wouldn't be TMI. I loved giving advice, and receiving it. I loved how I would go into my dr's office and ask questions I'm sure they don't get that often, because I knew more than they thought I did about everything.

SoulCysters was a big part of my life. :( It gave me the comfort I needed when I couldn't get it anywhere around me. It gave me hope when I knew all was lost. It gave me determination to get back up and fight whenever this hell knocked me down (which was A LOT, I might add..).

Now moving on to the frustration of the person who was supposed to be in charge of the site... I really find it messed up, of all of the sites you ran, this one crashed like it did, and in more ways than one. A lot of women (and men!!) relied on this site to get answers, to find similarity and love. I know every single woman on there made at least one friend. We loved SC. So much. And to know it didn't get the care it needed, and with no warning, or notification, is REALLY messed up, and otherwise unprofessional. I know you had a lot of your plate, but you could've asked someone else to take it over. You didn't have to put that much on your plate. And what really gets me, is the fact that I can't tell you how many people that I know of who attempted to contact you several times, without a response. I mean, you could've replied to a few and explained briefly what happened, instead of leaving thousands of us in the cold wondering wtf happened. But enjoy yourself knowing that your FitCysters site is happily running with you even on it as much as you are. Thanks for that. Really appreciate it.

In conclusion, I just want to say that I have met some incredible women on that site, and I hope that the site crashing doesn't mean I won't hear from you all. I know some of you are on my facebook, which is great. Good luck with everything to you all. May your dreams come true, and may you find it deep down to keep fighting. I love all of my cysters...website or not.

oxoxo.

November 19th, please be good to me...

That's the magical date...

Here I thought the insurance company was served October 19th, because I received the copy of what was being served. However, while the papers were the copy, it was just what the lawyer wanted me to have to show me exactly what was being served.

I called last week, and the lawyer told me he was going to call the sheriff's office to check for a status update... he called me back 2 days later letting me know that the papers were served November 19th (yay!).

But I was confused.. my voicemail and answering machine messages were different, so I just called him. He said we can't do anything until a week after Christmas, since it takes 35 days (like I said before.. I was right on that at least..) for them to contest. So we'll see. He said we want them to respond, so we know someone over there is responding, and we'll probably go for a court mediation hearing. If they don't respond, we have to file something else with the court, with the risk of them vacating the serve and us going back to basically square one. So we'll see. 35 days from November 19th...is December 23rd. So they basically have until next week more or less.

Fingers still crossed. I'm hoping to have a shot to becoming a mommy after the new year.. *sighs*

A Letter to My Sister.

When I was little, I never thought of having a sister. I was 5. Who thinks that? But when Mommy told me that I was going to be a big sister, I didn't know then that my life would change drastically. I was the only child. I was Daddy's little girl, and all eyes were on me. For 6 years, Mom and Dad were mine. Then you were born. I remember when Mom went into labor with you. She woke me up first, telling me to wake Daddy up. From there, it was just a fast moving situation. Next thing I knew, I was watching the Disney Channel in Aunt Doreen's living room at the Somers Point house. Then Poppy and Grandmom picked me up, and I remember fighting with Poppy saying I wanted to go to school, because I was afraid of getting in trouble. They kept telling me "no, your little sister was born today. It's a very special day. You can miss school." They took me to breakfast on Bay Ave, and waited to hear an update from Dad about you and Mom. I slept over Poppy and Grandmom's for two days. The second day, Daddy picked me up and brought me to the hospital to see Mom. I walked in and Mom was holding you. Daddy placed me in the chair across from Mom's bed and he put you in my arms. You looked at me, and I did nothing but smile. I was a big sister. That was the day I knew my life wouldn't just be Heather. It was Heather .. big sister. After Mom and Dad brought you home, I remember always wanting to help out to take care of you. I was so proud that I had a baby sister. We were close. I was always making you laugh. You were my baby. That's what I always thought. As you started crawling, and walking... you became more fun. You moved around. We could play more. We were able to do more things. It was great. We were inseperable.

As we got older, I started to not want to hang out with you. I was becoming a teenager, and it wasn't cool to hang out with your younger siblings. So we did what all other siblings do.. fought beyond belief. For so long, it seemed. We grew apart. I had my group of friends, and I was doing a lot more. And we couldn't stay in the same room for more than 5 minutes without fighting. Then David came along, and things changed even more. Forward a few more years down the road, and I moved out. We became close again. You were a teenager, and I was the experienced ex-teenager turned adult. You were starting to come to me for advice. We talk everyday. And it wasn't until then I realized, we were always best friends. That no matter what, we always found eachother. Even if we had a huge fight, we'd always find each other for love and support. You are my very best friend. My longest best friend. And now.. 18 years later, I can't believe it. My baby sister will officially be an adult. From that chubby cheeked little girl who had one of the cutest laughs. The one who didn't care if I put a huge pair of sunglasses on her. To this amazing young woman. With such confidence and pride. And a strength beyond anyone's imagination. I'm in absolute awe. To witness 18 years of your life, and to be such a great part of it is such an honor. You have made me so proud in your accomplishments, and sometimes following my steps. I am definitely, absolutely the luckiest big sister in the world. I take that title very seriously. And nothing makes me happier than to say, "Yep.. that's my sister." You are unbelievably awesome, Lauren. And always, we are sisters by blood, but definitely, definitely best friends by fate. I never thought after all of those fights that we would come out walking hand in hand. But I am very happy that it became the end result. And we will walk hand in hand for the rest of our lives, no matter what. I will always catch you when you fall, and I will always dry your tears. I'm the ear that will listen to whatever it is you have to say, and your shoulder to lean on when you need to let go for a minute. I'm your number one fan cheering you on the loudest through your goals and accomplishments. I'm your wall when you need protection. And I'm your heart when you need more love. You're the best little sister anyone could have ever asked for, and I am extremely blessed to know that you're mine. You're all mine. No one will have you as a little sister. And I wouldn't ever want to share that with anyone else. I love you so much, Sissy. Happy 18th Birthday. I hope it's amazing. Just like you.

Love you Always and Always,
Sissy.

You just got SERVED!

Yes.. you read correctly! Finally, after weeks of waiting for an update, the on again, off again hate for my mailman became a feeling of gratefulness, as he put something in my mailbox, I thought I wouldn't be seeing for a while : a letter from my lawyer. I, of course, was naturally going through the mail.. this bill, that statement, and 2 magazines later, and there it was.. hiding.. I got inside, threw the rest of the crap..err..mail on the couch and tore into that envelope like it was full of a million dollars. And my lovely brown eyes read it.. my hands touched it; my copy of the papers from the Superior Court.. the papers they served my insurance company! I felt weak at the knees. Tears came to the surface and streamed down my face for a few minutes.. and the huge sigh of relief came over me. This is reality. This isn't a dream. This is... amazing.

And this came after a few days of constantly calling the lawyer (which I feel horrible for.. my freaking impatience.. it's my weakness!) and not getting an answer, or a call back after I left (countless) messages. I went from being like "okay, he's on vacation.." to .. "okay, now he's freaking ignoring me..wtf.." to "omg.. seriously.. I hope he's okay since he never goes this long without responding back to me.." all in a course of like 3 days. But I got the letter, so I'm guessing he's okay. And I called him today, of course (would you expect anything less from me?? I mean, really..) and he didn't answer.. again. So I left a message apologizing about 20 times for calling him so much, and asked the question I had on my mind..and thanked him about 15 times for mailing me a copy of the letter. I hope to hear something from him soon.

The insurance company has 35 days to respond, and I think that was from October 19th. So I give it to the end of November at the latest for them. I'm not really expecting it to happen, but I'm hoping I'll be headed up to the Poconos this Christmas with my injections in tow! :)

Amazing how a simple letter could bring so many emotions and tears to my eyes. :)

Just think .. reacting to a letter this way.. how will I react when I eventually find out that I'm pregnant?! HAH.

oxoxoxo.

Happy Autumn..and October..and finally fall-ish weather! =)

I finally wake up..and it's not raining, or muggy. It's finally a gorgeous, sunny, cool day. One that screams autumn. Yay. :) And I'm actually off. So double yay for that.

As for the TTC stuff - my impatience got the best of me last week, and I ended up breaking down and calling the lawyer. Of course, there was a push from my big sister. :) I was completely expecting for him to pick up the phone and for him to tell me that we're still waiting to hear responses. But he took me by surprise when he said that he was actually getting ready to send out the summons. The court got the petition and responded. The lawyer said he would mail out the summons by the end of the day, and that was last Tuesday. So we just have to wait for the sheriff to serve the papers to the insurance company, and we'll be on our way. I was so happy to hear we made it one step closer, that when I hung up the phone, I started crying.

It's just so.. surreal that we've gotten this far. Everything in this aspect of my life has taken a total turn for the worse, and nothing has ever lasted this much to be so good. I'm still waiting for something to screw up. And it's sad that that's my mindset, but I can't help it. I mean, year after year, cycle after cycle, you start to expect the worse. I still have my head up, and I'm still optimistic, but I'm staying completely grounded. I hope I can call him at the end of the month, or even get a phone from him first with another update. We shall see.

Alright.. back to making dinner. :) Til next time...or when I get the chance to add to this!

(3 hours later...)

Haha.. and I'm back to finish my post. Let's see.. where to continue..

Job front - I'd hate to say it, but it's definitely getting old. Horrible, right? I've been there for 2 months, and I pretty much dread the days I have to work. I think it's because of all of the unnecessary high school bs and drama. From even the pharmacist (well, one of them) herself! It's .. "oh I know she was talking about me" and "no one ever gave me anything.." or "no one ever said that to me" or my favorite "I have like 6 things going on at once and I don't need this". First off, let me just say this.. if you hate the job that much, quit. Seriously. If you can't handle doing 6 different things all at once, then you shouldn't be RX manager. Just saying. And I also think, if the person who just started there, and is training, has a question, you shouldn't huff and puff or make her feel 2 inches big! You seriously need to think before you speak. And I don't think she likes how I favor the other pharmacist.. who helps me.. is in a good mood regardless.. and will answer questions with no problem. And the RX manager CONSTANTLY talks shit on her. I'm over it. A pharmacy full of nothing but girls. Not even women. Pathetic. Thankfully, tomorrow, I'll be with the one I like. Hah.

Anyways... it looks like Jeff and I may be making our way to Florida next year; to finally go to Disney World. It'll be my first time ever. Jeff has been there before..when he was a baby, and I don't think that counts if you can't remember.. so we'll say it's his first time too lol. I know we've said we would go years prior, and have even tried saving up to go, but failed to do so every time. But my "big sister" is going with her family next year, and they were talking to us about it..and we would only have to put like $200 down for a deposit, which is awesome. So we're hoping to do it. Jeff is looking at vacation weeks for when he can take off, and is actually scheduled to pick his weeks on Friday. Fingers are crossed that he gets the weeks that we were looking at. We shall see. Now, with all of this lawyer stuff going on, and hopefully ending by the end of the year, I'm hoping to immediately start cycles and treatment again. Which means, there is a possibility that I could be pregnant going to Florida. And secretly (well not so much since I'm posting it on here lol), I would love to be pregnant and walking around Disney. That would be amazing. Either way, I'm excited because I've never been.. and next year will be 5 years that Jeff and I will be married, and we're renewing our vows in May. So going next year will be the honeymoon we never got originally. I'm hoping it works out. We'll see. :)

Alright.. enough of my babbling. Yep, I'm done. Until the next post, of course. :) Have a good night, kids.